Lingering Unhappiness

I’m unhappy, but I believe there’s a lot than just being unhappy. My state of mind isn’t in the right place. With all of the recent occurrences, I’ve found myself in this depression. I want to shut everyone out because no one understands. I don’t want to explain myself nor do I want to share “what’s wrong” with anyone. I don’t even want to talk. I just want to stay quiet. I haven’t been in this position in awhile. I remember I last felt like this when I used to live in Boston. Now it’s caught up to me. There’s a large amount of stress that weighs so heavy on me. I feel like I’m in the backseat watching everyone’s life play out so gracefully and I look down at my own and I’m not moving. This was how I felt in the past. I didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again. I thought I had let go of all those horrible emotions. I hated feeling the way that I did and I hate it a lot now. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I continue going about my life doing my daily activities: going to the gym, reading at a cafe, finding local events, etc. I don’t feel satisfied doing any of these things. I feel like I’m just doing it to fulfill this developed routine.
What made me feel worst is to hear the sadness in my dad’s voice. When I had asked him what was wrong he kept trying to avoid answering my question. Finally he told me he feels unhappy that his family is broken. I immediately put the blame on myself. My heart sank so fast and I resisted the tears as I tried to cheer him up with a joke or two, but that wasn’t any good. If I never left for California, I could physically be there to fix things. I could be there for everything. I feel like a very bad daughter for living so far away from home. All I’ve been wanting to do is to provide for my family and I feel like I’m failing. I’m very disappointed in myself and I worry constantly as to how to make things better.
All day yesterday as I went about my Sunday activities, I just felt really sad. I even went to temple hoping that’ll straighten me out, but nope. Last night I went to sleep in hopes that I’ll feel better in the morning since I would be back in the office after working remotely from home for the past 2 weeks due to the holidays. I believed that surrounding myself in my work environment along with my boss and team would snap me out of this. I woke up at 5:00 AM, an hour earlier before my usual time laying there in my bed wondering when these feelings and thoughts will go away. I arrived into work only realizing being in the office around my colleagues is a way of masking everything.I don’t think anyone really understands how much of an impact being in California by myself has changed me. I want to feel better again. I really just want to be happy.

One thought on “Lingering Unhappiness

  1. *HUG*

    it’s really difficult when you live so far from your family. my parents live really far too, and especially when they call me with medical questions or health problems, it’s such a helpless feeling that we can’t do anything to help out because we’re separated by distance.

    hope and pray that wherever you are, God is near you and brings you the peace and comfort that only He can provide.

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