Unforgiven

I’ve been a bit lost in my own thoughts and perhaps too much. I’ve realized how unforgivable I am. A lot of it has to do with how I was in the past. Being too nice and naïve to people, letting things slide and giving out too many chances. I still can be like that with certain people, but I’m just creating excuses for them. As for people in my past, I’ve seen how good they once were and I’ve seen them turn ugly. I guess once you kinda do me wrong (not just once, but multiples times), there’s no turning back. My perspective of you instantly changes. I’m stubborn with my mind set that that is how you truly are: a bad person. I understand everyone has their flaws, as do I. I just have a very difficult time believing that people overtime will change. It’s a big contradiction on my end since I know I’ve changed a lot over the years. Depending on who you are I might give you some hope that you’ve changed for either the better or the worst.

I’ve given a lot of people the benefit of the doubt and they’ve kinda betrayed me in so many ways that there isn’t an ounce of forgiveness in me anymore to give to them. I don’t wish or hope for anything bad to happen. I’d prefer to act as if we never met and to keep it like that. I kinda go into this phase where I just gradually forget about you and maybe it’s all of the anger I have masking all of the memories I’ve shared with him/her. That’s just my way of handling things. It’s somewhat of a bad habit of mines, but oh well. A lot of my father’s stubbornness and hard headed ways has rubbed onto me as I’ve grown up.

Is it a bit unfair? No, not really. You did it to yourself, so what’s so wrong with me cutting you out? Nothing. Do I get emotional at all when I’m reminded of the good and bad times? Yeah, a little bit. I’d be lying if it didn’t affect me at all. I cared so much at one point and then an instant cut to the wire is a big jump. It’s always unfortunate to see any friendship or relationship to grow and end. A history and a bond was created between you and that person. Some bonds for me are worth letting go though. Do I dwell on these memories that I’ve shared with the people that I’ve cut out in my life? Nope. My mind is already a cluster fuck. I don’t need to dwell on past bullshit.

It is what it is.

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Twenty Seven

My birthday was last week on January 21. Prior to that date I was dreading each day that got closer to my birthday. I felt unhappier this year turning 27 compared to the past 2 years. When I turned 25 and 26 I was sad, but my friends made it bearable. I tried my best to be as optimistic as I could, but it just got to a point where I felt like I was forcing it too much. Like last year, the night before my birthday I made a birthday to do list. I make this list so I can occupy myself without having to remind myself that I lack any company. My to do list this year consisted of:

  • Go to temple and pray
  • Enjoy a good meal throughout the day
  • Pick up free gift from Sephora
  • Have a drink
  • Have some cake
  • Buy flowers
  • Go on a photo adventure
  • Go to Treasure Island Flea Market
  • Order sushi
  • Read a new book at a cafe or outside
  • Build new terrariums
  • Get Starbucks free birthday reward
  • Have a wonderful day & be happy

I pretty much accomplished everything on my list. I completed each activity from Wednesday and into the weekend. I had work on my birthday so I could only do so much. I had left work early on my birthday since my usual daily meeting got cancelled so I figured I might as well head home than to sit in crazy traffic if I lingered around the office any longer. First thing I did as soon as I got home was to go to temple. I felt a sense of relief and calmness when I was there. There was no one else, but me. I was in this peaceful place letting go of my thoughts and sending my prayers to my family and friends. Before I had left, I decided to do the fortune sticks just for the hell of it. I had sent my parents a photo of the lot number I got and it was a good one, which was a relief.

When I got home from temple, I relaxed and tried to get some rest but only ended up Facetiming with my close friend. It was refreshing catching up with her. As soon as I hung up, my landlord knocked on my door and handed me a small box. I asked what it was and she’s told me it was my gift. I was really taken back, but grateful by her generosity. I felt so bombarded by her as she forced me to have dinner in the kitchen, popped open a bottle of champagne, and surprised me with a cake. I really wanted to cry because I was overwhelmed by their kindness. I haven’t had a birthday cake in so long. She picked out my favorite candle color which is yellow and turned off the lights only with only that one candle lighting up the room. I was surrounded by my landlord (husband and wife) as well as my roomie and their guests. They sang happy birthday to me and I just didn’t know how to react. I think my mind was still trying to get a grip that any of this was actually happening. I made my wish, blew out the candle and cut the cake. We sat around the kitchen, chatted and had a few good laughs.

I opened my gift from my landlord which was these small bottles of Burberry perfume. Luckily I’m in need of a new perfume, but I opted to keep one in the bunch that I liked and mailed my mom the rest since I wanted to share my gift with her. One of my roomies came into the kitchen with this big box of egg roll cookies. I asked her what she was doing with such a big box of it. She handed to it me and said it’s my birthday gift haha. I laughed so hard. She had said she didn’t know what to get me but knew that I don’t like chocolate. It was very sweet of her. We aren’t close at all, but we are cordial. It was a kind gesture on her end. Plus they’re my favorite cookies growing up. That night I went to bed really happy. I was really relieved that I didn’t have to have a drink or cake by myself again and that I was able to share that with the people in my household.

My friends from home were good to me as always from afar. I got an early birthday card and photo cube from my cousin and friend. They sent me a really funny birthday card that definitely suited me. I had received this two days before my birthday. I came home from an exhausting day of work to a box with my name on it. I was wondering what it was. As soon as I opened it I teared up. I started crying because I miss how silly us three were together and the good times I’ve had with them. At that moment I had wished I could’ve given them a big hug. I texted them saying thank you and these jerks asked if I cried after opening the gift haha.

The next day I had received a book from another close friend. Man she got me good because I was searching online for the book like a crazy person after our discussion about it. I had forgotten about the title of the book, but she remembered and knew it was a book I’ve wanted to read. I was really excited since reading a new book was on my birthday to do list. Once again I teared up and texted thank you to my friend. My friends has officially caught onto how truly of a softy I can be when it comes to sentimental things. That’s when you truly know how I really am.

On Saturday since it was getting really warm in the Bay Area of the weekend, it was a perfect day to go to Treasure Island Flea Market, which is my monthly activity to do. I was excited to bring my new book with me as well as to purchase new succulents for my room. I’ve become someone with somewhat of a green thumb. I find it relaxing to build terrariums. Anyways, as soon as I got to the flea market I headed straight to where the usual vendor I buy the succulents from was located. Her selections gets better and better every time I purchase from her. I’ll post up pics of my terrariums in another post. Considering on adding more stuff to it after it’s now been depotted and arranged. I got kinda cranky while I was there since there was obviously a lot of people. I bought my succulents, got myself lunch from the food truck and found a perfect spot under a tree with a great view of the SF skyline. It was relaxing laying there in the sun and enjoying my lunch and book. I felt at ease with everything again. It’s something I need to do more often again. When I had gotten home I received two more birthday cards. One from another close friend and one from my parents. My parents never send me one and wanted to because they didn’t want me to feel lonely. It was really comforting to hear my mom say that to me.

The weekend before my birthday a fellow Xangan who’s also a San Jose resident and a close friend of mines was really sweet to treat me out to lunch. It was nice to catch up and have that girl time that both her and I need, well probably she needs it more than me haha. But it’s always refreshing to just take a break from life and talk about anything with a close friend. An old coworker of mines had also treated me out to dinner as well. She had asked what I was in the mood for and I said sushi, but then again I can eat sushi probably 3-4 times a week. She made several suggestions and I had approved that we go eat Ethiopian food instead. I’ve never tried it, always heard good things and here was my opportunity to go. The restaurant was split up into two sections; one with regular dining chairs and tables and the other section was more traditional sitting on stools and this small table was the dining table. Of course we opted for the traditional seating area just to really make the best of the experience since it was my first time. The food was amazing! There was beef, chicken and pork in our dish. The restaurant also served this really good Ethiopian honey wine, which is a really sweet white wine. Overall, it was just nice to have those two meals with girl friends. I know I don’t see or speak to them often, but it was just really nice to just hang out like that. Having good meal and engaging in great conversations. I think that temporarily made me feel sane again.

Despite how lonely I felt, it was nice that to be a bit caught off guard with the company I didn’t expect to have on my birthday. Deep down that was something I wanted to include in my birthday to do list: to spend my birthday with some company and to not be alone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The amount of silence and loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis with just eat away are your mind and your soul. It kills every bit of you and I hate it. For me turning 27 was a big deal. It was another reminder that I’m almost 30, still single, and renting. Granted that I have a great well-paying job and accomplished a lot in my career before 30, that isn’t as fulfilling as I’d like it to be. I want to buy property, settle down, get married and have a family. My close friend had said to me that I shouldn’t be too bummed out about turning 27 whereas she’s turning 30. That comment made me a bit mad and jealous. I kinda snapped at her and said well at least you’ve bought a house and you’re getting married. I wouldn’t mind turning 30 or any age if I had those things in my life. For now I’m really trying my hardest to find my happy and that doesn’t mean a significant other. As mentioned several times I’ve been very unhappy and don’t get me wrong I’m not ungrateful. I feel as if I’ve lost a big piece of myself since moving to Cali and having 2 birthdays gone by. It might not mean anything to anyone, but it’s made a huge impact on me. As for the future birthdays all I’ve always ever wanted is just a birthday card and a Carvel ice cream cake which is my favorite. Nothing fancy.

I’ve said enough. Good night.

This Time

 

John Legend – This Time

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
I’m left empty handed
‘Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
‘Cause I need you back by my side.

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.


Tonight I just need to get it all out of my system and to sleep it off. I know this feeling won’t disappear overnight or anytime soon, but tomorrow is my birthday. I just want to have a good day tomorrow and to be happy.

Good night.

Pointless

Ever have those days where you feel slightly optimistic that you’re day goes well and some parts of it does until that one thing. That one thing that can mean so little to someone else but it can mean the biggest thing to you. Yup, that’s happening to me right now. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus or got a huge slap in the face. It sucks. You think when you’ve shielded yourself from the worst, well you clearly thought wrong. I just feel my heart being broken into so many pieces. This is only adding onto what I’ve been feeling.

I thought for the most part I’ve forgotten about you, but it seems as though you’ve beat me to it. I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I’m just hurting over here so badly. All I ever wanted was you and for things to work out. I wanted a lot of things from you that I will never get because of your ways.

Clearly I still care but at this point what’s the use?

Lingering Unhappiness

I’m unhappy, but I believe there’s a lot than just being unhappy. My state of mind isn’t in the right place. With all of the recent occurrences, I’ve found myself in this depression. I want to shut everyone out because no one understands. I don’t want to explain myself nor do I want to share “what’s wrong” with anyone. I don’t even want to talk. I just want to stay quiet. I haven’t been in this position in awhile. I remember I last felt like this when I used to live in Boston. Now it’s caught up to me. There’s a large amount of stress that weighs so heavy on me. I feel like I’m in the backseat watching everyone’s life play out so gracefully and I look down at my own and I’m not moving. This was how I felt in the past. I didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again. I thought I had let go of all those horrible emotions. I hated feeling the way that I did and I hate it a lot now. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I continue going about my life doing my daily activities: going to the gym, reading at a cafe, finding local events, etc. I don’t feel satisfied doing any of these things. I feel like I’m just doing it to fulfill this developed routine.
 
What made me feel worst is to hear the sadness in my dad’s voice. When I had asked him what was wrong he kept trying to avoid answering my question. Finally he told me he feels unhappy that his family is broken. I immediately put the blame on myself. My heart sank so fast and I resisted the tears as I tried to cheer him up with a joke or two, but that wasn’t any good. If I never left for California, I could physically be there to fix things. I could be there for everything. I feel like a very bad daughter for living so far away from home. All I’ve been wanting to do is to provide for my family and I feel like I’m failing. I’m very disappointed in myself and I worry constantly as to how to make things better.
 
All day yesterday as I went about my Sunday activities, I just felt really sad. I even went to temple hoping that’ll straighten me out, but nope. Last night I went to sleep in hopes that I’ll feel better in the morning since I would be back in the office after working remotely from home for the past 2 weeks due to the holidays. I believed that surrounding myself in my work environment along with my boss and team would snap me out of this. I woke up at 5:00 AM, an hour earlier before my usual time laying there in my bed wondering when these feelings and thoughts will go away. I arrived into work only realizing being in the office around my colleagues is a way of masking everything.I don’t think anyone really understands how much of an impact being in California by myself has changed me. I want to feel better again. I really just want to be happy.