I was Facetiming with one of my girlfriends the other day. We were just catching up and talking about random things. She had mentioned to me how her friend L is moving to Cali and possibly to or around San Jose. L had mentioned to my friend if it’s okay for her to get in contact with me. I kinda cringed when she told me haha. Apparently L thinks I hate her due to an incident she had with my friend. Plus the past couples times I had seen her, I probably had this bitchy looking face on but no directed towards her haha. I just look serious/kinda mean when I’m not smiling at you or whatever. I can easily give off that impression that I don’t want anything to do with you.
Well here’s the back story on L. L is just annoying as fuck lol. She’s the type of person that comes on really strong and tries wayyy too hard to be friends with anyone. For example, she’ll immediately ask you for all of your contact information after maybe 10 minutes of meeting her. For real girl, chill out lol. That’s initially what happened to me when another close girlfriend of mines introduced me to her. I was already warned of her ways prior to meeting her. She’s basically stingy and annoying. Sure, she’s nice and harmless, but oh well. Her first impressions never sat well with me. We’ve ran into each other quite a few times but I never said hi. I’ve only met her two times and I just never cared enough to start a conversation with her. It’s just the vibe I got from her that she didn’t have good intentions. When you come on so strong, I just get defensive because I feel like you’re up to no good.
I always felt as though she plays the “poor me” card a lot, which makes me find her to be so full of shit lol. L had an incident with my close girlfriend (the one that introduced me to her). I didn’t appreciate how she disrespected my friend so I never acknowledged her. I would be like that with anyone if they treated my friends poorly and it’s just how protective I am about them. I just find people like her to be such a waste of time and I really just don’t care for her. I know a couple of my friends that are associated with L takes her crap, but I won’t tolerate such foolishness. I always asked my friends why they’re even friends with her and I suppose they’re just too nice. L’s behavior is just unacceptable to me.
There’s only a handful of people from Boston that I’ll care to reach out to if they move/visit Cali. Generally it’ll be close friends or people I think are chill. I don’t know. I’m just very selective in who I allow into my social circle. I’m very private about a lot of things. I got nothing to hide, but the last thing I need to deal with is some clingy mofo trying to be my “BFF”. No thanks and back the fuck up lol.
I’ve come to a realization that I’ve been holding a few things off rather than tackling it in a timely manner. It can range from errands and chores to impactful tasks. Obviously it’s not hard to cross off chores and errands off of my to do list. On the other hand, the impactful tasks is what I’ve been subconsciously avoiding.
What are these impactful tasks you ask? Starting new projects for my portfolio, taking better care of myself, dating, etc. I’ve been thinking here and there about what kind of project I’d like to add to my portfolio. I have quite a few ideas, but I need to settle on ONE. I’m not too worried about it, which is probably why I keep telling myself “maybe later”. It’s a bad habit to procrasinate on it. I need to start sketching and prototyping my work pretty soon. It’s just hard to get yourself in that work mode and to stay on track. I have a major project that I’m on at work but I need to better prioritize my work and personal projects.
Then comes my health. I’m slowly taking baby steps in trying to take better care of myself. My stress and sleep habits is something that I’m trying to get a better grip of. I’ve been taking my stress pretty seriously since I notice how bad it’s been affecting me. It’s actually really been scaring me but I try to meditate and relax as much as possible. A few weeks ago I purchased a Jawbone Up (fitness tracker) mainly to keep track of my sleepintg habits, so I can better understand what the fuck is wrong with me. I had lost my FitBit some time last year and had enjoyed wearing a fitness tracker. It was good to see when I was being active and not a lazy fuck. I’ve started detoxing since I was drinking a lot recently and eating junk due to friends visiting and after work outtings with colleagues. I’m also trying to get a better gym routine aligned with my schedule since I strongly hate the fact that when I get home from work I immediately shower and go to sleep. No bueno! Lets see how long that’s going to last. Plus, I have to get in shape for my close friend’s wedding since I’m a bridesmaid. Ugh!!
Lastly, dating. A topic I cringe at just thinking about it. I haven’t dated in quite awhile. I just got bored with the guys I met when I was last actively dating. None of them sparked any interest besides maybe one or two, but that didn’t go anywhere. I keep using work and time as an excuse. I just kept telling myself to stay on this track of working hard to progress in my career before I can get involved with anyone. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But then again I can’t continue to be bothered when I see everyone else around me settling down. I’m terrified that I will be old and single. It freaks me out that I’m in my late 20’s and not in a serious relationship yet alone even dating. I think to some degree I’ve held off and put my career first as a way to protect myself from any disappointments and possibly a heartache. It’s been nice but maybe it’s about time I put the walls down. It scares me to have to be vulnerable and to put myself out there again.
Overall, I just need to stop holding off on a lot of things. It sets myself back a lot, which isn’t good. I feel if I don’t act soon on a few of these things soon, later may never come.
After a fun night out with my colleagues on St. Patrick’s Day, my boss and colleague were having some interesting conversations. One consisted of how my colleague J that I work close with vents to me about his wife and random things. I joked around telling them how J is like my gal pal. Then my boss said you know there’s a term for that: work wife. We all cracked up laughing and I said hell no haha. They were saying there’s nothing wrong with that since we work closely together and we talk about anything together. So there’s definitely a formed friendship there. I disregarded that comment on continued my way home.
Last night our team went out again since two of our team members that work remotely were in town. J never comes out to have drinks with us, even if it’s in the office. So yesterday he actually came out with us to this Japanese whisky lounge close by to our office. We all ordered drinks and took advantage of the happy hour specials. As we were once again having really funny yet interesting conversations, we somehow got to talking about me. We were discussing about my makeup, which is bare to none. I mainly wear blush, eyeliner and fill in my eyebrows. We started joking around about my eyebrows and it was really funny yet so random.
Suddenly J brought up this one time how I came into work with no makeup on. Oh boy that was the start of it lol. He started going on about how I looked good with no makeup on and looked so natural. I apparently “keep it real” LOL. Everyone was cracking up, but E was laughing extremely loud and looked at me. E was one of my colleagues that was in the car with my boss and I the night before. After J was done complimenting me A LOT lol, E looked at me and I was laughing and yelling shut up to him lol. Soon J left to go home and E and I started laughing. He was saying how I’m definitely J’s work wife and how he was hitting on me lol. J is an attractive, MARRIED man and a young dad, but I would never say the things he said to me to him lol. I still cringe during that moment, but it was hilarious lol.
Don’t think my team will ever let that go. Sighs haha.
The past couple weeks has been very stressful and emotional for me. With all the things that were happening, it was nice to finally have some company. Last Monday I had decided to work from home. I wasn’t ready to put myself back into the office and I’m glad I chose to work from home instead. One of my old colleagues who recently moved and was once my neighbor had contacted me to grab lunch. It was nice to get away from my computer and out of the house to never ending orders of beer and sake on a Monday afternoon. Both her and I needed it. It was nice to vent to someone that understood how things are at my company. I had chosen to remain offline the remainder of the day after lunch. It was much needed. I wasn’t going to force myself to attempt to do any work when I was still in a funk.
Later in the week friends from Boston were in town visiting. It refreshing to see a familiar face during this stressful time. As exhausted as I was from work and commuting, I sucked it up to grab dinner with them 2 nights in a row and to take them out. It was the least I could do. Plus, I hardly ever go out so I might as well take advantage while I have visitors around. I felt like my old self again joking around with my friends and having great conversations. That was something else I craved for so much during this stressful time. I wanted a piece of home so badly to cheer me up. It reminded me of how my lifestyle in Boston used to be. To dine out or grab drinks after work with friends and it didn’t matter how long our days were. We always looked forward to being in each other’s company. That’s what I miss the most.
Saturday afternoon I got a surprise call from friends from Stockton, CA that were headed to San Jose. I was excited to see them since it’s been quite some They had asked me to join them in getting their engagement photos taken. I wasn’t so thrilled on getting dragged around nor was I in the mood to mingle with their photographer/friend, so I told them to hit me up when they were done. All I wanted to do that afternoon was to lay out in the sun at the rose garden here in SJ and do nothing besides people watch, read, and tan since it was really hot out that day. It was nice and peaceful at the park. It’s one of my favorite places here in SJ to just chill. It was perfect. Eventually I met up with my friends and we grabbed dinner. It’s always nice to catch up with them since I hardly ever see them.
Overall, seeing all these people this past week has been really great. I needed to socialize again and be around some good company. I think there’s only so many Facetime/Skype sessions I can have with friends now. I need that physical interaction with friends. I don’t want to stay cooped up in my room with all of these thoughts and stress. I finally feel like I was able to let go of a lot and to clear my mind. I feel much more relaxed. Anyways, I have 2 remote colleagues that will be in the office this week, which I’m excited. That means the whole team will be in the office and we’re going to have a pub crawl in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. I can’t wait. I feel better good again. It was nice to disconnect myself from my computer this weekend (well, besides right now writing this post haha) and to have good company around during this stressful time. I’m ending the week with a bomb sushi dinner and a good book. 🙂
There’s been a lot happening work wise. It’s causing a lot of stress for me and I’m finding it harder to concentrate on work especially with the most recent incident. I’m very sensitive and emotional right now. I took some time the past 2 days to just disconnect myself and to do nothing. I just wanted to stay away from my computer. After my meeting on Friday afternoon I realized that I’m not all there during our design review and not doing my work right. I need to clear my mind and not let that situation affect me too much, but it’s hard not to.
I was chatting with a close girlfriend on Friday night, who I look up to as a big sister. I told her about the situation and I just needed to vent. I didn’t want questions to be asked to add onto my emotions and thoughts. I wasn’t looking for words of encouragement or sympathy. I just wanted to say whatever I needed to say and call it a day. I felt relatively better again and decided to sleep it off during the remainder of Friday night. Plus, I needed to catch up on sleep since I’ve been working non stop.
No matter how hard I’m trying to redirect my focus on something else, the discussion I had with my boss keeps crossing my mind. It weighs heavily on me. I highly appreciate his respect for me not only as a designer, but as an individual. He got to witness how truly passionate I am about being a designer. He told me that I’m very humble and loyal to my team and that is why he loves me being an asset to the team. It was refreshing to hear that throughout the past 5 years of my career, that was the type of acknowledgement I’ve always sought out for. I will forever be grateful to him for letting me achieve what I wanted to here in Cali. It makes me pretty teary eyed and choked up just thinking about it all. Only a few people can understand this side of me when I get so emotional about design. I take my career extremely serious.
Yesterday I had received my 50mm prime lens in the mail. I’ve been eyeing it for awhile, but held off since I wasn’t as active with my camera lately. I finally purchased it since I realized that I definitely can’t go on vacation or travel anywhere any time soon, so this was a gift to myself for working really hard. So yesterday I was playing around with it and still getting adjusted to it. I went on a little photo adventure last night, which was pretty relaxing. I realized that I need to do this more often. It distracted my mind from everything and the calmness of the night helped as well.
Anyways, I’m currently at my usual Sunday spot to do work. I woke up in a good mood, ready to crank out some work. So far it’s been a fail. The web app that I use to access the wireframes I need to look at for my work isn’t loading properly. It’s frustrating to keep refreshing that shit and nothing appears. Then there’s a fricken high school jazz band playing literally right in front of me. WHAT THE FUCK?! I just want to do my work. Maybe these are all signs that I need to turn the computer off and go relax and enjoy myself. So I suppose I’ll have to turn this fucking computer off and read. For now, I’m beyond annoyed by this fucking jazz band.
Washed Out – Feel It All Around
You feel it all around yourself
You know it’s yours and no one else
You feel the thought of learning again
It’s all around
You’re tired of all the things you did
You’ll work it out
You feel it all around yourself
You know it’s yours and no one else
You feel the thought of learning again
It’s all around
You’re tired of all the things you did
You’ll work it out
This is one of my current favorite chill songs at the moment. I got to see Washed Out perform this song at Treasure Island Music Festival last year and I remember how relaxing it was. The sun had already set, I’m in this crowd of people just mellowing out to this song and the lighting was nice. It was very soothing. I never looked into the lyrics until now. You kinda wonder what they’re saying despite how great the beat is and all.
Today I found myself at the cafe 10AM – 6PM doing work non stop. I was going to stay longer, but I had to unplug my eyes from the screen and turn off my computer. I had barely eaten anything and was running on one latte I had ordered. I’m overworking and not taking care of myself either. I was offline from work for almost 2 days because I wasn’t feeling well. My body was aching and I had the chills. I was going to be pretty mad at myself if I got sick just because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I’ve been progressively getting more headaches the past few weeks, which really sucks especially when I’m trying to think and concentrate on my work. After I got home from the cafe and forced myself to have dinner followed by a long hot shower, I felt a bit better again. Sometimes I just want to lay in my bed with my eyes close to give my eyes a break. I’m being really hard on myself and I have to stop. Even my boss told me I need to take care of myself and to take it easy.
After my shower, I laid in bed thinking about where to go. As mentioned many times, I need a damn vacation. I really wanted to get out of Cali and fly somewhere, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I might keep it local since it seems the most convenient. I’ve considered on going to a hot springs resort in Ukiah, CA, which is somewhere near wine country. A couple of my colleagues has mentioned it to me before since they’ve gone plenty of times and it sounded amazing. Maybe I should take advantage of it and go. I’ve looked into two resorts so far, but will have to ask my colleagues tomorrow for more suggestions and advice. I think it’ll be a good trip by myself as well as disconnecting myself from everything: technology and people. All I want to bring with me is my camera, a book and my Moleskin notebook that I always carry with me. As much as I hate being by myself or spending a lot of time alone, I just need to clear my mind and to try to gain better focus on my life again. I think it’ll be good to throw my ass in nature for a hike and to have my first hot springs experience. I’m actually pretty excited just thinking about it. Hopefully I’m able to book some thing for the dates that I have in mind!!