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Monthly Archives: September 2015

I feel very sensitive and emotional right now and all I really want is my family and friends. With some of the recent things that I’ve been dealing with I feel alone. I need comfort from the people I love back home. I know that when I pick up my phone to confide in a friend back home that they’ll always be there, but sometimes that’s not enough. I need to physically be around them. As stupid and corny as this may sound, I just want a hug from my family and friends. I’ll get over this, but I’m just having one of those days where I want to be back in Boston more than anything.

Aaliyah – At Your Best (You Are Love)

As angry as I was in my last post as well as these past couple of days, B texted me today and just the little things he said cheered me up. We just had a casual conversation and I was giddy school girl smiling from ear to ear as we continued texting each other. I honestly haven’t been like this in a long time and it’s really refreshing and sweet. It takes a lot for me to like you and I never would’ve thought I’d have such a big crush on someone haha. It was a very pleasant surprise today. I didn’t have to share with him anything that was wrong with me. He has this way of making me feel so at ease regardless of what we’re talking about and it helps me forget about the stupid bullshit. Despite his kindness I still think guys are assholes, but he’s an exception to the rule…for now haha. Do I expect anything to happen between us? No, but I’m really looking forward to my next trip home haha. 🙂

I haven’t been in the best of spirits as mentioned in my latest posts. As I’ve been struggling to try to pull myself out of this funk, of course someone would have to piss me off. Lets start off with D. Been really giving him the benefit of the doubt and been extremely patient with him for so long, but I’m fed up and over it. I just feel like he wants something from me and that’s that. Motherfucker can’t even ask how my day is or anything. There’s only so many times I can repeat myself and tell you that shit is not cool. There’s also so many times where sorry can be said…over and over again. The apology is no longer sincere nor anywhere near meaningful. If you’re fucking sorry then don’t say stupid shit and have some respect for me. He apologized and I just ignored the text. I wasn’t going to have anymore of that shit. At this rate he’s lost all of his brownie points and I don’t care anymore.

Then comes J. Last night J texted me out of nowhere. Instant thought was should I ignore or reply. We haven’t seen each other in about a year nor have we spoken since possibly earlier this year. When I saw his text I thought he might be drunk and turns out my ass was right. We don’t hang out anymore for a particular reason but then again he also likes me. During the texting between us I found out that he’s been staying away from me. Okay, what the fuck did I do now?! I don’t need you to fucking text me hi yet you’re gonna keep your ass away from me. The fuck is your problem?! I told him he might as well delete my number since we don’t hang out nor keep in touch often and that it’s not cool to put me on the back burner like that. I was getting angry by the second especially with his weak replies. Motherfucker kept bugging the shit out of me texting me and started calling me several times. He texted me this morning apologizing for being a drunken idiot and I just ignored that shit. Alcohol is no excuse to act like an ass clown and learn how to hold your liquor dumb ass.

I don’t have the time for people to do that type of shit to me nor will I put up with it. I am gonna be a total bitch about it because IT”S MOTHERFUCKING RUDE! I’ve never ever done that to anyone because I have manners and I’m considerate of others. During the texting with J, for a slight second I got a bit upset realizing people like himself and D are putting me on the back burner. I’m only needed and wanted when they feel like it and it’s quite mean and hurtful. Not quite sure what the fuck I did to be treated like that but I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t deserve to be treated like that and quite frankly no one does. I’m a nice girl minding my own business, so what the fuck do you want? Argh!!! Been in a bad mood dealing with Beavis and Butthead that I bailed on my plans today. I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone at all. All I wanted was some peace and quiet to myself.

Guys are assholes.

I’ve been procrastinating pretty bad with work. I’m a bit far behind on some stuff. What’s worst is I’m lagging on a project that shouldn’t even be taking this long. Get your shit together!!! It was my boss’ birthday yesterday and I was working from home. I had no intentions on going into the office until my colleague sent out an e-mail to our team about an “important meeting” later that evening. I immediately messaged her and asked her what’s the deal. She mentioned it was my boss’ birthday, which was a relief that it wasn’t anything serious haha. I felt bad that I wasn’t in the office and that our team didn’t really get to plan anything for him. So I immediately got dressed yesterday afternoon and went to the store to buy him cupcakes and off to SF I went. Towards the end of the day we surprised him with the cupcakes while playing Kool and the Gang – Celebration as his intro song to walk into haha. Afterwards we went to the nearby bar for quick drinks before I had to go home only to get back to get on a meeting. Despite how short notice it was, it was still fun and I hope he enjoyed it.

I’ve been hesitant on attending my friend’s wedding next month. My reasons: I won’t know anyone there, don’t really want to drive to Stockton, and I’m not extremely close to this couple. I’ve held off on responding with my decision in attending or declining. I partially wanted to ask D to go with me, but it’s been like pulling teeth to get him out in general. I’ve given up on that and decided to attend without him. There’s something about being older now and attending a wedding by yourself. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m obligated to have a date with me, but it just would’ve been nice to have someone else there with me. Oh well…

I’ve already made plans for my birthday, which is months away still. My close friend who now lives in Chicago has been wanting me to visit, but it’s been held off for several reasons. I’ve been to Chicago with her before, but I’m sure she’d appreciate a friend visiting. Not too thrilled about being in Chicago during the winter time, but I’m excited to see her though. I decided to book my trip a week after my birthday in case I decide I want to do something or if anything here for my actual birthday. Dreading the thought of getting older. Blah! But looking forward to my trip though! Obviously I don’t have much winter apparel since I live in Cali now. Luckily I just bought a new winter coat since my all time favorite coat was stolen last year when I was visiting Boston. That’ll be put into good use for my upcoming trip to Boston and Chicago. 🙂

Need to get my health aligned again. Blah! Back pain, knee pain, sleep issues. It’s like the never ending story, sighs. Need to stop procrastinating!

Today I started looking into where to travel for Christmas since I definitely won’t be going back to Boston. Plus, I’ll already be in Boston for Thanksgiving. Been looking into possibly Seattle since I have been wanting to visit for quite some time. Currently looking at some flight and hotel deals. I just don’t want to be home alone during the holidays. It doesn’t help either being far away from my family and friends. If I’m going to be alone during the holidays, might as well spend it out of town exploring somewhere new, right? So we shall see.

Anyways, Happy Friday! 🙂

I’m pretty relieved that this work week is over. It’s been really hard for me still to get back into the swing of things in the office that I am now behind on some of my work. No bueno. I’m glad that it’s the long weekend, which could help me really get my shit together. I’ve been thinking about what to do with my time. First things first is to get my work done before I can relax and enjoy myself. I legit didn’t do anything today besides check on my juror status and thankfully I didn’t have to go. I’m pretty annoyed with myself that I didn’t do any bit of work today, but I know I’ll get to it…eventually.

As for Labor Day weekend plans, I’ve been thinking about getting a nice hotel with a pool and a room to myself to relax, but we shall see. I’m not really in the mood to drive anywhere far since everyone else will be out on the roads this holiday weekend. If my mood changes, then I’ll head down to Santa Cruz to enjoy the last bit of the summer sun and to get my tan on at the beach. If I decide to stay locally then perhaps I’ll pamper myself and get a haircut since my hair is getting a little out of control, but at the same time I don’t care. I told myself to start running again this weekend to clear my mind, but lacking motivation there. I’ve been in this design slump and thought to myself that here’s the time to really engage and inspire myself again. Another part of me wants to go to the flower shop to decorate my desk and to declutter my room again…even though there isn’t much in my room already.

My mind is scattered. Whatever it is that’s going on in my mind, I’m craving for a change of some sort or something. I just don’t feel fulfilled anymore. I guess right now I’m going to take advantage of this long weekend to sort my thoughts out, but I don’t expect myself to come to a resolution. I just need to get my ass back on track with life.