During a Skype date with my parents the other night after work, I was hoping my parents won’t bring up marriage to me. I totally jinxed myself. I just brushed the whole topic off because I didn’t know what to say to them anymore. But honestly, marriage has been heavily on my mind lately along with several other things. I’m gradually seeing a lot of my friends getting engaged and it freaks me out that I’ll be the single, old lady. I don’t want to be that woman, but I’m not going to force anything with anyone just to get wifed up. For me it’s a lot more than to be with your significant forever. It’s about building your own family with that person and much more. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to have it all. Sometimes when I’m out at my usual Sunday spot reading and I see a family spending time together, I’m so envious of that. I feel very sad for myself yet so jealous of wanting what they have. I’m not the kind of girl to want materialistic items. I’m very simple minded. So, to be married with children would be the most priceless thing I can ever have and nothing can top that.
What really persuaded me to write this entry is discovering that a long time ex-boyfriend of mines is getting engaged…to the girl he cheated on me with. That was an even bigger slap in the face for me. Not only did we share many years together or have all this history, but to know he’s marrying the girl he left me for made me feel even more worthless. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I had another ex-boyfriend that cheated on me for a long time crush. They eventually got hitched as well and I felt like I got stabbed in the heart so many times. This is like deja vu for me all over again. It’s hitting me harder than it did several years ago. It’s most likely because we had a much stronger history than the other ex. Just because I’m upset about it doesn’t mean I want to get back with the ex. I had loved him so much and a part of me wondered “why not me?”. He was my last serious and long relationship. Can you blame me to feel the way that I feel knowing he’s marrying the side chick? I’m just very hurt. With all of the other things I have going on, this was the last thing that I wanted to even hear.
Am I this much shitty of a woman that no man wants me and I’m not wifey material? I hate having this horrible luck with men. That’s why I haven’t tried dating lately. It’s exhausting. What is wrong with me?