I’m unhappy, but I believe there’s a lot than just being unhappy. My state of mind isn’t in the right place. With all of the recent occurrences, I’ve found myself in this depression. I want to shut everyone out because no one understands. I don’t want to explain myself nor do I want to share “what’s wrong” with anyone. I don’t even want to talk. I just want to stay quiet. I haven’t been in this position in awhile. I remember I last felt like this when I used to live in Boston. Now it’s caught up to me. There’s a large amount of stress that weighs so heavy on me. I feel like I’m in the backseat watching everyone’s life play out so gracefully and I look down at my own and I’m not moving. This was how I felt in the past. I didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again. I thought I had let go of all those horrible emotions. I hated feeling the way that I did and I hate it a lot now. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I continue going about my life doing my daily activities: going to the gym, reading at a cafe, finding local events, etc. I don’t feel satisfied doing any of these things. I feel like I’m just doing it to fulfill this developed routine.
What made me feel worst is to hear the sadness in my dad’s voice. When I had asked him what was wrong he kept trying to avoid answering my question. Finally he told me he feels unhappy that his family is broken. I immediately put the blame on myself. My heart sank so fast and I resisted the tears as I tried to cheer him up with a joke or two, but that wasn’t any good. If I never left for California, I could physically be there to fix things. I could be there for everything. I feel like a very bad daughter for living so far away from home. All I’ve been wanting to do is to provide for my family and I feel like I’m failing. I’m very disappointed in myself and I worry constantly as to how to make things better.
All day yesterday as I went about my Sunday activities, I just felt really sad. I even went to temple hoping that’ll straighten me out, but nope. Last night I went to sleep in hopes that I’ll feel better in the morning since I would be back in the office after working remotely from home for the past 2 weeks due to the holidays. I believed that surrounding myself in my work environment along with my boss and team would snap me out of this. I woke up at 5:00 AM, an hour earlier before my usual time laying there in my bed wondering when these feelings and thoughts will go away. I arrived into work only realizing being in the office around my colleagues is a way of masking everything.I don’t think anyone really understands how much of an impact being in California by myself has changed me. I want to feel better again. I really just want to be happy.