Finally back in Cali as of last night. It was an extremely long day of traveling. I was so tired when I got home and started feeling really sick. All I wanted to do as soon as I got home was to unpack, shower and go to sleep. Luckily I did my laundry before I left my parent’s house, which saves me the time from doing it back in Cali. I quickly unpacked and put everything in its place so I didn’t have to deal with it today when I get home from work. Smart move on my end. I woke up feeling sick but told myself I have to drag my ass out of bed and into the office. If I worked from home I’d probably be all mopey and sad about being homesick.
Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping that when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for my flight I felt like crap. There was a really strange mood around the house as I was getting ready Sunday morning. My dad was really unhappy as well as my mom, but I think my dad took it harder. I remember Saturday night when he sat there watching tv, he stared aimlessly at the tv telling me his chest really hurts because I’m leaving. I felt horrible when he said that to me. I just put on that tough front and told him he’ll be okay and I tried joking around with him. But even then I’m pretty sure he caught on that I was having a hard time hearing those words. On Sunday morning when my parents were driving me to the bus station, it was a very silent car ride. I sat in the back seat noticing my dad’s eyes getting red and watery. He then told me he felt like crying and once again I put on that tough front. I tried not to look into that mirror where I could see his eyes. I either was looking down at my phone or out the window. I tried my hardest to not cry and to continue being strong.
Soon we arrived to the bus station where my parents sat with me waiting for my bus to arrive which was to bring me to the airport. I tried to strike a much more optimistic conversation to lighten up the mood and that helped a bit. Once my bus arrived, I gave my parents a hug and walked onto the bus. I opted for a seat by the window that wasn’t facing them so they wouldn’t see me crying. As soon as I got on the bus I stared out the window silently crying wishing that I didn’t have to go back to Cali. I felt horrible to go back to Cali making my parents feel sad. I know it’s not really my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Throughout my entire trip home I cried silently. I remember every moment at the airport in Boston I felt so unhappy and emotional. The moment the plane took off I felt so heartbroken to leave my home again. The closer I got to Cali I felt worst. I had a stop in Milwaukee, Phoenix and then finally San Jose. When we landed in San Jose I felt the sadness kick into overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable around the surroundings I’ve grown accustomed to during the past year I’ve lived here. I hated everything; from the streets to the people. It was and will never be anything like Boston.
Today is my first day back in the office. I feel okay again to be around my coworkers who welcomed me with opened arms. I guess my work is my safety net out here. That is essentially why I’m even in Cali. This morning when I woke up I felt like I woke up from a long dream of being in Boston. It doesn’t even feel like I ever went back. It’s so strange. I felt so happy again to see my coworkers. Yet once I’m out of the office and back to my place, my mood changes to hating everything again. I become so hateful of everything because of the malicious people I’ve crossed paths with out here. I blame them for making me feel this way and making me fear to come back to this shit hole west coast. One day I’ll go back home for good. For now I have to continue doing what I’m doing. Like my friends have been saying to me, just do what you have to do and then come back.