Today I’ve been in a total funk. Not sure if this ever occurs to anyone, but does anyone else ever get the vibe that something bad is going to happen? Well nothing serious happened, but my mom told me some really last minute news that the upcoming weekend will be my dad’s 60th birthday. I’ve been thinking about it for months to fly him out to Cali for his birthday, but we’ve all been so busy and I lost track of things. I felt really sad because I won’t be there for his 60th. As I’m laying here in bed, I was browsing at flights to visit home and treat him out for a belated birthday. The thing is the time that I want to go might not work out and it’s going to be really stressful for me in the next upcoming weeks with work. Do I stay behind and continue fulfilling my responsibilities here or do I just say fuck it and return home for my dad? I feel really mad at myself if I don’t come home for him. My dad is my best friend and I can imagine how he feels already knowing that’s it another birthday without his only daughter around. I feel absolutely horrible. These are one of the moments where I wish I wasn’t as heads down as I am with my work and really took notice. I’m being very hard on myself because I’ve chosen to be so consumed by my work and to get ahead in my career that I haven’t really taken the second to acknowledge my loved ones as much. He’s my dad and I know if I don’t come home, he’ll understand but I don’t want him to settle with that reason. I’ve already had to bail on a couple of events for close friends back home, but this is my dad and that’s the difference. I don’t want to make any quick decisions in booking a flight right at this moment just because I’m deep in my feelings. I’ll figure something out.
Ever since my SoCal trip I’ve been kinda hit with some homesickness. It tends to happen after I hang out with close friends when they visit here and then they leave. Whenever they leave I get so sad and a bit scared because I feel so lonely and unprotected again. I don’t know why that moment of when I first moved here and when my “friend’s” shitty friends were so horrible and nasty me comes to mind. I get so scared that something like that will happen to me again. I’ve dealt with shitty people before and I can hold my own, but just that level of nastiness by that group has left a big scar on me. I tend to usually cry when I hug my friends goodbye because I’m scared of ever being in that type of situation again. It gives me a little anxiety when I think about it. I know it’ll hit me hard again since I have two close friends visiting back to back pretty soon. I’m excited to see them, but I hate saying goodbye.
Yesterday I went to Oakland to visit my former colleague, D’s new home. She was actually my neighbor here in SJ and we’ve kept in touch. We haven’t hung out as much ever since she left my company and bought a house. Her new home and job has kept her busy and I’ve been busy with work as well. When I got to her house I slowly realized she was drunk lol. This chick was drinking straight up tequila. She was doing quite a bit of drinking since another friend came to visit her new home right before I got there. We were chatting a lot about my company, my team and my boss. D asked me for updates about my team and things about the company. I reported back with semi good news. Then she started talking about my boss. He’s an amazing guy and awesome boss. There aren’t enough words to describe how great he is not only as a boss but as an overall person. My boss had tried to help D a lot when she was still working at my current company. He’s a very supportive guy and will do anything to help you out. At a point D just felt like she had to leave the company and she did. She was drunk and pouring out her feelings about how she feels horrible for leaving my company after all the help my boss had offered. Of course I tried to comfort her so she wouldn’t get bogged down in the drunken yet sober guilt that’s been weighing on her. She spilled some more tea and told me how my boss really has my back. Despite her drunkenness, I sometimes believe that drunken words are sober thoughts. She gave me an even bigger insight of how respectful and loyal my boss is towards me. I felt very flattered and as I’ve even said to him, forever grateful.
On another note, D (not my former colleague/friend that I was just mentioned) has been on my mind a lot and I don’t know why. It’s weird. Like today when I was out at my usual Sunday spot, I swear I thought I saw him but I disregarded it and had to focus on my work. I do wonder how he is quite often and hoping he is okay. I feel for him and the issues that he’s dealing with. It sucks that as much as you want to try to comfort and really be there for someone, I don’t feel like I’m physically able to do that since he hasn’t opened that door for me. Well the door is slightly cracked since he shares tidbits about his issues and that’s totally fine with me. I’m not one to pry information from anyone and I’m glad he can share some things than nothing with me. I care about him and I just want him to be okay. It does however make me sad knowing how much has changed between us, but it was bound to happen with having all that time past us. I remember how sweet things were when we first met and how we were always talking to each other. It’s all those little things. The last time we had seen and spent time together always replays in my mind. I guess a big part of me wants that moment to happen again. A few weeks ago I had 3 dreams about him in one night. The next day he had texted me and I decided to share with him the dreams I had about him because it felt so real. I woke up feeling confused because I felt as if I relived that last time I had seen him. It was so strange. I know I was the last girl he talked to and isn’t ready for a relationship right now, but that’s okay and I don’t mind starting over again as friends. It kinda sucks and I really wish I can turn back time to where things used to be. Perhaps he crosses my mind so often since we click so well and there’s something about him that I find so comforting. Who knows?
Anyways, I have a ton of work to cater to in the morning and need to sleep. My mind is overfilled with many thoughts. Some personal, but the rest is work related. Good night.
Tomorrow will be a better day.