I’m already stressed out enough as is with my health and the last thing I want to deal with is bullshit from home. It’s only making me feel worst and making it harder for me to relax. My household just isn’t the same ever since I moved to Cali. I had a tight grip on everything and made sure everyone was okay. Well that’s clearly not the case anymore.
My mom has grown very secretive towards me and is a horrible liar. I can sense that bullshit the moment my phone rings. Is this what our relationship has come down to now? I’m your daughter. Not a fucking stranger on the street. Her lack of trust for me is hurtful but I’ve known for years that I was never her first choice when I’m put up against my brother. Just not the best feeling a parent should ever pass off to their child. Thanks mom… Regardless, she is my mom and I love her deeply. I just wished she felt the same way.
As for my dad, I sympathize for him. Ever since I’ve told him about my sciatica he’s been very unhappy. He tells me constantly that he wishes he could deal with the pain I’m going through instead of me. Those words tugged so hard on them heart strings. I have a huge soft spot for my dad. He’s my bestfriend and everything to me.
During tonight’s call he expressed how unhappy he was with his life which has raised major concerns from my end. He expressed how hard he’s worked over the years and feels like he can’t enjoy life. He feels like his family has fallen apart, especially after I had moved. How do you not feel like shit when someone tells you that? I wanted to cry as he said more and more but he was on the other end crying already. I worry about him as well as my mom.
I’m working my hardest out here and trying to make things right, yet in this moment I too feel like some of the things around me is falling apart. I can definitely relate to everything my dad said tonight. At what point does all this hard work pay off? I want to give my family a better life than what they’ve provided for me. I’m struggling with taking care of my own health and being able to provide for my family. With my health being in a shitty place right now, it has made me feel very low. I’m constantly worried that how can I have the appetite to enjoy a meal and focus well on my work?
It’s a very stressful time for me and I’m unhappy. It’s harder on me since I’m alone. I just wish for happiness and peace for my family and friends back home. That’s all I really want especially during this difficult time for me. At what point can you believe that everything will be okay…again?