It’s never good to go to bed angry or upset, but tonight I am. I spoke to my mom tonight and we came across the discussion of how her recent visit to the doctor’s went. Long story short, she needs to start exercising. She was being stubborn and laughing it off while feeding me bullshit excuses. I started getting really mad after I tried to encourage her and tell her how important it is. But nothing I said mattered which really upset me the most. She even quickly hung up on the phone with me because she didn’t want to continue the conversation. I want the best for my mom or for anyone in my life. I know with old age comes health issues, but I don’t want her to deteriorate so quickly. That really breaks my heart and I wish she took this more seriously.
I’m sad and frustrated about my mom, but I’m really mad at myself. I’m mad that I’m so far away and can’t be there to take care of my parents. When moments like these occur, I go into a mode of where I just think so negatively about myself for moving here. I gave up everything for my career. I know I can’t be there for my family or friends like I used to and that upsets me even more. I love taking care of everyone around me and for them to be okay, even if I’m not. I used to put all of these people ahead of me while I put my life on pause because I want to help and protect everyone. It’s something that I need to learn how to balance and to overcome the guilt.
I just want my mom to be okay and to live as long as possible.