Can’t Catch A Break

I’ve been working every single day this past month. It’s safe to say that I’m pretty burnt out and very much sleep deprived. But with all the hard work that I’ve devoted to this project where I am the lead designer, I’m very proud of myself with its progress and the feedback I’ve received after today’s presentation. I’m currently working on the mobile design of the project and been trying to figure out some of the kinks. I look like a crazy person just doodling up so many paper prototypes because I needed to give my eyes a break from looking at my computer. As that midnight oil was burning last night cranking away at this project to have enough to present today, I had to force myself to go to bed.

Yet as I got into bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then it came to me that my colleague had shown me this app to view my mockup on my phone. After I downloaded it and connected my document to my phone, I was really happy with the design. As corny as it may sound I was so proud of the design that happy tears were ready to burst. To hold my phone and viewing my design on there felt so gratifying. There was just something about literally having that design in the palm of your hands make it feel so real. Corny, I know I know. Anyways, I was definitely able to fall asleep happily after viewing my prototype. I felt more confident about presenting the designs and I received more great feedback from the stakeholders and my team after today’s meetings. It made me feel relieved since I’ve been busting my ass all month long.

I’ll be flying to Chicago tomorrow to visit my close friend C and as a little belated birthday trip for myself. I was dreading the thought of having to do any work while I’m traveling since I’ve been working a lot this month. However, I am still going to pack my laptop with me just in case, but at least I know that I’m feeling a lot more relieved with today’s successful presentation. I’ve been in need of a break, time to myself to just not think about much and do whatever. Definitely looking forward to seeing C since I’ve failed to visit her ever since we both moved out of Boston and she’s visited me twice since I’ve been in Cali. I’m excited to catch up, chill, have girl time and eat bomb food. Although I am dreading about packing when I get home from work. Blahhh! I feel like I’ve kinda sorta forgotten how to dress for legit cold weather after living in Cali. I had to reschedule yesterday’s acupuncture appointment to tomorrow instead since I had so much to get done. Looking forward to acupuncture and massage before my flight tomorrow!

Can’t wait to get to Chicago. 🙂


Ridiculous Mess

I think out of everyone on my team, I’m taking it the hardest that my boss is gone. I’m very sad and sensitive about the whole situation. I’ve been trying my best to be positive, but it’s hard. I know I can reach out to him whenever, but work just isn’t the same without him. I knew he had a big impact on me, but damn. Didn’t realize how deep it was. I remember on his last day as I was about to head out with my work mom to an event, I really held it in and told myself not to cry as I gave him a hug. Honestly will be forever grateful for how supportive he’s been to me. I could never thank him enough for what’s he’s done.

So the event that my work mom, L and I had attended was this “Happiness Workshop: Find Your Pleasure, Purpose and Peace”. I had found the event through General Assembly and thought it was appropriate for myself and my team to attend this since we were all pretty upset with my boss leaving and the changes happening throughout the organization. Why not try to start off the new year with some positive light? I have to admit I was a bit hesitant on going because I thought it might’ve been corny yet in the description it seemed interesting. Long story short, I’m glad I attended. It made me realize a lot of things. Things that I’ve known, but just disregarded. Towards the end of the session you had to write down the names of people that you’re grateful for and circle 3 of the names on the list. After selecting the 3 names you have to tell those 3 people that you’re grateful to have them in your life or whatever you want to say. Mines was my mom, my boss, and my work mom L. After the session, both L and I were sharing that we were both grateful for each other. It was just very comforting to hear such kind words from her, especially during this very sensitive time for me.

During this workshop we had to write down who you are or what do you want to be. It can be anything like “I am awesome” or “I want to be a great cook”, something along those lines whatever you think about yourself. One of the things on my list that I wrote down and I cringed as my pen was touching the paper was that, “I want to be loved.” I know it sounds so stupid and lame, but I want a good man to love me. I want my own family some day for me to love and for them to love me in return. As much as I want to be loved, I’m scared. So I overwork myself and bury myself with work to protect myself.

It made me really think about my past relationships and the guys I’ve dealt with. I think back to how hurt I was when M and I ended. He was such a heartless asshole and I wasted 8 years with him. I was very heartbroken for 2 years and how I distanced myself from any guy. I’ve never felt that type of hurt ever. Literally felt like I got my heart ripped out. Then I remember when B came along and was very determined for us to date and I brushed him off, but we ended up dating briefly. Wished I continued brushing him off because that was bad. Next was P. I pursued him because he really caught my attention. I randomly think about him here and there but it’s all best for it to be left alone. When I got to Cali, there was D. Good catch, but clearly not good enough. The other day I drove past his old place and it brought back a lot of memories. I felt really sad for him and been thinking about him ever since that drive. Despite my past with these guys, I vaguely remember the butterflies. It makes me sad that I can’t really remember how those feelings were.

Sorry for the overly emotional post and reminiscing. There’s a lot that’s hitting me pretty hard and with my birthday coming up, I’m not as thrilled about them as I used to be. I get sad when my birthday approaches and I reflect a lot of what I’ve done in my life so far. Trust me I’ll get over all of this. I just feel so bombarded with so much shit and I’m just a mess right now. It’s a new year and I shouldn’t feel like this at all. I’ve just been staying quiet and keeping things in. So many thoughts and memories has been coming to mind and I just feel so scattered. I’ve been trying to keep things “business as usual” but it’s all catching up to me.


Time to sleep this off. Tomorrow will be a better day. Good night.