Belonging

I’ve mentioned enough already about my funk I’ve been dealing with since I came back from Boston in August. It’s now October and this shit is still lingering. At a point last week I felt like “YES! I getting it together…FINALLY!”. Um, yeah that’s a negative. Over the weekend I had learned from a colleague about another colleague on my team that is leaving our team. I was extremely bummed out about the news and still am. He had announced the news today during our daily team meeting. It was written all over my face that I was upset about the news. I don’t hide my emotions well and I don’t care. He’s been a great friend as well as mentor. I found myself almost tearing up a bit from the news, but I resisted as much as possible. There’s a lot of changes happening at work and today it’s hitting me the hardest. I was chatting with a close colleague of mines as he asked me for my thoughts about the recent news and changes. Straight up told him I felt like shit. It made me question where do I stand in the company or even amongst the team. I want to continue being a part of this amazing team, but due to certain things it’s gotten real hard to keep my morale high. My colleague said some encouraging words, but it’s not much help at this point.

It’s just been a bad day. All I want to do is to shut everyone out and have time to myself. The lingering question of me staying in Cali comes to mind and I don’t know anymore. Definitely will be staying for now, but when someone had asked me about my 5 year plan I just kinda spaced out. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. I’m actually kinda scared about what can happen in the next 5 years. There’s just a lot going on and today I definitely felt a strong desire to go visit home. I am highly looking forward to my upcoming trip home soon. I just need comfort from my parents and friends. I’m really confused about some things. What am I trying to do? What do I need? Blah! I just really feel like I’m in the back seat watching some things around me falling a part and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.

I just need peace and quiet.

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2 comments
  1. Damn. It seems your work and personal life is kind of tied together. Is it more pressure for you now that he left?

    • Connie said:

      Not more pressure on me. Just uncertain of what will happen to the dynamic of my team and there’s just a lot of organizational changes happening as well. We’ll see what will happen.

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