Lost Thoughts

Derlee – Chao For Now

I don’t know if it’s because I’m 80% tired most of the time or what, but I feel slightly lost. For some odd reason I feel unsure as to where I belong. Most of this is due to the changes to my household back in the east coast. I feel like during my last trip home, the moment I got onto the plane to go back to Cali I feel as if I don’t deserve to ever come back because I don’t have a home anymore. There’s an amount of sadness that I’ve covered up by drowning myself in work because I feel as if I’ve lost my family. I feel very alone, disconnected and out of place. The desire to go home isn’t as strong as it used to be. I feel as though I’d have no place to go nor stay. I’m just a floater really. My conversations with my parents has decreased because I am actually busy with work but at the same time I have nothing to say to them. Any conversing with them only makes me feel worst and it shouldn’t. I love my parents unconditionally. I just need to accept the changes.

Last weekend while I was getting ready to go about my day, my close girlfriend L asked me to Facetime. It was nice catching up until the unexpected waterworks kicked in. I just cracked when we started talking about D. I feel a great deal of sadness for him. I don’t pity him for what he has to deal with. It just sucks that it has to be him. I constantly wish that things were they used to be, but obviously over a period of time a lot has changed between us. I imagine myself in his shoes and the way he has chosen to limit himself to certain things. It’s just unfortunate for anyone to go through what he’s going through. When L told me hopefully he’ll get better, I just cried more and thought what is he doesn’t? I worry about him a lot. For now, I can only continue being understanding and supportive as much as I wish I can have things my way.

I hate going to the doctors. It’s one of the things I dread the most. It’s just walking into a building full of bad news. During a recent visit I got quite a scare. It’s still stressing me out a little bit. There has been some improvements in my health, but you can never walk out of the doctor’s office without feeling sad. For what I had hoped to be a quick visit turned out that I had a few unexpected blood tests taken. When my appointment was over I looked like I got beaten up. My arm and wrist had a bruise. I had multiple bandaids on my arm, hand and finger. Talk about what the fuck. As soon as I got home I tried to sleep off the bits of bad news. My mind couldn’t switch gears into work mode. I proceeded with my remaining meetings for the day and tried to be engaged as possible. The moment those ended, I turned off my laptop. I haven’t really been myself since then. With the other things happening in my life, it has made me feel worst than I had already.

I stay hoping for the best with everything in my life. Life isn’t horrible. I’ve hit a bump and that’s all. There’s just so much for my mind to wrap around that I’ve gotten so lost trying to gather my thoughts. At this point, I just don’t want to think about anything anymore. I just want to relax, listen to some music and read my book.

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