The past two weeks has been pretty emotionally exhausting with the shit show happening at work. As productive as the conversations with my team has been, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Well at least for now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do and things to figure out, but I really want to put it on pause for now and give it a break.
My work mom is the best. The other night we grabbed dinner along with an old colleague/friend and a few other women. It was a really great time after a stressful and emotional week at work. As much as I hate the holidays, I got my work mom a Christmas gift because she really is that awesome. After dinner, we went back to her house where her family sang Christmas carols and played instruments while singing along. I have to admit I felt a bit uncomfortable and sad as I sat there watching them. I’ve met my work mom’s husband and all of her kids and they’re all truly wonderful people. Her family is so wholesome and lovely, and to witness such sweetness amongst each other, I grew even more sad.
To be in her home filled with so much energy and love was very unfamiliar to me. I know every family is different, but I really wished my own family was like hers. I wish I knew what it was like to actually spend Christmas with my family or to do anything with them. To do anything with my parents is like pulling teeth. The last time we had dinner during my visit, I felt a huge amount of sadness as I tried to get through dinner. I felt like they rushed through the meal so they can go about their way and I felt like neither of them cared or noticed. I wish my family wasn’t so fucked up and maintained traditions. I’m still pretty sad about this. I love my parents unconditionally and as the years go by, no matter how hard I try to keep my family intact, the seams are falling apart and I feel more abandoned by them. It really breaks my heart and I don’t know what else to do to fix it.
The more invites I had from people to join them and their family for the holiday, I politely declined. It would only make me feel worst than I do already that I can’t be with my own family. Even if I could be with my family, we wouldn’t be able to do anything at all. So for me to sit there and watch another family enjoy themselves just hurts me even more. I do appreciate their kind gesture, but I just can’t join in on the “fun”. As much as I tried to hold it in and to not cry about this, too late. I feel like this the most during the holidays and I really wish the holidays could be over already. I’ll get over it. It’s just been pretty rough lately.
Anyways, good night.