I’ve mentioned in a recent post that I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I’m standing by that. The only people I’ve been talking to are my parents, but that’s an obligated choice to let them know I’m okay and alive. As much as I don’t want to talk to anyone, there’s a lot on my mind that I’ll pour all out on this blog.
I tell close friends that I have my good and my bad days here. I’ll have my moments where everything is good and moments where I feel so lonely and unhappy. Today is my bad day. I’ve been really lethargic all day today and been trying to pull myself out of this slump. I’m having a hard time focusing on my work, which I really need to get it together. I’ve taken a lot of this stress and sadness out at the gym, which kinda helps. I just feel like the solutions I come up with isn’t enough.
I’m dealing with some issues and word got back to my parents. I felt so mad at myself the moment the both of them contacted me. I understand they’re just being parents and trying to be helpful, but I’m stubborn and won’t accept it. I’ll stay struggling than to ever involve them or anyone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment to them. I heard the sadness and concern in my mother’s voice and I felt so horrible to make my own mother feel this way because of me. I tried my hardest to reassure her that everything will be okay. Yet at the same time I felt like this giant glass house with rocks being thrown at me and I can’t do anything to protect myself. Today was where I wish I had my parents close by or a friend to give me a hug and to keep me safe. I found myself burying my face in my hands having a total breakdown because today I can’t be strong like the other days. I’m worried about so many things.
As I was crying, I was thinking about what my mom said to me the day I left Boston during my most recent trip home. While my dad was telling me how sad he was to see me leave, I kept reassuring him I’ll be okay and I told him to cheer up. My mom and I haven’t had the greatest relationship in the past. She’s said some extremely hurtful words to me that I’ll never shake off, but that day she said the nicest thing to me in a long time. She said how when she was my age she wasn’t as strong as me to be doing what I’m doing: moving across the country by myself with no family or friends close by. I wanted to cry so bad when she said that to me, but it showed me that she’s finally given me the respect that I’ve always wanted from her. Anyways, I just felt like I disappointed her again.
The other day when I was talking to my ex-boyfriend T, whom I’ve remained close friends with over the years, I told him more about my sadness here in Cali and why I’m even here. He really felt for me and that wasn’t my motive or anything. I didn’t want a pity party, but he was being so comforting. It reminded me of the times when we did date in the past and how he was always there for me. He always made it so easy for me to confide in him about things. The way he keeps so calm while my crazy self is venting …there’s always something nurturing about it or maybe it’s because I’ve known him for so many years. During our recent conversations, it made me wonder why we ever broke up in the first place. Well we were really young and now we’ve grown to be two different people. As different as we are now, whenever we talk it’s like we’re 15 years old again. I remember when we hung out during my recent trip home we would look at each other in this certain way and it’s like we both knew something but not sure what. Whatever it is, we have a lot of history together and I’m just glad we’re still good friends til this day.
Anyways, I just wish I had to solution to everything. Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself. I just hate having to repeat this to friends because I’m sure it gets annoying to listen to. I just feel extremely lonely, misunderstood, sensitive and vulnerable. All I want is to be happy again. For now going to cry it all out, enjoy this warm cup of Starbucks, and sleep it off. Tomorrow will be a better day.