Beyond Burnt Out

I’m officially burnt the fuck out. It’s great that I’m busy with work, but I’m extremely exhausted. The combination of my commute and staying late at the office is hitting me hard. This past month I’ve been staying at the office until 7-8PM. The other night I was at the office until 9PM and didn’t get home until 10AM…only to wake up at 6AM. I remember when I got home it was so hard for me to keep my eyes opened, but I forced myself to shower and head to bed. I’ve been skipping dinner, which is no bueno. The thought of having to hold a utensil to feed myself makes me feel tired enough as is. It’s a horrible habit. I would continue doing my work right now, but I’m forcing myself to take a break and to save it for tomorrow. I haven’t been replying to e-mails as promptly as I used to. I let one e-mail that I glimpsed at sit in my inbox for a couple of days only to realize my friend mentioned that she’ll be moving to South Africa the day I arrive back to Boston. WAKE UP!!! Clearly my tired eyes over looked that part of the already brief e-mail. I’ve been trying to catch up with friends the past two days. I’m just really tired. It was hard for my to really concentrate on my work today since I generally work from home on Fridays. Working from home isn’t the issue. I was just getting frustrated seeing the work load that I needed to clear off my plate. I forced myself to get out and to go to a cafe. I almost a break down borderline happening if I didn’t leave the house. Before I got into my car to go, I checked the mail and received a pleasant surprise. I got a little package from my friend in CT. She sent some makeup, a card and her baby shower invite. It was a really sweet gesture and was a great pick me up since I was borderline close to losing my shit lol. It made me feel a bit better and I continued on my way to the cafe.

My boss recently purchased some nice leather couches and an epic jaguar coffee table for our work space. I’ve been sitting on the couch during the evening to do work. But even more recently we’ve moved the couch to this one corner in our work space, which has now become a power nap area. My colleague and I both had naps in mind so we both took a nap on the couches while my boss played us Led Zeppelin lullabies on Spotify haha. It was actually quite relaxing. I am so glad we got those couches. Sometimes I just want to lay down and rest my eyes. My eyes spend a lot of time either staring at my laptop screen along with a big monitor at work or on the road. I feel like my eyes are getting dry and strained.

Starting to think I’m catching up a minor cold since I’m not getting enough rest, which I definitely cannot allow to happen right now. Hoping to crank out all of my work by end of day tomorrow so I can make up for the amount of sleep I’ve been deprived of. Right now I’m trying to figure out where to go for vacation. At this point it’s much needed. I need to disconnect from my work and laptop. I just want to relax, enjoy yummy food and do nothing but just chill. As for where I want to go, I’m not too sure. I don’t have a beach resort in mind since that’s not really my thing. I’ll figure something out. In the meantime, I really need to handle this work-life balance situation.


Year Two

Today marks my second year living in Cali. Has two years really flown by that I’ve moved here? It’s strange. I still feel like it’s my first year living here. Although my first year was a bit of a nightmare. I have to say year two has done me well. Of course over a period of time it takes things for the dust to settle. Looking back to where I was last year and now, there’s a big difference. I’m in a much better place emotionally than before. I remember how often I cried a year ago and it was very hard on me. Now I’m really enjoying the ride. I’m at a job where I’ve progressed in my career. I’ve accomplished what I wanted to in my career as well. Most importantly I’ve finally found a boss that respects me and values my opinions and for me to be a part of a team that works so cohesively together. That’s the most important thing to me. The paycheck is just a bonus. It’s an awesome feeling knowing how hard I’ve worked to be where I’m currently at.

Whenever I share my story about my move from Boston to Cali, the passion and determination that I have about my career, and to gradually rise to where I want to be people are impressed. I get complimented with being told how brave and ambitious I am. More importantly the respect I get for my hard work and the decisions I had to make to get to where I’m at. That has been very rewarding. I don’t fuck around with it comes to my work. My boss is well aware of it, too. I remember during my phone interview when I had shared with him the story about my move and how I legit up and left, he was ready to hire me because of what I did. It was nice to get applauded by my own boss for doing something scary yet fulfilling. My family and friends over the years has seen me succeed and struggle in my career. But for my current boss and awesome team that I work with to understand my passion and ambition is great. They’ve seen me get teary eyed when things went wrong, or when my ass is tired from the commute but still able to deliver great design and whatnot. When you can witness that side of me, you’ll get a better idea as to who I am. I pull through because I’m very strong willed and determined.

As for my social life, it has improved a bit. I’ve learned that friendships with Californians are practically non-existent. Why you ask? Because they’re all flakey as fuck and hold no loyalty to their friendships. I’m not about that. When I say I’m down for whatever, you best believe that I am. Plus I actually give a fuck about people that I consider my friends. Cali folks are just plain wack. No fucks given if you’re offended or not. It’s the truth. Anyways, it’s been nice reconnecting with my friend from Boston that also moved to Cali during the past couple of months. She understands a lot of the things I’ve dealt with, especially the people. It’s just nice to have someone here to exchange our experiences with each other. She’s exposed me to a few other Boston transplants that she knows, which has been great. I have an even better time with these people because we just understand each other.

Regardless of how long I decide to stay here, Cali will forever be a big transition to me. It’s still hard for me, but things has gotten better. Although my career goals has been accomplished, I hope other aspects of my life will improve as well. I can only hope for the better but all in all things will fall into its place itself. I haven’t forced anything to really happen in my life besides my career. Things aren’t the greatest to my standards, but it isn’t horrible. I’m somehow still on this journey and riding things out. Boston will forever be home to me and I will continue to consider this a long business trip. For now, I’m ready for what else is going to come my way.

Me Time

I’ve been extremely over worked this past week. One of my colleagues that I work closely with was on vacation this past week, so I basically had to take on his work load. Generally that’s not an issue, but since one of our other designers is no longer with us the pressure is on me to get the work done. This was a pretty hectic week since I’m bouncing back and forth between two big projects along with two colliding deadlines. My mind was screaming, “FUCK ME!!!” I spent the past week coming into the office at 8am and leaving at 7-8pm. Coming in and staying late wasn’t amongst the only tiresome part of it. My commute wore me out. I had no time to myself when I got home. I was picking up take out for dinner, which I try to keep it to a minimum. By the time after I showered and sit down, I’m borderline falling asleep with my untouched dinner on the side. I had to force myself to stay awake to eat my dinner. I wouldn’t allow myself to go to bed on an empty stomach. Came the next morning it was really hard to get myself out of bed and to beat the morning rush hour. I’d walk like a zombie into the office with my work bag and breakfast in hand to head towards my desk. My colleagues were laughing but concerned at my exhaustion. I had to give myself some time to settle in and wake up before I start cranking work away. Moments like this is where resources are in demand. I managed to deliver my colleague’s work, but fell short on the other project that I’m on. I kinda looked like an ass, but whatever. I made some progress on the work I had shown. Both project owners were understanding of this week’s situation anyways.

I plan on spending my Sunday cranking out some more work. I have a bit more of my colleague’s work left to do, but I need to redirect my focus on the other project. Before I go into crazy work mode this weekend, I legit didn’t do shit the rest of today after I sent off the deliverables. I just laid in bed for awhile, took care of some errands and to end my night I had a 2 hour workout. I feel good again to get a grip of that me time that I’ve missed out on this past week. I got extremely off track with my own life. I’m glad I took a step back today to get some of my own shit sorted out and back to hopefully my regular routine. Tomorrow I plan on going down to Santa Cruz after my workout in the morning. Going to just be a beach bum for most of the day, which I’m looking forward to. Plus, there’s a really good Hawaiian restaurant that serves yummy pokè. It’s about treating myself tomorrow. I work hard and bust my ass. This weekend is actually my girlfriend’s bachelorette getaway and I am a part of that bridal party. Unfortunately I couldn’t make it for several reasons. Although I’m glad I’m not going after dealing with such a hectic work week. The last thing I wanted to deal with was to get on a long flight to Miami, especially being so sleep deprived. No thanks! As much as I’d like to enjoy some beach time fun with the bridal party in Miami, I am very content and excited about my plans for tomorrow. I just want to be alone with some peace and quiet.

Pain in the Ass

My mind is really scattered and I’m just not in the mood to talk to anyone. It’s been nice leaving my phone on airplane mode sometimes when I really don’t want to talk to anyone. Perhaps it was the total lack of sleep last night that’s left me feeling bitchy today. I did get one hour of sleep and was extremely unproductive today. No bueno! Only productive thing I did was go to the gym in hopes that I’ll come home rejuvenated to do some work. NOPE. I was on the treadmill and one ear bud away from blocking out anyone until this personal trainer came up to me. MOTHERFUCKER!! Can’t you see I’m trying to get my run on?! The annoying fuck face was telling me about a class and I just gave this bitch look but tried my best to politely decline. I am absolutely horrible at hiding my emotions, so my angry face was written all over. Motherfucker kept talking to me to get me to join the class that was happening in a few minutes. I’m like “Listen! I’m trying to get a run in and get the fuck out.” The persistent motherfucker went on and gave me a card. I crumpled that shit and immediately started running really fast. I was annoyed and mad that he wouldn’t go away. I get it that’s part of his job, but leave a girl alone. Damn. That’s my biggest gym peeve. Just leave me alone and don’t talk to me. I was close to running outside tonight, but changed my mind last minute. Perhaps I really should’ve opted for the latter.

As soon as I got home I jumped in the shower to try to destress a little bit. No matter how hard I worked out tonight, it just takes something so small like that personal trainer approaching me to throw my day off. Petty, I know. I just have my moments where I want absolute silence and then there are moments I’m friendly as fuck. I just mainly been wanting to relax and to chill out. Is that too much to ask for? Last Thursday my team and I had an offsite at Golden Gate Park in SF. I’ll probably write an in depth post on that outing. Anyways, it was nice to get out of the office that day and to linger around SF Botanical Garden. However, we were together legit from 9AM-9PM. I had an amazing time and it was a great day, but that’s a little too much bonding for my liking. I like my space and somewhere in the day where I can just put on my headphones and chill. It’s just how I am. The more you get in my space and in my face, I crave for more of my own personal time. It’s normal though.

I have this pain in the ass lower back pain. No pun intended. This lower back pain has been part of the reason as to why I can’t sleep well. It sucks!!! Over the weekend I had purchased a Groupon deal to get a massage. I’ve never got a massage before because I get really weirded out at the thought of a stranger touching me. I don’t care if it’s a male or female. I just get extremely uncomfortable. I had told myself to just get over it and to go forward with the massage. I called and made an appointment…only to cancel 10 minutes before my scheduled appointment. Maybe this weekend I’ll give it a go. I know for sure I’ll have to make use out of it before it expires. Can’t let that money go to waste.

Both on Saturday and Sunday I decided to have an impromptu picnic at the rose garden here in SJ. It’s one of my favorite chill spots here. There’s a small Italian market down the street where I ordered a sandwich to go. Brought it with me to the park along with the Haruki Murakami book  (What I Talk About When I Talk About Running) that I was close to finishing up. It was just an overall nice day out to be outside and enjoy myself. After digesting the sandwich and finishing my book, I felt so relaxed just laying on the blanket and my feet touching the grass. The next day after I had cancelled my massage, I decided to do the same thing after I spend some time at my usual Sunday spot in downtown SJ. This time I practically had dinner at the park and bought another Haruki Murakami book at this local used bookstore close by as well. It was yet another relaxing day at the park. I went home feeling good and ready to take on the upcoming work week.

Today was a total bust with work. I didn’t do shit and was glad one of my meetings got cancelled. Hopefully tomorrow and the rest of the week I’ll get it together. I just feel like people have been in my face this week and I just want people to back the fuck up out of my space. A girl just wants to breathe for crying out loud! For now I’m enjoying the rest of my night listening to some chill hip hop. I plan on waking up at 5AM to meditate before work in case I still feel like a total bitch lol. Tomorrow will be a better day.