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Monthly Archives: December 2014

An hour and a half left until 2015 arrives here in the west coast. My family and friends are already celebrating. For myself, I just got home and getting ready for bed. How did I spend my last day of the year? I worked from home, cleaned my room, went to the gym, put in fresh new bed sheets, and made a yummy dinner. I was hoping to just stay in and relax, but opted to head out last minute with my coworker who is my neighbor haha. She was really kind enough to invite me over to her family’s for dinner and to hang out. Since I had already made dinner, I just wanted to get out of the house and have some wine before I drop kick my current annoying house guest. I was in a great mood until this shit head decided to disrespect me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I punched him in the face before he leaves.

Anyways, I got dressed up, had to get out of the house and let off that steam. My coworker’s family is really nice. I’ve met her parents and her boyfriend several times already. Very sweet, nice family. We got tired of mingling and decided to head back to her place to lounge around. Now I’m getting cozy for bed and reading my jar of notes that I’ve written for the year of 2014. Every single day (well almost), I wrote something good that happened in my day even if it was a bad day. Whether I had a delicious lunch, Facetime called my friends, checking out a local event, etc. Looking forward to reading what happened throughout the year of 2014. Probably going to continue doing it for 2015. It’s kind of interesting to see what you define is a “good” day.

It was a very long and difficult year, but I realized how much of a long way I’ve come to the point where I’m at now. In 2013, I arrived in Cali with no job lined up or anything. I remember last year on NYE it was my last day at my contract job, which made me feel horrible knowing I was going to start off the new year with no job. Throughout this past year I’ve progressed in my career and got to where I want to be and what I set out to accomplish here in Cali. I wanted to stray away from being the print designer that I was in Boston and shift gears towards the UI/UX (User Interface/User Experience) route. I had to take on a few freelance and contract jobs to get me to my current job. I have an amazing boss, my team is talented and smart, and I love the work I do. I am truly blessed. California will always be a big adjustment to me. I will always be homesick, be upset and cry about it, but c’mon. I took myself out of my comfort zone especially my hometown where I was born and raised. I’m very thankful for having supportive and loving family and friends in my life despite the distance between us.

As for my new year’s resolutions, I’m not too sure. Perhaps I’ll post it tomorrow. Hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!

I’ve mentioned in a recent post that I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I’m standing by that. The only people I’ve been talking to are my parents, but that’s an obligated choice to let them know I’m okay and alive. As much as I don’t want to talk to anyone, there’s a lot on my mind that I’ll pour all out on this blog.

I tell close friends that I have my good and my bad days here. I’ll have my moments where everything is good and moments where I feel so lonely and unhappy. Today is my bad day. I’ve been really lethargic all day today and been trying to pull myself out of this slump. I’m having a hard time focusing on my work, which I really need to get it together. I’ve taken a lot of this stress and sadness out at the gym, which kinda helps. I just feel like the solutions I come up with isn’t enough.

I’m dealing with some issues and word got back to my parents. I felt so mad at myself the moment the both of them contacted me. I understand they’re just being parents and trying to be helpful, but I’m stubborn and won’t accept it. I’ll stay struggling than to ever involve them or anyone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment to them. I heard the sadness and concern in my mother’s voice and I felt so horrible to make my own mother feel this way because of me. I tried my hardest to reassure her that everything will be okay. Yet at the same time I felt like this giant glass house with rocks being thrown at me and I can’t do anything to protect myself. Today was where I wish I had my parents close by or a friend to give me a hug and to keep me safe. I found myself burying my face in my hands having a total breakdown because today I can’t be strong like the other days. I’m worried about so many things.

As I was crying, I was thinking about what my mom said to me the day I left Boston during my most recent trip home. While my dad was telling me how sad he was to see me leave, I kept reassuring him I’ll be okay and I told him to cheer up. My mom and I haven’t had the greatest relationship in the past. She’s said some extremely hurtful words to me that I’ll never shake off, but that day she said the nicest thing to me in a long time. She said how when she was my age she wasn’t as strong as me to be doing what I’m doing: moving across the country by myself with no family or friends close by. I wanted to cry so bad when she said that to me, but it showed me that she’s finally given me the respect that I’ve always wanted from her. Anyways, I just felt like I disappointed her again.

The other day when I was talking to my ex-boyfriend T, whom I’ve remained close friends with over the years, I told him more about my sadness here in Cali and why I’m even here. He really felt for me and that wasn’t my motive or anything. I didn’t want a pity party, but he was being so comforting. It reminded me of the times when we did date in the past and how he was always there for me. He always made it so easy for me to confide in him about things. The way he keeps so calm while my crazy self is venting …there’s always something nurturing about it or maybe it’s because I’ve known him for so many years. During our recent conversations, it made me wonder why we ever broke up in the first place. Well we were really young and now we’ve grown to be two different people. As different as we are now, whenever we talk it’s like we’re 15 years old again. I remember when we hung out during my recent trip home we would look at each other in this certain way and it’s like we both knew something but not sure what. Whatever it is, we have a lot of history together and I’m just glad we’re still good friends til this day.

Anyways, I just wish I had to solution to everything. Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself. I just hate having to repeat this to friends because I’m sure it gets annoying to listen to. I just feel extremely lonely, misunderstood, sensitive and vulnerable. All I want is to be happy again. For now going to cry it all out, enjoy this warm cup of Starbucks, and sleep it off. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Received an e-mail from WordPress with my ‘Annual Report’ of my blog. Thought I’d share. Enjoy?

 


 

 

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,700 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Lego reindeer with gifts

Nothing exciting this year just like any other year. Hung out with my girl and her son, which is always great seeing them and catching up. We exchanged gifts and drove around to see what restaurants were open for lunch. Of course Asian restaurants during Christmas to be opened is never a fail. Nothing like a yummy Vietnamese rice plate. BOMB! 🙂 After I got home, I had a Facetime session with a close friend from home. Really wished I was back at home so both her and I could hang out so we both wouldn’t be bored and home alone on Christmas. Maybe next year! I was just a bum all day. I took a nap and when I had woken up I wasn’t feeling so well. Then this sadness kicked in. Blah! I’m alright now. I just have my moments. Decided to try to pull myself out of it by watching ‘the Interview’ and putting together my yankee swap gift that I got. I got this Lego set and had planned to put it together on Christmas. Talk about being productive. Now I’m just in bed trying to relax and get myself ready for work tomorrow. That’s as exciting as my day got. I miss doing yankee swap with friends back at home or just getting together if our families weren’t doing anything on Christmas Day so we could comfort each other and have a good time. I really miss it.

I should probably consider traveling somewhere during the holidays from now on with friends. Who knows? I can’t wait til one day when I’m settled down and have my own family to create our own traditions. For now I’ll occupy myself as much as I can when I can’t fly home during the holidays and try to embrace the day.

Ever since I came back from Boston, I’ve gotten much more quieter. I just don’t really want to talk to anyone nor do I really have anything to say. Maybe it’s my own way of coping with the loneliness. I just want to be in this silence until the year is over. I just want to sleep it off and wait until the new year arrives.  I’m cringing as the days get closer to Christmas. I change the radio station as soon as I hear any Christmas song. I really hate the holidays, but my colleagues and friends from home has been very kind to me. I’ve received several offers from my colleagues for me to spend Christmas with them since they know I’ll be alone. I thanked them for their generosity, but to be surrounded by another’s family and friends will only make me feel worst knowing that I can’t spend time with my own family and friends. I’d rather be alone on that day and try not to think too much about it. I’m treating it like it’s any other day. It’s hard for me to really describe my emotions and thoughts of what’s been going on with me lately, but that’s okay. I’m not going to bother trying to explain it to anyone for them to understand. I just don’t want to be bothered. It’s as simple as that. I’ll eventually pull myself out of this emotional mess.

Bye bye Boston

Finally back in Cali as of last night. It was an extremely long day of traveling. I was so tired when I got home and started feeling really sick. All I wanted to do as soon as I got home was to unpack, shower and go to sleep. Luckily I did my laundry before I left my parent’s house, which saves me the time from doing it back in Cali. I quickly unpacked and put everything in its place so I didn’t have to deal with it today when I get home from work. Smart move on my end. I woke up feeling sick but told myself I have to drag my ass out of bed and into the office. If I worked from home I’d probably be all mopey and sad about being homesick.

Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping that when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for my flight I felt like crap. There was a really strange mood around the house as I was getting ready Sunday morning. My dad was really unhappy as well as my mom, but I think my dad took it harder. I remember Saturday night when he sat there watching tv, he stared aimlessly at the tv telling me his chest really hurts because I’m leaving. I felt horrible when he said that to me. I just put on that tough front and told him he’ll be okay and I tried joking around with him. But even then I’m pretty sure he caught on that I was having a hard time hearing those words. On Sunday morning when my parents were driving me to the bus station, it was a very silent car ride. I sat in the back seat noticing my dad’s eyes getting red and watery. He then told me he felt like crying and once again I put on that tough front. I tried not to look into that mirror where I could see his eyes. I either was looking down at my phone or out the window. I tried my hardest to not cry and to continue being strong.

Soon we arrived to the bus station where my parents sat with me waiting for my bus to arrive which was to bring me to the airport. I tried to strike a much more optimistic conversation to lighten up the mood and that helped a bit. Once my bus arrived, I gave my parents a hug and walked onto the bus. I opted for a seat by the window that wasn’t facing them so they wouldn’t see me crying. As soon as I got on the bus I stared out the window silently crying wishing that I didn’t have to go back to Cali. I felt horrible to go back to Cali making my parents feel sad. I know it’s not really my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Throughout my entire trip home I cried silently. I remember every moment at the airport in Boston I felt so unhappy and emotional. The moment the plane took off I felt so heartbroken to leave my home again. The closer I got to Cali I felt worst. I had a stop in Milwaukee, Phoenix and then finally San Jose. When we landed in San Jose I felt the sadness kick into overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable around the surroundings I’ve grown accustomed to during the past year I’ve lived here. I hated everything; from the streets to the people. It was and will never be anything like Boston.

Today is my first day back in the office. I feel okay again to be around my coworkers who welcomed me with opened arms. I guess my work is my safety net out here. That is essentially why I’m even in Cali. This morning when I woke up I felt like I woke up from a long dream of being in Boston. It doesn’t even feel like I ever went back. It’s so strange. I felt so happy again to see my coworkers. Yet once I’m out of the office and back to my place, my mood changes to hating everything again. I become so hateful of everything because of the malicious people I’ve crossed paths with out here. I blame them for making me feel this way and making me fear to come back to this shit hole west coast. One day I’ll go back home for good. For now I have to continue doing what I’m doing. Like my friends have been saying to me, just do what you have to do and then come back.

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving Boston and heading back to Cali. I’ve been so spoiled with great times with my family and friends during my time here. I’m dreading the thought of having to finish packing and going back to Cali. I realized how much I really hate it there. I’m an East Coast girl at heart and I just find it even harder to adjust this time around once I get back. Boston is my home and all my loved ones are here. The other night was my last night hanging out with friends. We went to my usual yet once upon a time favorite bar. Got to see a lot of old faces and there were quite a few surprise faces that came out that night. My friends managed to get me drunk, which is an obligated duty of theirs before you’re gonna send me off back to Cali haha. But they also managed to make me cry.

Throughout the night a few friends were saying really nice things to me such as how they’re so proud of me for doing what I’m doing out there, how I’m a really good person and etc. I was so overwhelmed with the overload of love and support that I started crying. It still makes me tear up as I’m writing this blog entry. They comforted me as I’m burying my face into my hands sobbing and told them how much I don’t want to go back. I told them how scared I was to go back to Cali to the loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis. When you’re so alone every day with no one else but yourself, it has a really big effect on you.

Thinking about having dinner by myself, finding weekend activities to do by myself, remembering how mean and nasty people were to me in Cali, to not be there for my family and friends when we both need each other the most, and etc. … it does a huge number on you. Cali has made me so vulnerable and emotional and I try to not let my family or friends know too much about it because I don’t want them to worry. Everyone understands as to why I’m staying in Cali and I know from afar they’ll continue to support me. I had a feeling I was going to feel like this since it’s my first time visiting home in over a year since I’ve moved. It reminds me of how upset I was when I left a year ago. I sobbed like a baby but I don’t care. I felt so comforted to be surrounded by good friends as they tried to make me stop crying. I left my heart in this city with full of great people. Home is where the heart is and going back to Cali will never be the same. I’m just really homesick and always will be.

Despite how unhappy I am to go back, there were lots of fun highlights of my trip here:

– Annual Thanksgiving Potluck hosted by my close friend and I was the surprise guest

– Celtics vs. Portland Trail Blazers: Unfortunately we lost and it was a semi close game, but at least it was my first time to get on the jumbotron which was awesome lol

– Ate lots of yummy food in Boston. Went to some old favorite places as well as trying a few new places

– Taking the train and walked around Newbury Street and Boylston Street and realizing how beautiful the architecture and the city is

– Bar hopped with good friends and hookah lounge

– Got to see my dog 🙂

– Got asked to be my close friend’s bridesmaid!

– Watched “Theory of Everything” which was a really good movie. Must see!!

– Went to my once old favorite bar and had a blast with friends

– Confessed my love LOL. In reference to my previous post “Missed Opportunity”. Yes, I told my friend and it’s finally off my chest

– Unexpected plans with an ex-boyfriend who is still a good friend of mines. While we hung out it reminded me of how we were when we were younger and for whatever reason I feel like it’ll always be like that with him and I when we see each other.

– Hung out with yet another old flame. That was interesting lol

– Went to visit my 93 year old grandmother who raised me when I was younger. She’s so cute but doesn’t really recognize me which makes me sad but I understand

 

Overall it was a great trip and I got to see a lot of faces that I wanted to see. There were a few that I wasn’t able to see, but there will be a next time. 🙂