All I’ve ever wanted was an answer. Is that too much to ask for? I’m tired of being the maintenance person trying to tend to every repair needed and to make things better. I’ve tried every possible solution to make this better, but I end up pushing him away and things get worst with the silence on his end. All he had to do was to say something. Anything!! He could’ve said all the wrong things and apologize for it later. It still would’ve been an answer. I’m not mad. I’m frustrated and confused. Why do you have to do this to me? Whenever I think about the question “did I drive you away?” it reminds me of the Coldplay song called “Sparks” because that’s a lingering question that remains unanswered. Why do I have to be pushed to the side lines? It just shows he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Does all of this craziness have to happen for things to fix itself?
It saddens me and breaks my heart to tell him to forget about me. Slowly typing each word broke my heart bit by bit. I wanted to cry after I hit “Send”. I don’t ever want that but maybe that’s the answer and solution to all of this. I was always scared to know that I wasn’t ever in his thoughts or that he forgot about me, but maybe it has to be this way. I honestly wish we were strangers and met for the first time again. Maybe things could’ve turned out differently and maybe better than what things are now. I hate where we currently stand. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying. I wish he was here to hold me and to just tell me all the answers that I’ve wanted to hear. But that’ll never happen.
I miss everything about him yet oddly enough I feel like a part of me doesn’t know who he is anymore. Maybe the feeling is mutual on his end. I don’t know because there’s never an answer. No matter what I still want to stay and be there for him so we can fix it all together. But I accepted my role and it’s nowhere for me to be in his life as much as I want to be there. It really upsets me to have to think that way. All I want to do is to make him happy, I want to make him laugh when he’s mad, I want to add more little things to the shoe box of my letters that he has, I want him to be here so we can enjoy the view at Sierra Point, I want him to tell me he cares, misses me and needs me. The list can go on and on. I miss it all and wish I can have him back again.
I’m just extremely saddened to be at this point of unanswered questions or anything. I really wish it wasn’t like this but all he had to do was to speak up. I sit here in tears constantly asking myself what went wrong and why can’t we fix this already? I just want to be happy with him but reality is he’s already hopefully happy and okay without me. I wished things between us were a lot better because I would’ve enjoyed spending all the time we have together if he was here. I still remember and miss how sweet everything was when we first talked.
There’s a lot of wishful thinking in mind.