Alan Walker – Faded 

I could easily type up my whole rant but I’ll simply put it this way: I’m having a very rough time with things and I really want to go home to be around my parents and friends.


Skipping My Sibling’s Wedding

The title of this post is quite self explanatory. I’ll be skipping my sibling’s wedding. I’ve written a post somewhere discussing of my relationship with my “only brother”. Long story short, we don’t have a relationship, I haven’t seen him in a long time nor do I have his cell number. That’s how “close” we are. He’s a very toxic person that I’ve removed from my life for a long time and honestly I’ve done well without him in the picture. He’s never truly acted as an older brother to me …ever. He’s done a lot of horrible and hurtful things to me in the past that is very unforgivable. It’s just not your typical sibling rivalry where you’ll get over it and you guys can shoot the shit together.

On New Year’s Day this year, I woke up to a text message from my brother asking if I could be his fiancé’s bridesmaid. Mind you I’ve never met this girl, I don’t know what she looks like or her name, and we’ve never spoken to each other. I had ignored the text message and went about my day. What a way to wake up to the new year, right? Fast forward to today, I’ve been hounded by my parents, especially from my dad about coming home next month for the wedding. Originally I had thought about visiting home in May but when my parents mentioned the wedding, I never told them about my plan for coming to visit them and continued telling them I won’t be visiting any time soon.

My mom has tried convincing me to go, but I’m very stubborn and will continue to stick with my firm answer of “hell no”. I’ve explained my rationale to my mom as to why I don’t want to go nor do I care enough to go. Why the fuck would I attend a wedding that I don’t want to be at nor was I even formally invited to? Shit, even if my brother did invite me himself I still wouldn’t go. The point is I’ll be talked about regardless if I show up or not. I’ll only be getting disrespected if I go. Fuck that. I’d rather not be there and pretend to be happy for someone that I don’t know or really give a fuck about. Why waste a plane ticket to sit there with a bitchy face? I’d honestly rather stay home and work on my portfolio, read a book or go to the gym. That’s how non existent his wedding is on my list of “priorities”.

This past week my dad keeps asking me to come home next month and I give him the firm “hell no” as well. Am I fucked up and selfish to not show up? Honestly, yes and I’m not ashamed of it at all. Do I feel bad saying no to my parents? Not really. I’ve explained the dynamic of my “relationship” with my brother to them NUMEROUS times and they continue to not take me seriously. Well this time I hope this clicks for them. I can imagine how disappointed my parents are feeling about this whole thing, but it’s not my fault that their son is the biggest piece of shit that I’ve ever met. He had many chances in the past to change things between us but he fucked it up and it’s all too late. I don’t blame my parents to be angry and upset with me, but they should’ve listened and not taken this lightly. For them to now tell me that he said that he’s apologized to me is just bullshit. Years later and NOW you’re sorry for being a total prick? Go fuck yourself.

I’m just annoyed with getting nagged to go attend the bullshit wedding. I will not attend and condone his foolishness. He should just be glad that our parents are even gonna show up. Just leave me the fuck alone because my life has been fine without him. I don’t ever want him in my life nor in my future if I was to get married and have kids. That’s how toxic my brother is. Not many people can understand my decisions and thoughts that I have towards my brother and that’s okay. I’m not proud of the non existent relationship that I have with my brother. The only person that I’ve met that can truly understand this whole thing is my “work mom”. I try to encourage my friends that are distant from their siblings to make things better before it’s too late. My issues are much deeper with my brother than my friend’s with their siblings. In the past I had constantly wished and hoped that my brother would’ve made things better but he’s that much of a piece of shit so what can I do?

It is what it is and I just don’t want him to ever come near me. I want us to continue living our very separate lives.

Emotional Distress

During the month of March, I had barely blogged at all. As mentioned in previous posts I’ve been extremely busy with work and I was really heads down in my work along with dealing my POS manager. It’s been bad on my end that I haven’t really kept in touch with friends, besides my parents which is an obligation. This is how much work has taken over my life and I’m at fault for not setting those boundaries. Things has gotten really hard for me at work and it’s just been a total nightmare, which is why I’ve partially shut a lot of people out. I just didn’t know how to deal with all of the chaos. Granted my workload has lightened up a bit, which has been a huge relief and that’s not what’s making work a bad place.

Primarily I have a huge issue with my POS manager. She’s made it very difficult for me to work with her, not just myself but for the rest of the team. She’s created a negative work environment, which has led me to work from home a lot more now. It’s just an overall really unhealthy work situation right now. Every time when I was coming into the office, I’d end up crying and the arguments with the POS increased. The POS has caused me a lot of emotional distress at work and I can’t handle it anymore. That’s why for my own sanity, I’ve forced myself to work from home more often and it doesn’t help that she sits right next to me either. No matter what I did, she would constantly hound me and give me a hard time, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just minding my own business and doing my work. I’ve been open and honest with her like I’ve always been with the rest of my team, but reality is she’s the biggest Type-A, narcissistic, cunt that I’ve ever met and there is no way to rationale with her because once again she’s the biggest cunt that I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t use that word often, but she’s definitely earned that title now. Congrats girl!

My team has witnessed her being a POS to me and they don’t understand why she’s riding me so hard. Shit, I’ve been nothing but helpful and supportive of her and the reality is I don’t have to give a fuck, but I would hate to see this team fall a part because of her under qualified skills as a manager. Thankfully, my team has been very supportive of me during this stressful and rough time at work. When I had worked from home to get away from my manager, my colleagues were very kind to check up on me to see how I was feeling. I told them that I’m in a very fragile and emotional place right now where I just can’t come in as often as I used to be. I was starting to cry at home because I was that emotionally distressed. I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone or letting anyone see me being upset, but I’ve just been that sensitive. Two weeks ago I had an absolutely horrible day. I was very angry with her and was crying because that’s how frustrated I am because she’s constantly interfering with me getting my work done. I definitely lost my shit that day and I was really blunt with her during a one on one meeting with her. I straight up told her that I’m unhappy because she’s been discouraging and unsupportive due to her lack of respect and trust in me. Of course since she’s such a POS she just sat there staring at me like deer with headlights.

At that moment, it really made me realize I need to leave this job ASAP. Folks that I mentioned my situation to has been telling me to leave, but I’m that dedicated that I was fighting to stay. But now, I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I was very relieved that my trip was coming up that week. I really needed to get away from my manager, anything work related and to see a familiar face. I wanted to go home badly and I was very thankful that my close girlfriend, M who is like my sister came along with me to Seattle. A couple days before the trip, I had the chance to Facetime with M and I was balling my eyes out from that horrible day. I was looking forward to seeing her and to be in the comfort of her presence. During my trip I felt so relaxed and it was the first time ever in a VERY long time that I felt that relaxed. I didn’t think about work at all or the emotions that were attached to work. I had a great time with M and felt like my old happy self again. I haven’t felt like that in a long time and it made me realize that it’s truly time for me to move onto other prospective opportunities. I can’t continue to stay and deal with this bullshit. All I want to do is to collaborate with others and create kick ass design work. That’s all I want to do and I just don’t see that happening anymore at my current work place.

It’s sad that it’s taken me so long to realize it, but that’s how devoted I am to my work and my team. It saddens me to move on elsewhere since my team is filled with the most awesome people that I’ve ever met here in Cali so far. There’s so much that I can learn from them and it makes me upset that I have to leave just because of my bullshit manager. They’re the most intelligent, talented, hilarious and of course kindhearted people that I’ve met in Cali. I know they’re supportive with my choice to leave and I am grateful for their support as mentors to me and as friend. For now, it’s not easy to just up and leave this job since I got bills to pay, but I am currently working very hard to update my resume and portfolio this weekend so I can seriously get the fuck out. I pretty much came back from my trip with this “fuck this” attitude and I’m glad I came back that way. On Twitter, I follow a designer who posted something about “May1Reboot” and I was intrigued by the post and looked more into it. So pretty much May 1 is the deadline for designers (and non designers) to come together as a community to update their portfolio or whatever they want. It’s a time to really renew yourself and to come together. For me this was great motivation so I am aiming to get my shit together by May 1. Here’s the link if you want to check it out: http://www.may1reboot.com/

Apologies for the long post, but that’s what I’ve been up to.