Ever since I came back from my recent trip to Boston along with having a close friend visiting me here, I’ve been in this funk. I just don’t want to do anything at all. I feel a sudden lost for motivation and extremely lethargic. I just want to be left alone and talk to no one. My appetite and sleeping habits are off. For real though, what the fuck is going on with me? It’s kinda freaking me out that I’m being this way. Today I’m making more of the effort to snap myself out of this. I’m having a bit of a hard time pulling myself out. I just feel really lost and unsure as to where I belong. I feel a strong disconnect in social and professional aspects. The thing is absolutely nothing serious or bad happened to trigger all of this. So, what the fuck is wrong with me? I am really concerned with my current well being especially with what I’m feeling right now. It’s a bit difficult to really pin point the issue or if there even is one. Blah!!
My close girlfriend M was staying with me recently in Cali. During her last night at my place we were having some girl talk about guys and dating. We talked about exes and the guys that I used to date or “talk” to. It was interesting to reminisce, but at the same time it made me think “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. It does bother me to an extent as to why it never worked out with some of these guys. It does kinda make me feel as if I’m a failure when it comes to guys. I remember at that moment I had said to M I feel as though with all these bad apples in my basket, I’m not meant to be with a nice guy. I don’t say that in a “boo hoo, poor me” attitude, but it is what it is. I’ve dated different types of guys and have been open minded, but for whatever reason it never works out. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve kinda given up on trying to date again. M asked what I was looking for in a guy. I want an independent, funny, caring, smart, ambitious, etc. guy, but of course those are such generic descriptions to anyone’s wants in a guy.
M was telling me about an article that our friend N and her boyfriend read. It was filled with a list of questions to see how compatible you and your significant other are. M thought it’d be fun to ask me some of the questions and I didn’t mind either. I remember one of the questions she had asked was if it would be a deal breaker that my significant other was family oriented or not. Things along those lines. Then she asked me to complete the sentence to this: “If I had to share anything with my significant other, it would be ____________.” I said, everything and M gave me this corny smile and said “awww”. But it’s true that I would share everything with my significant other.
We were then discussing about how some girls that we know are with great guys, but they’re not much of a great catch themselves. They’re lazy, unattractive, pathetic, etc. I said to M that I’m not that bad looking, hard worker, independent, funny, etc etc, yet I’m still single. WHY?! I’m just having my moment where being single sucks right now. I just want someone that loves me more than I love them. A selfish desire, but it’s what I want. I’m used to taking care of others around me as well as myself and for once I just want to be taken care of. I’m a simple girl that doesn’t ask for much, but during single moments like this it seems as if I’m asking for the world. Sighs…
I’m still currently in Boston and my trip is close to coming an end after I go visit my parents. It’s been a very eventful yet hectic trip so far, but also quite interesting in its own ways as well. It all started with the day that I had arrived. I’ve been staying with my close girl M since I’ve arrived. There wasn’t really any plans for the day that I arrived besides myself trying to get some sleep from the brutal red eye flight and to work remotely. M had mentioned my friend T and his family is having a bbq. I haven’t seen T since I moved to Cali so I was totally up for seeing him. Turned out T’s older brother B that I never met was going to pick us up. I’ve known T for years, but oddly I’ve never met his brothers. Once B arrived, I immediately thought that he resembled T in so many ways. They look so much alike, voice is the same, but both different personalities. He was quite the gentlemen to open the car door for me. During the entire drive to their family’s house we chatted a lot. We definitely clicked right away.
Once we had arrived to B’s house, him and his family were very hospitable. Extremely nice family. I sat there quietly and B kept asking if I wanted something to drink and making sure that I was comfortable. We talked some more amongst ourselves until a couple more guests came by. Soon we headed inside and I grabbed a random seat. He was glad to sit next to me haha. We had a great round table discussion with everyone. Lots of serious along with lots of funny topics. It varied from talking about politics, sports, travels, and odd silly things haha. It was refreshing to sit with a group of people and talk freely about anything without it getting into an argument. Completely judgement free. That’s the shit I miss about Boston. Go to Cali and talk about majority of the shit we talked about and people get all butt hurt about it. Anyways, what had caught my eye the most was that during the various discussions that we were having, I noticed how B was very knowledgable about A LOT of things. Not in a sense of a “know it all” attitude, but more informative. I found it really attractive because of how smart he was. Plus, he knows how to speak and read Japanese very fluently for a Chinese guy after spending a few years in Japan. My mouth was drooling noticing how smart he was by the minute haha.
Soon B had to drive us back to M’s place. When we got into B’s car, I whispered to M that I thought he was cute right as he was walking around the car to get in haha. We had some more great conversations along the way home. He asked what my plans were for the remainder of my trip. I told him that I had wedding rehearsal and whatnot, which was mainly why I was even back in Boston. Long story short, I got his number and was planning to see him again soon lol. I was being really corny yet semi slick about it. After M and I walked inside I had joked around that my work was done for the day because I got his number haha. I’m really corny and joke around a bit if I’m attracted to you. I was telling another friend that knows T that I was “macking” on
The next day as I was working remotely and rushing to get out the door to my friend’s wedding rehearsal, M told me that B was in the area and was going to come by. I was excited to see him again, but I had 30 minutes before I had to get out the door to catch my train. We chatted for a bit before I had to leave. He asked me again what my plans were for the remainder of my trip and when or if I was going to return to M’s place. Again long story short, he offered to pick me up from my friend’s wedding the next day. I felt bad, but I didn’t mind seeing him again especially with the bits of wedding drama haha. After a chaotic day of bridesmaid duties, B arrived promptly at the time that I had told him to come. I felt kinda awkward for him to see me all dressed up. I’m very laid back in the way I dress and don’t really like to be all dolled up. Once again, a gentleman to open the car door for me. We chatted during the drive back to M’s until I realized that I forgot my purse. Clearly I was in a rush to leave and thought I had all of my belongings. Luckily when I called one of the bridesmaids, my purse was still there and we met up in downtown Boston. While we waited we got to talk more. Finally my purse arrived and we continued the drive back to M’s. I felt so embarrassed and bad that I forgot my purse, but B was really nice about it.
Comes the next day I was close to seeing B yet again lol. Unfortunately he got caught up with other things and wasn’t feeling well. I was kinda bummed that I didn’t get to see him but that’s okay. I spent the day catching up on the sleep that I’ve been deprived of since I’ve arrived in Boston. I had texted B about dinner plans the next day since it was my last day to see friends before I go off to my parents. He came by after his first day at his new job and I just felt kinda giddy haha. M had asked if I only wanted to grab dinner with just him or for M and her husband to join. I said for both M and the hubby to join us haha. When we had arrived to the restaurant, there was a small wait time. We waited outside and as I was standing next to B, stupid M took a picture of us lol. The stupid shit that my friends do to me. B had mentioned if I had any further free time he wanted to take me to this other restaurant. After he said that, M’s hubby kept trying to embarrass me in front of B by insisting that I go stay with B for the night lol. Fricken jackass lol. M took a photo of B and I since we sat next to each other and smiled at me afterwards. Damn these people are embarrassing. When we got back and B left, he had texted me saying he had fun and whatnot.
I know this is a lengthy post just about a guy, but it really has been awhile since I’ve found myself so sparked by someone. Am I anticipating something to happen between us? No. He’s still getting settled back in the US after life in Japan and I’m heavily focused on my career in Cali. Do I hope we stay in touch and get closer? Definitely. He’s very easy to talk to and it’s a comforting for me. I’m sure if you left us somewhere, we could chat it up for hours. Although I did find myself get shy here and there whenever he was teasing me about certain things. It was cute. For now it’s just a little crush, but it was nice to meet a new guy especially to see him as often as I did while I was back. I haven’t met anyone new in Cali for awhile since I’ve been in workaholic mode. Cali guys haven’t really caught my eye, but it was good to know there are still good guys left in Boston haha. It was just a very pleasant surprise during this trip to Boston. 🙂
This afternoon I went for an unexpected coffee date with a friend that I used to be close to. I was hoping to crank out work since I had a lot due today and a big part of me didn’t want to go. I told myself to just go and get it over with. I haven’t seen R in over a year. We’ve grown distant since my move to Cali due to her social circle. It’s caused a great shift in our friendship and pretty much nothing has been the same between us. It’s kinda sad because of our long history, but shit happens. I don’t see it much as a loss on my end for the decline in our friendship, if so it’s more than hers. Plus I had chosen to distance myself from her since she chose to surround herself with her “friends”.
Anyways, I arrived on time…only to fucking wait 25 minutes for her. Beyond rude. I was getting irritated because she was taking away my time to be productive doing work. I wasn’t that thrilled to see her anyways so the idea of just walking away didn’t really bother me, but I have manners. Finally she arrived and there was this awkward air between us. Not sure if it’s the fact that we haven’t seen each other in awhile or hardly speak, but it was a little uncomfortable. I was nice enough to buy her a cup of coffee even though I was briefly stood up. We found a seat and started off with the generic conversation starters of how are you and what have you been up to. The general topics you have to talk about before you dig deep into the real shit.
Finally we got down to it and discovered her social circle that she was heavily surrounded by is no longer existent. I honestly wanted to laugh in her fucking face and be like “told you so bitch!” lol. My instincts with people is generally on point and with those assholes, it was on point from day one that they were shitty people. As she was talking about them, she had mentioned how she’s grown bitter and I was trying to understand how so. But it was all so transparent. Even as we changed topics, I noticed how clear the film of bitterness has masked her. She definitely wasn’t the same person that I was once close with. I understand with time people will change for either the better or the worst. In her case it was the worst and it was sad to see this sweet, nice girl gone. Despite the distance that has wedged a gap into our friendship, somewhere deep down I still give a fuck. I was always there for her in the past and I actually genuinely cared about her. She was once someone I had considered to be a close friend. However today I really felt like I spoke to a different person that didn’t care about anything or anyone, but herself and sadly her pathetic boyfriend. It’s her own fault for who she has chosen to surround herself with which has clearly made a strong impact on who she is now.
Her pathetic boyfriend has a tendency to “appear”. Granted he’s not invited whenever I have made plans to meet up with her, but motherfucker is always just there. Seriously, bro? Hands down the biggest loser I’ve ever met in my life. I texted my girl C mentioning that I hope R’s boyfriend doesn’t show up. I totally jinxed myself there haha. While R and I were chatting, her pathetic boyfriend showed up. WTF?! lol. Do you seriously not have anything else better to do, but to be here? Fucking idiot and extremely rude. He was being nasty towards me for whatever reason. Not sure what his beef is with me, but you’re a guy so cut that bullshit out. It’s embarrassing for anyone especially a guy to act like that towards a girl. The moment he showed up and along with her bitter attitude I realized that her and I need to have a serious conversation. The caring side kicked in and plus none of this was cool. I was getting mad, but didn’t want to bring up anything in that moment. It wasn’t an appropriate time. I told myself I’d save this conversation for another time. I’m hoping to meet with her again soon to talk about this matter, but I wouldn’t doubt it if the bum shows up yet again. They’re just an embarrassing couple and my mind is just saying, “WTF?” lol.
For now it’s to be continued.
Derlee – Chao For Now
I don’t know if it’s because I’m 80% tired most of the time or what, but I feel slightly lost. For some odd reason I feel unsure as to where I belong. Most of this is due to the changes to my household back in the east coast. I feel like during my last trip home, the moment I got onto the plane to go back to Cali I feel as if I don’t deserve to ever come back because I don’t have a home anymore. There’s an amount of sadness that I’ve covered up by drowning myself in work because I feel as if I’ve lost my family. I feel very alone, disconnected and out of place. The desire to go home isn’t as strong as it used to be. I feel as though I’d have no place to go nor stay. I’m just a floater really. My conversations with my parents has decreased because I am actually busy with work but at the same time I have nothing to say to them. Any conversing with them only makes me feel worst and it shouldn’t. I love my parents unconditionally. I just need to accept the changes.
Last weekend while I was getting ready to go about my day, my close girlfriend L asked me to Facetime. It was nice catching up until the unexpected waterworks kicked in. I just cracked when we started talking about D. I feel a great deal of sadness for him. I don’t pity him for what he has to deal with. It just sucks that it has to be him. I constantly wish that things were they used to be, but obviously over a period of time a lot has changed between us. I imagine myself in his shoes and the way he has chosen to limit himself to certain things. It’s just unfortunate for anyone to go through what he’s going through. When L told me hopefully he’ll get better, I just cried more and thought what is he doesn’t? I worry about him a lot. For now, I can only continue being understanding and supportive as much as I wish I can have things my way.
I hate going to the doctors. It’s one of the things I dread the most. It’s just walking into a building full of bad news. During a recent visit I got quite a scare. It’s still stressing me out a little bit. There has been some improvements in my health, but you can never walk out of the doctor’s office without feeling sad. For what I had hoped to be a quick visit turned out that I had a few unexpected blood tests taken. When my appointment was over I looked like I got beaten up. My arm and wrist had a bruise. I had multiple bandaids on my arm, hand and finger. Talk about what the fuck. As soon as I got home I tried to sleep off the bits of bad news. My mind couldn’t switch gears into work mode. I proceeded with my remaining meetings for the day and tried to be engaged as possible. The moment those ended, I turned off my laptop. I haven’t really been myself since then. With the other things happening in my life, it has made me feel worst than I had already.
I stay hoping for the best with everything in my life. Life isn’t horrible. I’ve hit a bump and that’s all. There’s just so much for my mind to wrap around that I’ve gotten so lost trying to gather my thoughts. At this point, I just don’t want to think about anything anymore. I just want to relax, listen to some music and read my book.