The Hapa from the Past

Almost 3 years ago when I had first moved to Cali, I had met AJ. We met a few months after I had moved to Cali. I thought AJ was really cute and we had pretty good chemistry. AJ is Korean and White…so cute! lol. It’s rare for me to say that about a guy. But he’s really good looking, played college football and almost made it into the NFL but got injured, and also he passed his board exam when we met so he was a lawyer. Seriously, I felt like I hit jackpot when I met him lol. Great looking guy, smart, funny, etc. With my luck with men, things didn’t work out. I actually liked him and haven’t felt so “smitten” by someone in awhile during that time so it was all very refreshing.

Things didn’t end on bad terms between us, which was whatever to me. I remember months had gone by and he had texted me randomly for a quick consultation for some design work but it never went anywhere. Then he randomly added me on Yelp and later on LinkedIn, which I’m like “hmmm??”. With those connections, he never said anything to me nor did I say anything to him. I remember AJ and I met up at this coffee shop that I like in SJ when we were first talking. There was a lot of flirting and I even got shy at one point lol. I get kinda weird around guys I like haha. So this past Mother’s Day, AJ texted me out of the blue. I didn’t have his number anymore since 2 years has gone by, but I was pretty surprised that he still had mines. He texted saying “Happy Mother’s Day! I’m over by that one coffees shop in SJ and wanted to say what’s up”. I spent a good chunk of time trying to figure out who it was until I realized it was him haha. Not many messages were exchanged during that time he texted me…until 2 weeks later. I was working from home and noticed he was texting me and I just thought, “what do you want…?” lol. I’ve been quite irritable and stressed out with work so I just had no time to entertain any kinda non sense. We briefly texted each other and he had asked if I’m still in the Bay Area and what I’ve been up to. The last thing he said to me was “Well shoot, I wanted to say what’s up and glad I caught you back 2 weeks later :)”

After not responding to his last message, I was just doing my thing over the weekend. I was up kinda late on Saturday night watching whatever on Hulu and then ‘BOOM!’. Tell me why the fuck AJ is calling me around 1AM………. lol. When I noticed the phone ringing, I thought maybe he pocket dialed me…but then it kept ringing and I thought “you better not be fucking drunk dialing me” lol. Either way I didn’t pick up the phone. No voicemail or text message followed up with that call, which I was relieved. I know he has a girlfriend, but I don’t think he’s aware that I know. Regardless how cute he is, I’m not gonna fuck around with that especially if he still has a girlfriend. SMH…

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Small World

As I get older, I see how small our world truly is. I had gone to Phoenix for the first time earlier this month. My friend BN, who was my 2nd grade best friend now lives in Phoenix now…along with his cousin MT. I’ve known MT since I was 14 so we have A LOT of history. We started out as friends and we kinda sorta always liked each other but never acted on it until some time during college for me. We did the whole long distance thing and granted he came to visit me a lot since a lot of his family were still in Boston. Unfortunately things didn’t work out. We were in different phases of our lives when we had dated. I was in college and partying a lot, whereas he was helping his family run a business, plus he’s a few years older than me. I was bummed out that things didn’t work out, but we’ve been able to remain as friends. I haven’t seen him ever since we dated, but he would send me an occasional text message to see how I’m doing.

Ever since I moved to Cali, he had gotten in touch with me here and there. Although I felt as if there were moments he was trying to rekindle a flame that can barely be lit now. For example, if we were just casually chatting on the phone he’ll be like “how was your day babe?” I’m sitting there like “uhhh… wtf?” lol. He’ll sprinkle in the word ‘babe’ when he can and oddly I just cringe when he does lol. He’s been shafted to the friend zone since things didn’t work out. I do tell him to not call me ‘babe’ since we’re just friends. I can’t see myself with him nor do I really think he’s my type anymore. Nice guy, don’t get me wrong. Just not for me. I had always cringed in going to Phoenix because I always felt slightly obligated to visit him if I was to go. I wouldn’t mind seeing him, but I’m not ready. Not thinking I’d catch feelings, but I have this feeling he’ll go strolling down memory lane with me and I don’t want that.

Fast forward to when I had gone to Phoenix earlier this month. My close friend KH from Boston and I were driving back from Sedona. It was getting a little late and we were starving after driving and exploring Sedona. So we just picked whatever restaurant was in or around Phoenix. We decided to eat in Scottsdale just to check it out. When we arrived to the restaurant, KH went to the bathroom and I asked the waiter to bring out a dessert since it was KH’s birthday. I had texted BN about suggestions for Phoenix and then we made really last minute plans for brunch the next day. KH was asking how I know him and I got into the whole story about him as well as MT. Here comes the “fun” part…

TELL ME WHY MT WALKS INTO THE RESTAURANT AFTER I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED MY STORY?!?!?!?!!??! lol. When I tell people that stupid, weird shit happens to me, that is a prime example haha. We were sitting at a table top right by the entrance and where I sat, I was facing whoever was walking right into the restaurant. The table next to us sat a couple of guys. I was taking a sip of my drink and when I looked up, I saw MT walk right into the restaurant. I immediately tried to cover my face and turned the other way lol. KH was asking me what’s wrong? I was like “WTF…………” I had told her that MT was right behind her and she freaked out lol. She asked if I was sure and I was extremely positive. How did I know? Well … 1) Asian guy 2) no one else looks like him 3) he was wearing a Boston Red Sox cap 4) his car was parked right in front.

After he walked in, the waiter then comes to my table with the dessert singing happy birthday really loud LOL. I’m thinking, “REALLY?!?!!?!” lol. I sang along but kept facing the other way in case MT turned around. Talk about awkward. We took a few bites of the dessert and I paid for the bill ASAP. When we got up to leave, I immediately just walked straight and didn’t make any eye contact. I just walked fast out to the car lol. KH couldn’t believe that all of that just happened. What are the odds of running into an ex …out of state (even though he lives there) yet alone at the most random restaurant that I picked???? lol.

I never mentioned to MT that I saw him nor did I mention it to BN. But BN told MT that I was in town after seeing a picture of us from brunch. MT texted me briefly when I was still in town and I just apologized that I didn’t reach out since my trip was very short.

I still think that whole run in was a very bizarre coincidence.

Mean

It’s bad enough when people you know are mean to you, but it’s worst when a stranger does it. The last thing I needed was a stranger to be mean to me. I’m pretty broken right now. In that moment in my car while driving home, I felt so torn apart. I needed to vent. I felt so guilty yet it wasn’t my fault and the weird thing is, I knew it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know what’s happening to me and why I feel like this. I definitely don’t know why people here are so mean to me. I sound like a kid at the playground stomping and pouting about someone being mean to me, but honestly tell me why people here are just plain cruel and awful? I’m damaged and I just need a break.

Tonight, I am thankful for the kindness of my close friends from back home to be there when I need them even if we don’t talk everyday. I was able to get a hold of my close guy friend JM tonight to chat. We haven’t chatted since earlier this year, but I’m thankful that our conversations pick up right where they’ve left off at. Although our conversations are generally pretty happy and hilarious, I just broke down. The more I was sharing with him with what’s going on, I tried to resist from crying but too late. Next thing you know I’m balling my eyes out in my car while talking to him. I hate for him or any of my friends to hear me like that. I hated it even more that since we haven’t chatted the guy had to hear me crying.

Things has gotten even more difficult for me, that it’s getting harder to fake it and hide it. Tonight was just the cherry on top with that person being mean to me. I realized even more that I need a lot of time for emotional healing. I’m beyond vulnerable right now and I just need to be surrounded by good people.

Escape Plan

I’ve been so beat up from work, both physically and mentally. I’m physically exhausted from being overworked. My eyes are so tired from staring at the screen for long periods of time. I feel like my thoughts are so scattered that when I’m trying to even talk to someone I have total brain fart. I’m very restless. Besides that, I continue to go into work to get treated like shit by my “manager”. The type of shit gets to you no matter how hard you try to fight it off. I come into the office and the POS tells me to go find another job, constantly gives me a hard time and does other stupid shit to give me hell. Recently I found out from a colleague on my team that this POS told him to give me a hard time and to be mean to me. What fucking manager does that? I’m scared to go to HR again since I know she’ll give me an even harder time than she is already after I went to HR the first time around. I’ve never met anyone so hateful and disgusting in my life. I don’t know what I’ve done to her that’s so horrible that I have to be treated this way.

I’m just a huge mess right now and I’m trying my hardest to leave this job right now. I feel so trapped and it really sucks. I drove home Thursday evening from work and just felt extremely defeated by everything. The shit that comes out of the POS’ mouth is just so insensitive and arrogant. It’s quite clear she wants me out, but damn did you really just ask me how’s my job search going, any leads?! Such a fucking bitch. I really wanted to throw a chair at this crazy bitch. I just looked at her like “wtf?” and told her to mind her business. How do you not want to throw your laptop at the bitch for the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth? My current project at work is essentially designing myself out of a job. I put very little effort into it because I don’t give a fuck. It’s basically putting all of my skills and knowledge into this document for her to reference to since she finds a lack of the need for my role. I’m just taking my sweet ass time with it and making mistakes on purpose to piss her off.

Besides the bullshit, I have taken the initiative to update my portfolio and resume. The past couple of weeks I was definitely overworking myself. Day time I’d be working on work related projects and night time I’d be working on my portfolio and resume. I was running on 2-4 hours of sleep during that period. So how do you not lose your mind while you’re getting shitted on by your boss as well as being very sleep deprived. Luckily I’ve finished everything before my recent trip to Phoenix. Getting away had helped a lot and I got to relax just a little bit. When I had returned from my trip, I had some final touches to make to my portfolio and have been aggressively applying to jobs. I’ve had 3 interviews so far in less than a week, so I guess that’s something to be happy and proud of. Two out of the 3 interviews, I’ve had second interviews with. I just hope I can get through the next couple of rounds so I can seriously get the fuck out of my company.

Alongside with updates my portfolio and resume, I’ve been documenting everything and anything that I can. I’ve backed up my work files from my work and personal computer. I had planned on getting a new laptop since my personal one is relatively new, it’s super slow. I was ready to trade my personal laptop in for cash to pay towards a new laptop. Luckily I was able to find someone that does in person trades rather than those websites. I met up with the guy yesterday, who is a Standford alumni that does this whole thing part time. Really friendly and nice guy. I got a really good deal from him for my laptop. I’ll go into more details about my meeting with him in another post. After I got my large wad of cash from him, I immediately went to the Apple store. Got my laptop, went home, installed everything I needed and continued taking the files I need from work. I see all of this being a period where I’m rebuilding myself professionally as a designer. I’m very happy with the output my portfolio, granted I still need to do some more work but it’s good enough to get me to applying to jobs.

During my drive home I felt so upset and defeated, yet I felt so angry at the company as well as myself for getting treated like this. If this is how I’ll be treated during my remaining time at the company, then seriously fuck you and I’m taking everything with me. I feel very betrayed by the company. My ultimate goal is to get a job ASAP, take all the necessary files, and leave this crazy cunt a note on her desk with my laptop and badge saying “today’s my last day”. That’s how much of a big fuck you I want to give her and this company. I’ve contributed so much and this is how I’m getting treated? It’s bullshit. I don’t give a fuck if doing that makes me look bad. I deserve more recognition for my hard work and I actually want to do my work that I’m getting paid to do instead of fighting with an idiot everyday. It’s annoying and exhausting. I kinda don’t care if I get another job or not. For my own health and sanity sake, I have plans to leave in the next couple of weeks. For now it’s just getting so hard to bite my tongue any longer without really losing my shit on this fucking asshole. Seriously, have never met anyone this insecure that lacks so much self-awareness of their behavior and actions. It’s just plain and embarrassing and I’m ready to go.

Shake It Off

I’ve been struggling to sleep tonight and I have to be up on a couple of hours to drive my friend to the airport. As I’ve been laying here in bed for the past couple of hours, I can’t stop thinking about PC.

For whatever reason I thought about the time he texted me out of the blue. It was October 2014. I was at work and just hopped into a conference room about to start off my day with a morning meeting. I was sitting there by myself waiting for my boss and the rest of my team to join the meeting. I noticed my phone lit up and it was a text message from PC. He asked if I would be free sometime in November. I just stared at my phone and felt so surprised and confused. I didn’t know what to say besides staring aimlessly at the blinking text indicator mark for me to type a response back. I felt happy to hear from him yet more sad than anything. At that time we haven’t spoken in awhile so that text message caught me off guard.

Even though my meeting had started, I quickly replied with asking why. He simply said that he wanted to see me. My heart sank and at that moment I wished I wasn’t stuck in this meeting or even at work. I just wanted to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to see him but reality is we haven’t spoken in awhile and when we last did, it wasn’t on the best of terms. I responded back with telling him how I’d love to see him but we haven’t resolved anything and it wouldn’t be a good idea. There were a couple text messages after that, but I remember ending the conversation with telling him to forget about me. During that moment I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Even having to type that up again in this post hurts me still. Of course I didn’t want him to forget about me, but I felt like it was the best and simple solution to everything between us. I couldn’t see any resolution for us.

But yeah, that moment is still so clear in my mind even though it was so long ago. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my mind nor do I even know how or why that thought came to me tonight. I wish it was easy to shake these type of things off. Honestly I think my trip to Seattle rekindled so many memories for me that I thought I threw away somewhere but nope.

I really want to forget about it all even though I don’t want to. It’s doing me no good and c’mon I don’t even keep in touch with him at all. I just feel so pathetic to have these feelings and thoughts still. I guess I didn’t realize how truly heartbroken I was. When will it go away?