Ridiculous Mess

I think out of everyone on my team, I’m taking it the hardest that my boss is gone. I’m very sad and sensitive about the whole situation. I’ve been trying my best to be positive, but it’s hard. I know I can reach out to him whenever, but work just isn’t the same without him. I knew he had a big impact on me, but damn. Didn’t realize how deep it was. I remember on his last day as I was about to head out with my work mom to an event, I really held it in and told myself not to cry as I gave him a hug. Honestly will be forever grateful for how supportive he’s been to me. I could never thank him enough for what’s he’s done.

So the event that my work mom, L and I had attended was this “Happiness Workshop: Find Your Pleasure, Purpose and Peace”. I had found the event through General Assembly and thought it was appropriate for myself and my team to attend this since we were all pretty upset with my boss leaving and the changes happening throughout the organization. Why not try to start off the new year with some positive light? I have to admit I was a bit hesitant on going because I thought it might’ve been corny yet in the description it seemed interesting. Long story short, I’m glad I attended. It made me realize a lot of things. Things that I’ve known, but just disregarded. Towards the end of the session you had to write down the names of people that you’re grateful for and circle 3 of the names on the list. After selecting the 3 names you have to tell those 3 people that you’re grateful to have them in your life or whatever you want to say. Mines was my mom, my boss, and my work mom L. After the session, both L and I were sharing that we were both grateful for each other. It was just very comforting to hear such kind words from her, especially during this very sensitive time for me.

During this workshop we had to write down who you are or what do you want to be. It can be anything like “I am awesome” or “I want to be a great cook”, something along those lines whatever you think about yourself. One of the things on my list that I wrote down and I cringed as my pen was touching the paper was that, “I want to be loved.” I know it sounds so stupid and lame, but I want a good man to love me. I want my own family some day for me to love and for them to love me in return. As much as I want to be loved, I’m scared. So I overwork myself and bury myself with work to protect myself.

It made me really think about my past relationships and the guys I’ve dealt with. I think back to how hurt I was when M and I ended. He was such a heartless asshole and I wasted 8 years with him. I was very heartbroken for 2 years and how I distanced myself from any guy. I’ve never felt that type of hurt ever. Literally felt like I got my heart ripped out. Then I remember when B came along and was very determined for us to date and I brushed him off, but we ended up dating briefly. Wished I continued brushing him off because that was bad. Next was P. I pursued him because he really caught my attention. I randomly think about him here and there but it’s all best for it to be left alone. When I got to Cali, there was D. Good catch, but clearly not good enough. The other day I drove past his old place and it brought back a lot of memories. I felt really sad for him and been thinking about him ever since that drive. Despite my past with these guys, I vaguely remember the butterflies. It makes me sad that I can’t really remember how those feelings were.

Sorry for the overly emotional post and reminiscing. There’s a lot that’s hitting me pretty hard and with my birthday coming up, I’m not as thrilled about them as I used to be. I get sad when my birthday approaches and I reflect a lot of what I’ve done in my life so far. Trust me I’ll get over all of this. I just feel so bombarded with so much shit and I’m just a mess right now. It’s a new year and I shouldn’t feel like this at all. I’ve just been staying quiet and keeping things in. So many thoughts and memories has been coming to mind and I just feel so scattered. I’ve been trying to keep things “business as usual” but it’s all catching up to me.

 

Time to sleep this off. Tomorrow will be a better day. Good night.

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2 comments
  1. Floey said:

    I’m so sorry you’re taking the change so hard. I don’t deal well with change at all…stay strong dear.

  2. Aww, I know how you feel. It takes a lot to move past the hurt from past relationships. I think it’s a good thing that you realize you still want love. There are too many out there who give up on that. I would say don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and keep an open mind. You deserve someone who will treat you right! That workshop sounds amazing, I wish I had one here. Take care, hugs!

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