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Monthly Archives: February 2015

A bit prior to me moving to California, I adapted this “living with less” philosophy. I’ve grown so big on decluttering and trying to live a much more simple life without many items. It’s actually very refreshing. Whenever I have the chance to Facetime with one of my close girlfriends, I help her get rid of things from her closet. I feel as though a lot of us holds onto many things that we feel that a connection or a memory towards. For example, maybe there’s a particular outfit you wore during a special event with family or friends. But once that event is over, is it still any special?

During my partying/clubbing days I was stocking up on so much unnecessary stuff; dresses, skirts, tops, shoes, makeup. It was a bit ridiculous. I had moved around a lot the past couple of years so every time I moved I had to get rid of stuff. Over the years I’ve accumulated a total of 15 large garbage bags of clothes being donated. I cringe now thinking about how much those bags are worth. I was young and wasteful. I’m not much of a shopper like I was in the past. I actually hate going to the mall. I don’t find it “fun” to loiter the mall or to try things on. Plus, I hate the crowds. It frustrates me. I have a lot more self control now when it comes to buying things in general. Nowadays I just spend my money on my bills, groceries and gas.

I remember when I was packing my things for my move, I made sure that I can only pack 2 suitcases worth of clothes and that was all I allowed myself to bring. Whatever couldn’t fit in my car, it couldn’t come with me. It made me realize what was important to me. My clothes, books, saved cards and photos from family and friends, and of course my laptop. That was priority to me. If anything I feel as if I got rid of a lot of things to forget about how life was back in Boston. This was also my whole “detachment” phase. I wanted to detach myself from anything and everything to make my move to California as smooth as possible. I had moved back to my parents place before my move so I didn’t have to deal with renewing my lease, didn’t date anyone from Boston because I wasn’t going to string no one along with me, and etc.

I feel like practically every weekend morning when I sit up in my bed and look around my room, I want to get rid of more things. Odd thing is I really don’t have much now. I’m fine with being left with a bed, desk and a bookcase. Not every space in your surroundings has to be filled. Right now I’m working on decluttering my desk. There is too many random things and I don’t even know where it came from. Eventually, I’d like to be able to fit all of my clothes into one suitcase. Maybe even one day get rid of my car as well, but that’s kinda pushing it haha. Sometimes I feel that the more I have, the more I want to get rid of it. I’ve learned to find more joy in owning less. Living a simpler life can help us to lead more meaningful lives. It is about realizing that happiness and security aren’t found in possessions. I am very happy with this minimalist lifestyle that I’ve grown accustomed to and hope a lot more people can adapt this, too.

I’m not okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what’s wrong or to talk in general. I’m having a really bad mental breakdown and I’m trying my best to get a good grip of it. There’s a million things piling up in my mind and to find out that yet ANOTHER ex got married doesn’t help. Why is this shit happening to me? It made me feel like I’m going nowhere in my life. I hear and see everyone else enjoying their life while I’m here by myself doing nothing. I’m so unhappy and I really am trying my hardest to make myself feel better. I just feel very low right now in my life and I shouldn’t, The stress and pressure that I’ve been feeling is taking a large toll on me. I kinda feel as though I’m trying to fulfill others’ needs, but my own. I put my own happiness aside for everyone else and I’m tired. I’m not just “sad”. There’s so much more to it and I feel so misunderstood. I try to take things day by day, but I don’t feel any better. I just feel that sometimes all of this unhappiness is going to drive me crazy. I’m having a difficult time digesting a lot of information and shit that I’ve been dealing with lately.

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

It’s been a struggle for me and my finances just like it is for many people out there. I’m trying to play catch up with everything and a lot of it has to do with being unemployed for a year. That’s what’s killing me right now. I recently felt like I was in a good place and really keeping up with budgeting my finances, but recently I’m getting bombarded with bills for left to right. It’s causing me so much stress and difficulty sleeping at night because I worry a lot. Lately I’ve been getting these really bad headaches and I blame it on the stress. I don’t have anyone helping me. My friends either has their spouse or parents helping them out. I don’t want help from anyone nor am I some kind of charity case for you to throw money at me. My parents has offered, but parents will be parents. I don’t tell them about my salary or the bills that are racking up on my end. I’ll tough it out like I have been. I’ve always been independent and it’ll remain that way.

While I maintain my notes on my finances on a weekly basis, I was really hoping that I could take a real vacation this year and I got a bit excited, but it doesn’t look like I can. I don’t understand how people that do or don’t make much money can go on so many trips constantly in a year. I make pretty good money at my current job. I don’t shop a lot either. I mainly spend my money on gas, parking for work and groceries. That’s it! Like I said I’m trying to make up payments for the one year I was unemployed. It honestly fucking sucks. A LOT! What really makes me mad is when you say you’re broke, but you’re traveling everywhere or somewhere. For real, don’t even come at me with that kinda shit because you’re definitely not broke if you can do that shit. If I can treat myself to sushi or to buy myself succulents or a book, that’s the closest to a “vacation” that I can get.

It really does bother me that my first and last real vacation was back in 2008, which was a cruise trip to Bermuda. It’s been 7 years since I’ve gone on a real vacation. Yes, I’ve been able to travel to a couple of places during the weekends in the past, but that’s not a vacation. I used to think those were vacations because getting away somewhere was better than nowhere. But I’m reaching to the point where I need to get away from work and life for a week to really relax. Not many of my friends can understand this, especially when they ask me to go with them. I don’t care how cheap you try to make the trip budget friendly. It’s still a set back for my bills and that’s one of my biggest priorities. I don’t want to come back from vacay and back into reality to know what’s been leftover on my tab. It gives me anxiety.

I guess I’ll have to wait next year for my real vacation if that’s even possible. I’m just so burnt out and tired of being tired, stressed and worried. This fucking sucks so fucking much. Argh!!!

It’s been quite some time where I’ve felt unmotivated to socialize or to date. I used to be the biggest social butterfly back at home, but now not so much. I carry this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude with me ever since my first horrible interactions with people here. I find myself being a bit awkward because I don’t know what to say or I don’t care to really respond to you. I act this way just because I know my interaction with whomever won’t be long lasting so why put so much effort, if any? I’m very selective in who I choose to surround myself with. If I get any weird or bad vibes I’ll just ignore you. If we click or if I even like you, I’ll talk up a storm. It does come off a bit snobby, but as I said I don’t give a fuck.

I’m just tired of having to repeat “my profile”. I’m Connie, 27, moved from Boston, currently reside in San Jose, I’m a designer, etc etc. I’m so sick of having to tell the same story over and over and over and over again. It even annoys the shit out of me to have to tell someone my story. I used to be able to carry a conversation with anyone without having to tell them my background because that didn’t matter. Now I get a bit quiet and standoffish. I’m just bored having these repetitive conversations. Yes, I know it’s a part of getting to know someone, but at this point I should just pass you a quick fact sheet about myself so I don’t have to tell you haha. However, I do think there’s a point where I need to try again, but the thought of it all I dread it so much.

Last night I had gone out to dinner with two of my colleagues along with their significant other as well as another couple. This left me to be the 7th wheel. Prior to arriving to the destination, I was already dreading on going and it wasn’t the fact that there were going to be only couples. That I didn’t know until I had arrived. I’ve just gotten used to my routine of hanging out by myself on a weekend. I had forgotten what it was like to go out to dinner and drinks with friends. So I forced myself to get ready and out the door and to just suck it up.

I had a good time and I’m glad I went, but the one part that ruined it for me was when it came down to paying the bill. Each couple paid for themselves, which left me to pay for myself which is obviously expected. I was ready to tuck my card in the tab until my colleague’s boyfriend had said I shouldn’t pay as much since I was by myself. The last two words that came out of his mouth really stung: by myself. I felt myself cringing and at that moment I had realized why I almost didn’t want to come out. I know there was no harm in him saying that, but for me it meant something. I’m not mad at him or anything, but it just made me feel as if he reassured that fact that I am single and “by myself”. It’s not a great feeling. I’m horrible at hiding my emotions so I’m sure it was written all over my face that I felt like shit when he said that. I got extra quiet and tried to act okay.

I felt like I shouldn’t let that moment make me take several, not a few, steps back to me becoming social again, but it kinda did. I’m very sensitive to shit like that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve changed in so many ways after living here, emotionally and mentally, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve spent so much time alone. It’s really hard for me and not many people get it. It’s a lot of baby steps for me to work myself up to that social level that I used to be at back in Boston. I’m quiet and I just observe. I wasn’t really like that in the past. It took a lot for me to put myself in a group last night like that and now I feel like hiding again. I get so uncomfortable with large groups. Once again, I wasn’t like that in the past.

I miss the old me and it saddens me a lot that I’m not that person anymore.

During a Skype date with my parents the other night after work, I was hoping my parents won’t bring up marriage to me. I totally jinxed myself. I just brushed the whole topic off because I didn’t know what to say to them anymore. But honestly, marriage has been heavily on my mind lately along with several other things. I’m gradually seeing a lot of my friends getting engaged and it freaks me out that I’ll be the single, old lady. I don’t want to be that woman, but I’m not going to force anything with anyone just to get wifed up. For me it’s a lot more than to be with your significant forever. It’s about building your own family with that person and much more. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to have it all. Sometimes when I’m out at my usual Sunday spot reading and I see a family spending time together, I’m so envious of that. I feel very sad for myself yet so jealous of wanting what they have. I’m not the kind of girl to want materialistic items. I’m very simple minded. So, to be married with children would be the most priceless thing I can ever have and nothing can top that.

What really persuaded me to write this entry is discovering that a long time ex-boyfriend of mines is getting engaged…to the girl he cheated on me with. That was an even bigger slap in the face for me. Not only did we share many years together or have all this history, but to know he’s marrying the girl he left me for made me feel even more worthless. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I had another ex-boyfriend that cheated on me for a long time crush. They eventually got hitched as well and I felt like I got stabbed in the heart so many times. This is like deja vu for me all over again. It’s hitting me harder than it did several years ago. It’s most likely because we had a much stronger history than the other ex. Just because I’m upset about it doesn’t mean I want to get back with the ex. I had loved him so much and a part of me wondered “why not me?”. He was my last serious and long relationship. Can you blame me to feel the way that I feel knowing he’s marrying the side chick? I’m just very hurt. With all of the other things I have going on, this was the last thing that I wanted to even hear.

Am I this much shitty of a woman that no man wants me and I’m not wifey material? I hate having this horrible luck with men. That’s why I haven’t tried dating lately. It’s exhausting. What is wrong with me?