I don’t know what’s my issue. I’ve noticed I’m in this funk again. I’ve been relatively lethargic and unproductive. I find myself just in bed a lot only to fall back asleep after I’m awake for a brief moment. A part of me just doesn’t care to pull myself out of it. The other part of me is asking myself “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. So tonight I dragged myself out to dinner. It was nice to have the restaurant to myself as I enjoyed my beer and ramen. Alcohol is just a temporary bandaid for your problems.
Perhaps the fears I have about my job is kicking into overdrive and I don’t know how to handle it that I just want to hide away in my room and under the covers. That lack of stability and uncertainty is getting to me. Perhaps it’s also seeing everyone around me settle down with their significant other in their lives. It’s hard for me to see and I understand that I’m at a different point in my life compared to them. It makes me wonder when things will fall into place for myself. How much longer will things take to be picture perfect, if ever? My mind is overwhelmed and I’m not sure what to feel anymore. All I want is peace and quiet. The peace and quiet I wanted didn’t last long.
I had gone out over the weekend with a friend from Boston that lives in the South Bay. We had made these plans well in advance so I couldn’t/didn’t want to bail. We went out to the club which is a place I haven’t been to in quite a while but I thought why not. We both wanted to just dress up and dance around just like how we used to in Boston. It felt really weird to get all dolled up for the club. After I got done getting ready I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a different person. I was looking at the old me. Despite pounding many shots and dancing it all off, I had this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and it was nice. Once again, alcohol is a temporary bandaid.
This is just a phase that I’ll snap myself out of.