I’ve been so beat up from work, both physically and mentally. I’m physically exhausted from being overworked. My eyes are so tired from staring at the screen for long periods of time. I feel like my thoughts are so scattered that when I’m trying to even talk to someone I have total brain fart. I’m very restless. Besides that, I continue to go into work to get treated like shit by my “manager”. The type of shit gets to you no matter how hard you try to fight it off. I come into the office and the POS tells me to go find another job, constantly gives me a hard time and does other stupid shit to give me hell. Recently I found out from a colleague on my team that this POS told him to give me a hard time and to be mean to me. What fucking manager does that? I’m scared to go to HR again since I know she’ll give me an even harder time than she is already after I went to HR the first time around. I’ve never met anyone so hateful and disgusting in my life. I don’t know what I’ve done to her that’s so horrible that I have to be treated this way.
I’m just a huge mess right now and I’m trying my hardest to leave this job right now. I feel so trapped and it really sucks. I drove home Thursday evening from work and just felt extremely defeated by everything. The shit that comes out of the POS’ mouth is just so insensitive and arrogant. It’s quite clear she wants me out, but damn did you really just ask me how’s my job search going, any leads?! Such a fucking bitch. I really wanted to throw a chair at this crazy bitch. I just looked at her like “wtf?” and told her to mind her business. How do you not want to throw your laptop at the bitch for the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth? My current project at work is essentially designing myself out of a job. I put very little effort into it because I don’t give a fuck. It’s basically putting all of my skills and knowledge into this document for her to reference to since she finds a lack of the need for my role. I’m just taking my sweet ass time with it and making mistakes on purpose to piss her off.
Besides the bullshit, I have taken the initiative to update my portfolio and resume. The past couple of weeks I was definitely overworking myself. Day time I’d be working on work related projects and night time I’d be working on my portfolio and resume. I was running on 2-4 hours of sleep during that period. So how do you not lose your mind while you’re getting shitted on by your boss as well as being very sleep deprived. Luckily I’ve finished everything before my recent trip to Phoenix. Getting away had helped a lot and I got to relax just a little bit. When I had returned from my trip, I had some final touches to make to my portfolio and have been aggressively applying to jobs. I’ve had 3 interviews so far in less than a week, so I guess that’s something to be happy and proud of. Two out of the 3 interviews, I’ve had second interviews with. I just hope I can get through the next couple of rounds so I can seriously get the fuck out of my company.
Alongside with updates my portfolio and resume, I’ve been documenting everything and anything that I can. I’ve backed up my work files from my work and personal computer. I had planned on getting a new laptop since my personal one is relatively new, it’s super slow. I was ready to trade my personal laptop in for cash to pay towards a new laptop. Luckily I was able to find someone that does in person trades rather than those websites. I met up with the guy yesterday, who is a Standford alumni that does this whole thing part time. Really friendly and nice guy. I got a really good deal from him for my laptop. I’ll go into more details about my meeting with him in another post. After I got my large wad of cash from him, I immediately went to the Apple store. Got my laptop, went home, installed everything I needed and continued taking the files I need from work. I see all of this being a period where I’m rebuilding myself professionally as a designer. I’m very happy with the output my portfolio, granted I still need to do some more work but it’s good enough to get me to applying to jobs.
During my drive home I felt so upset and defeated, yet I felt so angry at the company as well as myself for getting treated like this. If this is how I’ll be treated during my remaining time at the company, then seriously fuck you and I’m taking everything with me. I feel very betrayed by the company. My ultimate goal is to get a job ASAP, take all the necessary files, and leave this crazy cunt a note on her desk with my laptop and badge saying “today’s my last day”. That’s how much of a big fuck you I want to give her and this company. I’ve contributed so much and this is how I’m getting treated? It’s bullshit. I don’t give a fuck if doing that makes me look bad. I deserve more recognition for my hard work and I actually want to do my work that I’m getting paid to do instead of fighting with an idiot everyday. It’s annoying and exhausting. I kinda don’t care if I get another job or not. For my own health and sanity sake, I have plans to leave in the next couple of weeks. For now it’s just getting so hard to bite my tongue any longer without really losing my shit on this fucking asshole. Seriously, have never met anyone this insecure that lacks so much self-awareness of their behavior and actions. It’s just plain and embarrassing and I’m ready to go.