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Monthly Archives: October 2015

I’m already stressed out enough as is with my health and the last thing I want to deal with is bullshit from home. It’s only making me feel worst and making it harder for me to relax. My household just isn’t the same ever since I moved to Cali. I had a tight grip on everything and made sure everyone was okay. Well that’s clearly not the case anymore.

My mom has grown very secretive towards me and is a horrible liar. I can sense that bullshit the moment my phone rings. Is this what our relationship has come down to now? I’m your daughter. Not a fucking stranger on the street. Her lack of trust for me is hurtful but I’ve known for years that I was never her first choice when I’m put up against my brother. Just not the best feeling a parent should ever pass off to their child. Thanks mom… Regardless, she is my mom and I love her deeply. I just wished she felt the same way.

As for my dad, I sympathize for him. Ever since I’ve told him about my sciatica he’s been very unhappy. He tells me constantly that he wishes he could deal with the pain I’m going through instead of me. Those words tugged so hard on them heart strings. I have a huge soft spot for my dad. He’s my bestfriend and everything to me.

During tonight’s call he expressed how unhappy he was with his life which has raised major concerns from my end. He expressed how hard he’s worked over the years and feels like he can’t enjoy life. He feels like his family has fallen apart, especially after I had moved. How do you not feel like shit when someone tells you that? I wanted to cry as he said more and more but he was on the other end crying already. I worry about him as well as my mom.

I’m working my hardest out here and trying to make things right, yet in this moment I too feel like some of the things around me is falling apart. I can definitely relate to everything my dad said tonight. At what point does all this hard work pay off? I want to give my family a better life than what they’ve provided for me. I’m struggling with taking care of my own health and being able to provide for my family. With my health being in a shitty place right now, it has made me feel very low. I’m constantly worried that how can I have the appetite to enjoy a meal and focus well on my work?

It’s a very stressful time for me and I’m unhappy. It’s harder on me since I’m alone. I just wish for happiness and peace for my family and friends back home. That’s all I really want especially during this difficult time for me. At what point can you believe that everything will be okay…again?

I’m dealing with some scary stuff right now and it’s been extremely stressful the past couple of days. It’s been hard to sleep since I am just beyond scared and upset. Basically my left leg isn’t functioning properly. It feels very weak, numb and it tingles and my knee is stiff, but I’m still able to walk around a bit. As for driving, my left leg gets uncomfortable for sitting in the car for too long. I noticed all of this on Sunday morning. I had worn heels the night before since I had a wedding to attend and the next morning I noticed my left leg felt weird. I was planning on going to the gym that morning, but opted for a walk around the neighborhood to see how I feel. I walked it off a bit and decided maybe I should see what would happen if I tried to lightly jog. Major mistake. I fell and scrapped my knee. Not the brightest idea. I had walked back home and tried to use my left foot first to step into my place since there’s a small step. Yeah, I fell AGAIN. I panicked really bad and got really scared.

Pretty sure it’s sciatica from all the symptoms that I have. I felt so immobile yesterday and it sucked. I was too scared to get up and do anything in case I might fall again and no one is around. That idea alone made me feel extremely unhappy. This is the down side of living somewhere where you don’t have your family or friends around. If I was back in Boston, I’d have plenty of help. But what’s the use of an emergency contact when they live across the country? My parents called me last night and I always try to not worry them about anything, but this case I had to let them know what was wrong. Of course they became extremely concerned and I felt horrible for having them know what was wrong, but this is something I can’t hide.

There’s complications with my health insurance which a major blocker, otherwise I would’ve seen the doctor already and not even be writing about this. But I feel extremely helpless and alone dealing with this. It’s hard not for me to cry as much as I am about it because I really have no one to turn to. Luckily I’ve gotten the health insurance issue straightened out, but I still have to wait 2 weeks. I really miss my family and friends and times like this I highly consider moving back. It really scares me that what if something else happens and no one can come help me. I’m just extremely upset and I’m really hoping that I get better. Luckily with my job I am able to work remotely, but still I prefer to be in the office. I went to get a massage today in hopes that it might relieve the pain which it temporarily did. Next step is hopefully I can go to this doctor that my landlord recommends for acupuncture.

I’m just extremely scared to fall asleep and to wake up the next day to my left leg being totally impaired.

I’ve been pretty upset for the past 2 days. Bad timing for me to even feel this way since I am absolutely slammed with work this weekend. Have you ever wished for things to just work out and you don’t want to talk about it out loud or as much because you’re afraid you’ll jinx yourself? It’s how I feel right now. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all, but I can’t help it. I tried to not think about it as much but I just started to feel even more anxious by the minute. I confided in friends for their opinions, but that only made me feel a tiny bit better. The longer I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside yesterday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had decided to get out for my own sanity sake, which only resulted in me crying.

As I was about to park my car I had a total melt down. I started crying so hysterically in my car, my face into my palms and wondering what was wrong with me. I am being hard on myself and I am so vulnerable right now. Sitting in my car for awhile last night and crying was the absolute worst feeling I’ve dealt with in awhile. I felt so alone in that moment thinking about everything. I thought about how I’m in my late 20s, soon to approach my 30s and haven’t been able to maintain a solid relationship in awhile. When I said those things to my friend she had totally understood how I felt and why I could be overthinking. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’ve been allowing things to fall into its own place, but why can’t that one aspect in my life come together? This is probably why I try to drown myself in my work so I can protect myself from feeling this way.

I had gone to bed early last night just wanting to sleep off all of these emotions, but that didn’t really help. I dragged myself out this morning so I can get work done, but it’s been hard to focus. I need to pull myself out of my emotions and snap out of this shit. I just can’t help but to think about myself crying in my car last night. It’s something that should never happen to anyone.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I’ve mentioned enough already about my funk I’ve been dealing with since I came back from Boston in August. It’s now October and this shit is still lingering. At a point last week I felt like “YES! I getting it together…FINALLY!”. Um, yeah that’s a negative. Over the weekend I had learned from a colleague about another colleague on my team that is leaving our team. I was extremely bummed out about the news and still am. He had announced the news today during our daily team meeting. It was written all over my face that I was upset about the news. I don’t hide my emotions well and I don’t care. He’s been a great friend as well as mentor. I found myself almost tearing up a bit from the news, but I resisted as much as possible. There’s a lot of changes happening at work and today it’s hitting me the hardest. I was chatting with a close colleague of mines as he asked me for my thoughts about the recent news and changes. Straight up told him I felt like shit. It made me question where do I stand in the company or even amongst the team. I want to continue being a part of this amazing team, but due to certain things it’s gotten real hard to keep my morale high. My colleague said some encouraging words, but it’s not much help at this point.

It’s just been a bad day. All I want to do is to shut everyone out and have time to myself. The lingering question of me staying in Cali comes to mind and I don’t know anymore. Definitely will be staying for now, but when someone had asked me about my 5 year plan I just kinda spaced out. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. I’m actually kinda scared about what can happen in the next 5 years. There’s just a lot going on and today I definitely felt a strong desire to go visit home. I am highly looking forward to my upcoming trip home soon. I just need comfort from my parents and friends. I’m really confused about some things. What am I trying to do? What do I need? Blah! I just really feel like I’m in the back seat watching some things around me falling a part and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.

I just need peace and quiet.