Recently I’ve noticed how engaged I am in my work and anything related to my career. I am constantly trying to stimulate my mind with anything user experience design related. I love trying to absorb as much information that I can and sharing out things I find with my team. I am fascinated by the things that I find and with the more I find, the more I can’t help but to search for more. When I find articles or design resources during my own personal time, it doesn’t feel like a chore for me to do it. I haven’t felt this involved in my career…ever. It’s a very rewarding feeling. Not many of my friends can relate to how I feel. I feel most of my friends are at a fork in the road with their careers and it’s okay. It’s common for people to feel like that, but I’ve just never felt like that. I can’t relate to them when they vent about their jobs. When I listen to them I try to put myself in their shoes and compare their experience with mines and it really just can’t even compare. I do get stressed out from my job from time to time and that’s normal, too. Oddly it’s a good stress. I probably feel frustrated about trying to solve an issue or I’m stumped about it. Regardless of what the problem is I feel determined to figure it out. I like the challenge and it’s very motivating.
I love my work so much that it’s hard for me to stay away from it as stressful and exhausted that I can get. Sometimes I’m working on the weekends, which is fine with me. Something that my friends probably won’t understand is that this momentum I have happening with my career needs to continue for as long as it can. My situation with my job is unclear at this point. Despite whatever happens I have to continue moving and not be slowed down. It does freak me out since there is so much uncertainty. I don’t really talk about it amongst my friends since it’s a sensitive subject to me. I don’t want to answer their questions nor talk about it. It will only distract me from continuing to do the positive things with my work. I won’t allow myself to get lost and caught up in the negative aspects for what might happen in the near future. I can only stay as focused as I can. This moment in my life is extremely important to me. It took me a few years to build my career up to this point and I will not allow it to fall. It has always been more than just a job or a paycheck. It’s not even about that at all. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and worked for in my life that it’s become something so precious to me. When bad things happen in my career, I do get extremely sensitive and emotional about it. I’ve babied the shit out of it and if something goes wrong, I feel like I’m a bad “parent” to my “child”.
Like I’ve said to previous employers and even my current one, it’s great to be able to do something that I love for work and to get paid is just a bonus. I wish more people can adapt this mentality without getting so caught up in the salary and benefits. It’s very hard to come across people that are humble about their shit. I feel like that’s why some of my friends are unhappy with their jobs. I see how people try to mask their dislike for their jobs with traveling and whatnot. I’ve just never been like that. I think people need to really take advantage of the resources that’s out there and to further their knowledge whether it sparks an interest to them or not. There is just so much valuable knowledge out there and it’s a shame as well as a waste to not take advantage of it. So far I feel like my team can understand this mindset that I have for design. They’ve struggled and succeeded as they’ve progressed in their career. Not saying it’s only a designers “thing” to understand, but sometimes it feels like it. It’s nice to share the same passion with some likeminded folks though. I’ve just grown to be very disciplined in what I do and there’s nothing wrong with that.
A couple years ago I started running. I got sick of my gym routine since I was being cautious of my bad knee. I had injured my knee from when I used to play field hockey in middle school. If I ran for 10 minutes my knee would hurt and I’d be limping. It sucked. One day I just said fuck it and hopped on the treadmill. I went from dragging my ass to get in at least a mile to running 3 miles at ease. I remember how great I felt. It was a phase where a few of my friends had started to get into running and were signing up for 5K’s and whatnot. I was excited to join them and to accomplish one…until I really fucked up my ankle and sprained it really bad. That injury still makes me really frustrated. I haven’t really tried to run ever since that incident. I went through this phase where I was extremely mad at myself, embarrassed, and unhappy. I understand that shit happens and accidents do occur, but somewhere in my mind I felt like I could’ve been more cautious to have prevented it. When I did try to run again, my ankle felt like shit because it didn’t heal properly. This caused me to be even more frustrated with myself. Back onto the damn bicycle I went. I got into cycling for a bit. I was cycling 12-15 miles 4-6 times a week. As much as I enjoyed it, I didn’t get the same feeling as I did when I ran.
One of my close girlfriends who was never a runner has been a big inspiration to me. I’ve seen her dread the thought of running even a mile to doing half marathons and now preparing to run the Boston Marathon. I respect her (and all the other participants) a lot for doing that run since it’s a really tough marathon. 26.2 miles makes me cringe. At most I can fathom the thought of doing 6 miles. Her and I have been trying to motivate each other as she’s training for this marathon and I’m trying to get fit in general as well as to get in shape for my other close friend’s wedding in a few months. I’ve noticed how much stress was really affecting my health. Trust me, it’s not a good look and I felt like shit. I feel as though I’ve grown suddenly self conscious of my body and I really shouldn’t. Besides the unnecessary and negative emotions, it’s nice to be a part of this “journey” with my close friend where we can motivate each other.
Since work has somewhat quieted down or more like me trying to get a better grip of my schedule, I started running again. I only started as of last night so I can’t really say too much except I’m glad I did it. I was originally gonna get a quick workout in at the gym, which I kinda did. Instead I just tossed my ass onto the treadmill and started doing some interval training since it was my first day doing this “running thing” again. When I was done I felt really good about myself. It’s kinda hard to describe, but I’m glad I did it. Tonight will be day 2 and who knows how long this will last. “They” say it takes 21 days to form a habit so we shall see. I know I have an upcoming trip that might fuck this up as I’m trying to discipline myself, but it’s okay. I need to relax and to enjoy myself as well.
For now, I’m good. 🙂
Lee Hayi – For You (Yim Jae Bum cover)
During the past few days I’ve found myself to be very angry, frustrated and now a bit sad. I’m overworked and tired. I’m snapping at people because I’m so sleep deprived because of this bullshit sleeping problem of mines. I’ve been finding it easier to not have to engage in any conversations with friends so I won’t be a total unnecessary bitch to them. They don’t need that from me nor does anyone. Plus, it hasn’t been too hard to due because I’m so busy with work. All I want after a long day is peace and quiet. I don’t want to talk to anyone or to be bothered at all. I’m extremely stressed out with some things. Today that stress is hitting me pretty hard. A close friend of mines shared this video with me last night. I just find a lot of comfort in this song for whatever reason.
17 more days. I can’t wait. For now I’m just over this. Tomorrow will be a better day.