As much as I don’t want to sound corny by saying this, but time is really just a precious thing that can’t be wasted. I feel as if I’ve wasted a lot of time and let a lot of it go by without getting one thing off of my chest with a friend of mines. We’ve been close friends for the past 14 years and there was one thing I could never speak up about. My feelings for him. I feared the end of a great friendship and I couldn’t handle losing that friendship. He is hands down a genuinely great guy and unfortunately on his end he keeps finishing last. Mutual friends of ours all know how nice he is and thinks that he is a great guy as well. Another reason as to why I never spoke up was that I felt like he was too good for me and I’m not saying it as if I’m insecure. I feel as if I would taint him and be a bad influence lol, but I always felt like he deserved to be with someone that was just as great as himself. Over the years I kept telling myself to build up the courage to say something but never did. I’m generally pretty open and will speak up, but whenever it came to him it was different. He was that one guy I was always so delicate with because he truly is such a good person. I never treated any other guy this way in my life even up until now. I’m very blunt and straight forward with the guys I’ve dated in the past. Every time we have made plans to hang out I would try to bring it up, but nothing comes out. I just choke up feeling stupid. I end up going home feeling foolish for not saying anything and continue telling myself “next time”.
The one moment I won’t ever forget was when he went to prom with me. At the time I was dating someone else and that guy wasn’t able to go with me. I saw no harm in asking him to go with me since we were (and always) just friends. He said yes and had told me he wanted to ask me to go with him to his but his friend had asked him before he could get to me. Anyways, we had a great time at my prom although he wasn’t feeling so well that night. I remember my friends and I all changed out of our prom attire and into our casual clothing. Once we were getting dropped off at the after prom party and all my friends had quickly gotten out of the limo, I noticed it was just him and I walking towards the venue. I was pretty quiet and still a bit shy during this phase in my life. I was only like 16 or 17 at the time. We didn’t say anything but slowly walked with our hands kinda bumping into each others. Finally his hand latched onto mines and we walked hand in hand towards the after prom party. I got even more shy and nervous, but I felt guilty because I was seeing someone at the time. At that moment I wished time was on my side since we were both in the right place. The moment we got to the doors, I let go and acted as if nothing happened. After that fun night, we never spoke of that hand holding session.
Now since I’m still in town visiting, I had asked him out to dinner. I figured I might as well tell him in person now since it’s not like I fly back often. I felt better telling him face to face rather than over the phone or text. Why now am I choosing to tell him? Because I really need to get it off of my chest. I’m not hoping for anything to happen since I no longer live in Boston nor are the feelings there. I obviously do really care for him since we have known each other for so long and I’ll always care in that sense. Yet perhaps it’s just good to let him know since he is quiet and shy and won’t possibly ever mention it. Maybe we both have lingering questions and thoughts as to “what if” anything happened between us. Unfortunately I got the short end of the stick and was informed that he was sick so our plans got cancelled. I was kinda bummed out since it has been quite some time since I’ve seen him. I really wanted to catch up and to see how he was doing. All day I’ve been in this weird mood. Years later and another missed opportunity. I sometimes feel that when moments like this occurs, it’s just a sign. Perhaps the timing is right, but we’re both not in the right places. Who knows?
One day though…