Shake It Off

I’ve been struggling to sleep tonight and I have to be up on a couple of hours to drive my friend to the airport. As I’ve been laying here in bed for the past couple of hours, I can’t stop thinking about PC.

For whatever reason I thought about the time he texted me out of the blue. It was October 2014. I was at work and just hopped into a conference room about to start off my day with a morning meeting. I was sitting there by myself waiting for my boss and the rest of my team to join the meeting. I noticed my phone lit up and it was a text message from PC. He asked if I would be free sometime in November. I just stared at my phone and felt so surprised and confused. I didn’t know what to say besides staring aimlessly at the blinking text indicator mark for me to type a response back. I felt happy to hear from him yet more sad than anything. At that time we haven’t spoken in awhile so that text message caught me off guard.

Even though my meeting had started, I quickly replied with asking why. He simply said that he wanted to see me. My heart sank and at that moment I wished I wasn’t stuck in this meeting or even at work. I just wanted to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to see him but reality is we haven’t spoken in awhile and when we last did, it wasn’t on the best of terms. I responded back with telling him how I’d love to see him but we haven’t resolved anything and it wouldn’t be a good idea. There were a couple text messages after that, but I remember ending the conversation with telling him to forget about me. During that moment I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Even having to type that up again in this post hurts me still. Of course I didn’t want him to forget about me, but I felt like it was the best and simple solution to everything between us. I couldn’t see any resolution for us.

But yeah, that moment is still so clear in my mind even though it was so long ago. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my mind nor do I even know how or why that thought came to me tonight. I wish it was easy to shake these type of things off. Honestly I think my trip to Seattle rekindled so many memories for me that I thought I threw away somewhere but nope.

I really want to forget about it all even though I don’t want to. It’s doing me no good and c’mon I don’t even keep in touch with him at all. I just feel so pathetic to have these feelings and thoughts still. I guess I didn’t realize how truly heartbroken I was. When will it go away?


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