Today my mom and I went to visit my grandma. I always make sure we schedule a day where we go together to visit her. The last time I had seen her was last year when it was my first time visiting Boston since my move. Prior to visiting my grandma last year, my mom would tell me stories about how every time my family would see her she would always ask about me. I am the baby girl on my mom’s side and she did raise me.
When I had seen her last year I was excited yet anxious. I greeted her with a hello and a hug. My mom had asked her if she knows who I was and she shook her head no. That made me really want to cry right at that moment but she is 93 so I couldn’t blame her for not remembering me. Later I had realized and told my mom that grandma only remembers me up to my teenage years. She doesn’t really know what I look like as full grown adult Connie, not that I look entirely different or anything.
I was just really sad and very angry at myself for not visiting her as often even before I moved. I feel like shit for not being there all those times. She really is a huge chunk of my heart and I feel like a horrible granddaughter for not being there as much as she has been for me growing up.
During today’s visit I was once again excited yet more anxious than last year. I was bracing myself for if she doesn’t remember me again. I was getting pretty emotional the closer we got to her room. She was napping when my mom and I had arrived. She was surprised to see us and she just kept staring at me. I greeted her with a hello and a hug. I sat next to her on her bed holding her hand during the whole visit. My mom asked her if she remembered me and I was relieved when she said yes. Happy tears wanted to come out but nope haha. Although with her being 94 now, she also thinks I work at her current senior home. She told me she just saw me a couple days ago and I just laughed a little. I kept having to tell her that I work very far away and that I came back to see her. She wasn’t accepting what I kept telling her and that’s okay.
I was very happy that she remembered me and I didn’t want to let go of her hand at all. Holding her hand reminded me a lot of things. How she used to hold my hand when I was little and we would go for long walks or how she would hold my hand and stand up for me whenever my brother picked on me. There was just a lot of childhood memories that really hit me hard. Anyways, it was hard for me to have to leave but I’m hoping to visit home again soon so I can see her again.