Goodbye 2015

I came to a realization this morning that I never noticed up until now how close and involved I was with my colleagues this past year. It’s not a bad thing, but just saying. They do say that you spend more time with your colleagues than you do with your family. This is pretty true. Throughout my career I’ve never worked with such a collaborative group of people that can work so cohesively together, both inside and outside the work environment. Also, I’ve never had such a supportive boss leader and mentor in my career and that was something I’ve always been on the search for. I started to get all choked up and started tearing up when I told him all of this. There is nothing more fulfilling than to be at a job with a great team and kick ass manager. No matter how much my salary is, it can never reward me with those things.

Lately I’ve been pretty emotional in the office with all of the changes that are occurring at work, but my team now realizes how much of a soft spot I have for all them with them and this career. If I’m crying at work, it just means I really give a fuck about the work and the people. I’ve never cried this much at a job EVER haha. Despite the changes, I’m ready to move forward into the new year and to continue producing great design work. This past week I’ve been stepping it up and taking the initiative to help move my team into a more positive light since we’ve been so bogged down by the changes. I can only hope for more good to come to our team since we’ve all worked so hard to pave a path for ourselves at this organization.

Besides work, it was always great to visit home this past year. I didn’t expect to fly back as often as I did, but it was always a nice escape from Cali. During my visits home, it felt really good that I was able to provide again for my parents. To see how happy my parents were whenever I spoiled them made me really happy. It’s my way to reassure them that I’m doing fine for myself out here. They do worry about how I’m alone out here, but they’re gradually easing up that their baby girl is fine.

It was always a great time seeing my close friends as well as friends that I haven’t seen in YEARS. I met up with my “2nd grade best friend” in SF. It was interesting that it wasn’t awkward at all when we met up. Granted I haven’t seen him since maybe even middle school since he moved around a lot. So a lot of time has passed us. He’s a really great and extremely funny guy and I’m glad we’ve still kept in touch ever since we had met up. It was also great catching up with a friend from Boston that has also relocated to Cali. We were never close, but she’s a great girl and it was just comforting to have a familiar face from home that can understand you.

As for my NYE plans, I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. I’m exhausted and simply want some peace and quiet. I want to relax and to not think about anything. Well I might actually continue declutter my room. I have set items that I need to donate and need to get that organized. Otherwise, I will most likely be asleep by 10pm haha. I sound like a boring old lady but oh well.

What I hope to accomplish in the new year is:

  • continue growing and developing more skill sets in my career
  • use personal time to create new design projects for myself
  • hope this sciatica bullshit goes away FOREVER -_-
  • get back into a work out regiment despite that sciatica is still lingering
  • travel more and hopefully somewhere international, which reminds me that I need to renew my passport
  • get back into photography again


I think that’s all I have in mind for now. Hope everyone has a happy new year! 🙂


Holiday Blues

The past two weeks has been pretty emotionally exhausting with the shit show happening at work. As productive as the conversations with my team has been, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Well at least for now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do and things to figure out, but I really want to put it on pause for now and give it a break.

My work mom is the best. The other night we grabbed dinner along with an old colleague/friend and a few other women. It was a really great time after a stressful and emotional week at work. As much as I hate the holidays, I got my work mom a Christmas gift because she really is that awesome. After dinner, we went back to her house where her family sang Christmas carols and played instruments while singing along. I have to admit I felt a bit uncomfortable and sad as I sat there watching them. I’ve met my work mom’s husband and all of her kids and they’re all truly wonderful people. Her family is so wholesome and lovely, and to witness such sweetness amongst each other, I grew even more sad.

To be in her home filled with so much energy and love was very unfamiliar to me. I know every family is different, but I really wished my own family was like hers. I wish I knew what it was like to actually spend Christmas with my family or to do anything with them. To do anything with my parents is like pulling teeth. The last time we had dinner during my visit, I felt a huge amount of sadness as I tried to get through dinner. I felt like they rushed through the meal so they can go about their way and I felt like neither of them cared or noticed. I wish my family wasn’t so fucked up and maintained traditions. I’m still pretty sad about this. I love my parents unconditionally and as the years go by, no matter how hard I try to keep my family intact, the seams are falling apart and I feel more abandoned by them. It really breaks my heart and I don’t know what else to do to fix it.

The more invites I had from people to join them and their family for the holiday, I politely declined. It would only make me feel worst than I do already that I can’t be with my own family. Even if I could be with my family, we wouldn’t be able to do anything at all. So for me to sit there and watch another family enjoy themselves just hurts me even more. I do appreciate their kind gesture, but I just can’t join in on the “fun”. As much as I tried to hold it in and to not cry about this, too late. I feel like this the most during the holidays and I really wish the holidays could be over already. I’ll get over it. It’s just been pretty rough lately.


Anyways, good night.

Work Frustrations

It’s been a very stressful and emotional time at my company. Ever since the acquisition there’s constantly people leaving every week. It’s really sad to see great and smart people leaving. We’ve lost 2 folks on my team. I was pretty bummed out about that. Last week I ended up crying back to back…to back after my daily check in calls for a project that I’m working on. I’m frustrated and unhappy with where I stand not only in the organization, but amongst my team. For me to get that upset to the point of crying means I really care a lot. I’m very passionate about what I do and I genuinely give a fuck about my team. It was a pretty rough week last week and today I was hoping for this week to get better. NOPE!

Spoke with my boss today only to be informed that he is leaving the company. I just totally lost it and started crying. I was really sad when he shared the news with me. He’s been more than a boss, but actually an amazing leader for our team. He’s always been supportive of myself and everyone else on the team. He’s done a lot for me that no one in my entire career has EVER done. As crazy as things has gotten at work over the past couple of months, I could’ve easily left to find another job, but I would never find a great leader like him. I put up with all of the things that’s been happening just for me to keep an awesome boss like him around.

For now I’m unhappy and very concerned for where my team will be in the upcoming new year. I’m crazy to stay at my company, but I am very dedicated to my team and willing to stick around the shit show that’s been going on. But I’m also going to prepare and protect myself in case I decide to jump off board because who knows what will happen in the new year.


This fucking sucks.