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Monthly Archives: June 2015

There’s been so many changes lately and I’m still trying to digest it all. My mind is very scattered and I’m totally out of it. With all the major changes at work along with my health, I realized I need to be much more disciplined like how I used to be. Prior to the chaos at work, my mind was already drifting and I need to get it together. My boss has decided that our team is going to have an offsite this upcoming week. Location is still unclear, but I’m assuming we’ll go to Golden Gate Park and get away from the office for the day. I think it’s much needed for all of us. My boss had proposed a couple questions for us to think about before we meet and discuss. The three questions has been weighing pretty heavy on my mind as I want my team and myself to continue to collaborate and produce great work. They’re such simple but major questions that I need to answer carefully. I’m trying to figure it all out, but I know we’ll get it together. Main goal is for us to get on the same page as to what we want to accomplish as a team. I worry a lot about the future of the team, but for now I know we’re in a good place at the company. I am proud for how far the team has built a very strong reputation in the company where we now have leverage. But as my boss said to me, it’s like playing chess and we can make any move that we want as long as we’re careful and thoughtful about our move.

Today I went to my usual coffee spot on Sundays to read. It’s actually been awhile since I’ve been to my spot and I’m glad I went. I’ve been reading ‘What I Talk About When I Talk About Running’ by my favorite author Haruki Murakami. It was ironic that when I started reading the book, I had started running again. It’s a nice insight as to how Murakami’s writing career and habit of running coincide together. I apply my recent sparks for running and my career as a designer together. While I continued to sit there reading away, I realized how important during this time in my life I have to be heads down in my career and health as well. There was this one part in the book where Murakami mentioned about important focus and endurance as not only as a runner, but as a writer, too. That really struck a chord with me. I need to regain focus on things. I’m really caught up in my emotions with the changes inside and outside the office. I can’t let that affect me so much.

Here’s a quote that I really liked:

“I’m struck by how, except when you’re young, you really need to prioritize in life, figuring out in what order you should divide up your time and energy. If you don’t get that sort of system set by a certain age, you’ll lack focus and your life will be out of balance.”

Such simple words gave me a little wake up call. It’s much pretty much applying to everything that is happening in my life. I’m at an emotional point in my life, but regardless I need to really get it together and use my time wisely.

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Yesterday my team threw a farewell party for one of my colleague’s who will no longer be a part of the team. Despite all the sad news earlier in the week with what’s happening in the company, we still had to do something for him. My boss had asked what we should do for the party. Somehow we decided to get uni and have whiskey haha. It also turned into a Japanese themed party. My boss had removed these Indian movie posters we had hanging and replaced them with these Japanese prints, which were awesome. One of my colleague’s has this newfound connection in getting freshly caught uni so he made arrangements in getting that. Cool part was they prepared it and delivered it to our office. Best thing ever! The night before I was sent to the Asian market to pick up some quail eggs, ponzu sauce, scallions and lots of Japanese snacks. I picked up a bunch of roasted seaweed snacks and crackers.

Also, the day before the party my boss had asked me to put together a poster (kinda sorta) for the event. I’m the go to person that designs a poster for when our team has an event and they’re generally these bright, playful and very funny posters that I put together in less than 5 minutes haha. Although this time required even less effort. I basically had to print out this ninja looking character that my colleague had designed. He only wanted that character printed and nothing else said on the flyer. The only thing that’s on the poster besides the character is ‘Destructive Action Modal’, which is related to some design stuff we did. We didn’t want to draw attention that it’s a farewell party on it and thought it would be funny to confuse people. That was a bad idea lol. As we were about to set up the party, my boss came up to me and told me HR spoke to him. I instantly thought, “oh shit, what did I do?” lol. I guess some people in the company reported the poster to HR and thought something bad was going to happen at the company. Some apparently even Googled the ninja character who also had Japanese writing on the belt. Long story short, people looked too much into it and freaked out especially during this sensitive time in the company. HR had asked my boss who did the poster and he said our team did and went into explaining what it was about. HR laughed and we got off the hook. Later during the party my boss had said to me that he was glad that we got in trouble with HR and I agreed. Our team is definitely the trouble makers in the company, but what fun is there if there isn’t someone like that in the company? We laughed it off and high fived each other lol. Best boss ever!

So while other people started to join the party, my colleague was preparing these uni shooters. Everyone was forced to have one, which they all ended up loving. That uni shooter was delicious and extremely fresh. I’m so glad we decided to get the uni. It was fun to see people’s reaction eating it since it was a few people’s first time trying it. There were lots of laughs and great conversation happening throughout the night. There were even some dancing on desks happening haha. It was a lot of fun and we didn’t leave the office until 9PM. When I had got home, my boss texted me and thanked me for helping with providing the snacks and helping out, which was nice of him. Despite the sad news in the company and a lost of a colleague on my team, it was really nice to get our minds off of the bad and to come together to have a great time. I love my boss and team so much and will be forever grateful to be a part of a team full of amazing and talented people.

Apparently a lot has changed during the one week span that I was away. I had planned to go into the office yesterday, but I was so exhausted from traveling and needed to catch up on sleep that I decided to work remotely instead. Yesterday I had learned that a colleague on my team is resigning after 10 years to pursue another exciting opportunity. Another member on my team’s contract won’t be getting extended. It’ll be both of their last week at the company. When I discovered this news during our daily design meetings, I was surprised and sad. Today was my first day back in the office ever since my trip to Boston. I was happy to see my team, but the happiness didn’t last long. As soon as I checked my e-mail I saw the news about organizational changes. There’s a lot of people at my company that has been there for nearly 20 years and they’re all really great, smart folks. One of the biggest changes that has affected me the most is one of the executives leaving the company. He has been extremely supportive in anything my boss has done and has always believed and pushed for our team to succeed. My team has succeeded over time and now have leverage in what we can do in the company, but it won’t be the same without him. He was someone that understood design and the vision we’ve been pushing for. It’s very rare to come across someone like him. He’ll have a lot of big shoes to fill. Despite my distant relationship with him, he had supported me behind the scenes and I couldn’t be grateful enough. I had sent him an e-mail wishing him well and thanking him for believing in our team. Throughout the day, I learned of several more executives names that won’t be a part of the company any longer. It just made me feel even more sad. The company is losing a lot of great people, but I guess it is time to make room for the newer generation to lead the company. I’m trying my best to keep my morale up as high as possible for the sake of my team and especially my boss. It was just an overall sad day in the office.

I’m currently back in the east coast visiting my parents. This was an unexpected and quick trip for me. I didn’t really inform any of my friends since I planned on devoting a lot of my time to my parents. The last time I had came back to visit I was drifting in all different directions to make time for friends and of course for my parents. But I just really wanted to give them all of my time and attention when I came back. However I did have to crash at a close friend’s place since I felt like I was on the never ending plane ride. I had two long layovers, bounced from 3 planes and the last thing that I wanted to do was to get on an hour long bus ride from the airport to my parents.

It was nice to have a break to linger around Boston by myself for a bit before my friend got home for me to rest. First thing I realized was how much I do NOT miss the humidity. I’d much rather come back when it’s the fall or winter. I’ve gotten too use to that dry heat in the west coast. I headed straight to Chinatown once I got out of the airport. I took a little stroll and was just kind of taking everything in. I found it hard to believe I was here in the old stomping grounds. I was reminiscing a lot and felt very overwhelmed with emotions. This trip was definitely much needed and I was glad I came back. I gradually made way to my favorite childhood hole in the wall joint: Wai Wai!! Haha. If you don’t know about Wai Wai then you’re missing out. It’s hands down the most BOMB rice plate I’ve had since I was little. My dad used to get me a rice plate to go and we’d go to the barber shop next door so he can get his cut and chill with his friends. Anyways, I immediately knew what to get. I got the chicken with scallion ginger sauce, which is what they’re mostly known for and I also got roasted duck and roasted pork. I must’ve been really hungry because I inhaled all of that food so quickly. The same lady that has run the place for years is usually known to be a little mean and standoffish, but towards the end of my meal and after I paid she actually smiled at me and said thank you lol. I was taken back by that.

After my meal I decided to check out Cafe Nero since it was just down the street in Downtown Boston. I needed fresh air, coffee and I had to check my work e-mail since I did tell my boss that I was going to be working remotely. I ordered a vanilla latte and found a seat outside. I was really hoping to be a bit incognito during my visit to Boston, but that didn’t last long. I ran into a familiar face and did some quick catching up. So much for not having anyone know that I was back in town. Boston is really too small for its own good haha. I had to end the conversation with my friend since my close friend told me she was home from work. I was ready to just drop off my luggage and lay down. Plus, the vanilla latte was shitty so I was ready to leave Cafe Nero ASAP! I was so happy to enjoy the air conditioning on the train. I felt so gross from flying and the damn humidity. During the train ride to my friend’s place, I felt so relaxed. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on public transportation since living in Cali has made me heavily dependent on my car. That’s just the major downside of living in Cali.

When I arrived to my friend’s, I had freshened up and we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Prior to my trip home I wanted to see what exhibits were currently up at the MFA. I was extremely excited to see the Hokusai exhibit at the MFA and included that as a part of my agenda. My friend lives close by so it wasn’t like it was out of my way especially staying at her place. I’ll have to write another post on that exhibit since I took lots of photos, but if you’re in the Boston area I highly suggest it. It was such a beautiful exhibit. After all of that museum fun, I finally got to lay down and relax before another friend would meet up with us for dinner. I had requested that we eat hot pot for dinner, but I was bummed out that we didn’t get to go to where I wanted to, which was okay. They had taken me to this relatively new hot pot restaurant called Asiana Sushi Shabu. They basically serve all you can eat hot pot and sushi. I passed on the sushi since I do prefer the sushi in Cali better than Boston. This place just reminded me of an upgraded version of Hot Pot Buffet in Chinatown. It was alright, but I definitely left feeling stuffed. It was really nice to see my friends before I went off to my parents the next day.

The next morning I was Cape Cod bound and damn I was extremely tired. It was not fun being squished in the train during the morning rush hour, but I oddly once again I do miss public transportation and those little things that comes along with it. As soon as I reached my destination, my dad had picked me up from the bus station. The old man was just too excited to see me, but I am daddy’s little girl after all haha. Prior to my bus ride I had made a stop to Chinatown to pick up from buns for my parents and their employees. Figured they’d want something to go with their morning coffee. My dad and I made a pit stop to their business, where I was not only able to drop off the baked goods, but I got to see my mom as well. I gave her a big hug when I saw her. I felt really safe again to have my mom’s arms around me and it was nice. Throughout my trip here it wasn’t that exciting. I mainly worked remotely, spent time with my parents and stayed home since I was carless. When I got to my parents house I was welcomed by a big pot of tong yuen, which is basically this Chinese dough ball soup. My mom throws in some mushrooms, Chinese sausage, daikon, cilantro and her homemade shrimp balls. I definitely miss mom’s home cooking!! I enjoyed sitting down at the dinner table with my parents. Since my parents live in Cape Cod and there’s an abundance of seafood in the community, my mom cooked up some freshly caught local clams and lobster. It was fricken AMAZING!!! After dinner I’d either join my mom or dad in our little one on one hangout. One night I was laying in bed with my mom watching these video blogs on Youtube. She enjoys watching the SacconeJolys as much as I do and that has now become our thing. Another night I was helping my dad in the garage with a new shelf he built. The next night I watched him do his nightly routine of playing the erhu while he listens to Chinese opera. These little moments meant a lot to me and it was very comforting.

Ever since last night while I was watching my dad play his erhu I got really sad. I knew my time would go by so fast as if I was never here. I’ve just been in this funk all day because this is the last time I’ll be in this household where it’s just myself and my parents. I also have lunch plans with friends tomorrow before I go to the airport and I know I’m going to be a cry baby. I was hesitant on following through with the lunch plans with my friends because I’m horrible at saying goodbye. I know the moment I see them up until the moment we hug and part ways, the waterworks is going to kick into overdrive. Whenever my parents or friends hug me, I get so sad because I feel like they’re all protecting and comforting me. I’m very lonely in Cali and to come back to Boston to an abundance of open arms and good people in my life is hard to leave. I know the last time when I had left and got onto the bus to head to the airport, I legit cried from the moment I got onto the bus and all the way back to Cali. That’s how upset I was. I can sense it happening already. I would prefer not to see anyone on the morning I leave to the airport just to make leaving a lot easier on me. This is how I’ll always be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just love this city so much along with all of my family and friends here. I know the moment I get back to Cali I’ll be really homesick and in a funk. I’ve already braced myself for this. Hopefully one day I’ll overcome this and get better at saying goodbye. For now I don’t mind being the big cry baby amongst my group of friends. They’re all too good to me and I wish I can take them all with me.

It’s never good to go to bed angry or upset, but tonight I am. I spoke to my mom tonight and we came across the discussion of how her recent visit to the doctor’s went. Long story short, she needs to start exercising. She was being stubborn and laughing it off while feeding me bullshit excuses. I started getting really mad after I tried to encourage her and tell her how important it is. But nothing I said mattered which really upset me the most. She even quickly hung up on the phone with me because she didn’t want to continue the conversation. I want the best for my mom or for anyone in my life. I know with old age comes health issues, but I don’t want her to deteriorate so quickly. That really breaks my heart and I wish she took this more seriously.

I’m sad and frustrated about my mom, but I’m really mad at myself. I’m mad that I’m so far away and can’t be there to take care of my parents. When moments like these occur, I go into a mode of where I just think so negatively about myself for moving here. I gave up everything for my career. I know I can’t be there for my family or friends like I used to and that upsets me even more. I love taking care of everyone around me and for them to be okay, even if I’m not. I used to put all of these people ahead of me while I put my life on pause because I want to help and protect everyone. It’s something that I need to learn how to balance and to overcome the guilt.

I just want my mom to be okay and to live as long as possible.

Despite the stress I’ve been dealing with, in this short amount of time things has gotten better. Earlier in the week I had received great news from my boss about my job, which has made me feel more at ease. I had received an update from my boss a week prior about my job status and I was semi relieved, but you never know what’s going to happen. So when he had delivered the positive news, he high fived me and I gave him a big hug. I was so overwhelmed and happy that I was close to crying, but I told him I won’t since I was about to have a meeting. I felt really great about everything again. The lingering uncertainty that has weighed so heavy on me the past couple of months is finally gone. Now I have to hope that towards the end of the year, that things will continue to look up again. I was excited and shared some of the news with some people on my team, but my boss had already shared the news with the rest. It was really rewarding to hear kind words from my colleagues and I just absolutely love how supportive we are of each other. I am very lucky to be at the job I’m at and doing what I love. I remember a couple days before receiving the good news, I spoke with a close girlfriend of mines and told her if my boss can pull through for me, then I’m going to buy him a nice bottle of Japanese whisky…again. Looks like I’ll have to make a trip to the liquor store this week.

In a previous post I had mentioned about flying back to Boston for my dad’s 60th birthday, but mainly couldn’t go because of the timing and things happening at work. As my way of celebrating the great news at work and to make up for my dad’s birthday, I booked tickets home the next day after the good news. Plus the timing for me to visit home works out since most of the company will be away in Las Vegas for this big conference we’ve been working on. It means it’ll be quiet around the office and I had planned on working from home anyways. I figured that I might as well work remotely in Boston. I’m really excited. The moment I purchased the tickets, I called my mom immediately to share the news with her. We’ve agreed to keep this upcoming trip of mines as a surprise for my dad. So it’s been quite hard having to bite my tongue since we tell each other everything. Plus I only want to use this time while I’m home to spend time with only them. It’ll kind of be our last time spending time together with just us. I haven’t really told any of my friends back home that I’ll be coming back just because I want to use this time to be with my parents. I don’t want a holiday to be the reason as for me to come visit. Plus, during my next trip to Boston I won’t have time to see them anyways.

I’ve known for quite some time that my mom’s niece and her children from Brazil will be moving into my parent’s household for personal reasons. I’m glad that there will be more company in the house, but at the same time I’m really sad about it. I realized that their home is officially no longer mines. I won’t have a room anymore and while I’m back I still have to clear several of my belongings that I couldn’t bring with me when I moved to Cali. It’s very bittersweet, but it sucks. This was bound to happen anyways. Cali is will never be considered home to me, but I feel a bit conflicted as to where my home really is anymore. That’s another story in itself, but I’m just looking forward to spending quality time with them. Definitely looking forward to my mom’s home cooking!

It’s been pretty hot here in SJ this past weekend and I really wanted to go to the beach. I had plans yesterday so I couldn’t go and today I just didn’t want to deal with the weekend beach crowd. I have plenty of accrued PTO to use, so might as well take advantage of it. I sent my boss an e-mail this afternoon telling him I’ll be offline tomorrow. I’m planning to drive down to Santa Cruz and getting my tanning on. I’m pretty excited to have a beach day just by myself. I need to do this for myself since I’ve been struggling with relaxing and trying to destress. I’ve already looked up which beach to go to, where to grab lunch and whatnot. I have to pick up some beach accessories tomorrow morning before my drive. Looking forward to putting into use of the RVCA bathing suits I got from the warehouse sale when I was down in Orange County two months ago. Also, I’ll have a fun design event to check out tomorrow as well. Many things to look forward to tomorrow and the upcoming week!

I’m just very grateful for how things are turning out and it just feels good to be in a better place.

I don’t know what’s my issue. I’ve noticed I’m in this funk again. I’ve been relatively lethargic and unproductive. I find myself just in bed a lot only to fall back asleep after I’m awake for a brief moment. A part of me just doesn’t care to pull myself out of it. The other part of me is asking myself “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. So tonight I dragged myself out to dinner. It was nice to have the restaurant to myself as I enjoyed my beer and ramen. Alcohol is just a temporary bandaid for your problems.

Perhaps the fears I have about my job is kicking into overdrive and I don’t know how to handle it that I just want to hide away in my room and under the covers. That lack of stability and uncertainty is getting to me. Perhaps it’s also seeing everyone around me settle down with their significant other in their lives. It’s hard for me to see and I understand that I’m at a different point in my life compared to them. It makes me wonder when things will fall into place for myself. How much longer will things take to be picture perfect, if ever? My mind is overwhelmed and I’m not sure what to feel anymore. All I want is peace and quiet. The peace and quiet I wanted didn’t last long.

I had gone out over the weekend with a friend from Boston that lives in the South Bay. We had made these plans well in advance so I couldn’t/didn’t want to bail. We went out to the club which is a place I haven’t been to in quite a while but I thought why not. We both wanted to just dress up and dance around just like how we used to in Boston. It felt really weird to get all dolled up for the club. After I got done getting ready I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a different person. I was looking at the old me. Despite pounding many shots and dancing it all off, I had this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and it was nice. Once again, alcohol is a temporary bandaid.

This is just a phase that I’ll snap myself out of.