It feels like it’s been a long, chaotic dream this past week. I think I’ve finally snapped myself out of it. There’s truly nothing that I can do anymore to fix it or to make things better. I’ve officially exhausted myself and I have no luck in finding the solution to “this”. Maybe there was never anything to fix and things were so broken from the beginning that neither one of us could do anything about it. Maybe this entire time I fought so hard because I wanted to feel something and I didn’t want to lose this feeling. Maybe we were meant to cross each others path but weren’t meant to be together. I’ve never stood so firmly for anyone but him. It hurts because I put my pride and everything else aside for this stranger. We all have standards, but sometimes you adjust those standards according to who this person is and maybe you even toss out those standards for this person. I’ve continued going about my life the way I have, but he always came to mind regardless of what I was up to. He was so hard to shake off and it’s not like I never tried to forget him. Reality is we can never be in each others lives as much as I want it to happen. I have no place in his life since he’s managed to go about his life perfectly fine without me. Why make a bold statement and can’t explain yourself? It’s very misleading. I’ve kept it to myself because I didn’t know how to react or what the right words I could say to respond. But none of it mattered since it was something you apparently can’t recall at all.
I thought to myself that crying it all out and having some soju with a girlfriend was gonna cure it all, but it was just a temporary fix. I woke up at 5AM and sat on the edge of my bed thinking it’s finally over and I feel okay again. I sat in the morning silence feeling like there was some kind of clarity. I was gonna make today a good day. Got myself breakfast to get rid of the remnants of soju that was still there. I tried to sleep it off and hoping to wake up to feeling better so I could go about my day. Nope. I’m still going to go about my day, but I just feel so heartbroken. I know it’s not the end of the world, but I wish for all this pain to go away instantly.
I’m a foolish woman that’s been fighting for a selfish man. I don’t regret at all fighting for him, but for him I was never worth fighting for. The more efforts I made or words I said, it pushed him further away from me. Maybe there was something there or something is still there, but unfortunately nothing can ever happen.