This past weekend a close friend from home whom I consider a sister came to visit me along with her hubby. We had an amazing time during their visit and time flew by way too fast with all of the fun we were having. I’ll go into details in another post about our activities. Came Sunday morning when I had to drop them off of the airport I kept telling myself not to cry. It’s not like I won’t ever see them again. After I hugged her hubby I thought that I’ll be okay. Nope! Haha. The waterworks slowly kicked in when my friend hugged me so tight. The more comforting words that came out of her mouth, I cried more and hugged her tighter. This rush of sadness hit me so hard and I didn’t want to let go of her. I just felt like a little kid again being as upset as I was. Even though they were here for a few days, I haven’t felt so safe and protected in so long. They provided me this sense of security that I’m lacking in my life, even though it was temporary. After how poorly I was treated by people here in Cali, I do get standoffish and nervous to meet new people and make new friends sometimes. I know it sounds so childish, but when you get treated like shit by total strangers after another you pretty much want to close off everyone and want to keep to yourself. I got to be my old self while spending time with my friends. I missed “that Connie” and it made me miss home even more. After we finally said goodbye and I drove away in my car, I just couldn’t stop crying and feeling so sad. When I got home I just tried to sleep it off and distract myself, but I’ve been in this funk ever since they left. Right now, I feel so vulnerable and emotional. All it took was not only saying goodbye, but for that hug I’ve been longing for from any close friend from back at home to trigger every bit of sadness I’ve subsided since my move to Cali.

Prior to that morning, my friend and I stayed up late chatting as her hubby snored away. We both laid down in the dark talking about everything, especially the topic of relationships. She had asked about PC and I opened up to her about every thought and feeling about him that I’ve kept to myself. I haven’t gone into that much detail about my thoughts and feelings about him to anyone. The more I spoke of him, the more I missed everything about him. He even once provided me some security; an emotional security. When things went wrong, he made me feel that everything was going to be okay. I felt so safe and protected, even with the distance between us. I don’t think he’ll ever know or understand how truly grateful I was for him to make me feel that way. Even though we no longer coexist on the same path that we were once at, the thought of him still makes me feel safe. I wonder here and there what things would be like if he was still a part of my life. I just wonder if he ever felt this way about me like I do for him. 

I’m just very sad and lonely living my daily life with hardly any company. Work has kept me busy, but that’s just not enough. I’m just so envious of the security and happiness all my close friends have in their life. I hope one day I can have that as well. For now I’m trying my best to snap myself out of this.


3 thoughts on “Security

  1. i actually have the opposite experience. i had very few good friends back home and found it next to impossible to make new friends. however, ive met some really good folks in california and became friends with them. im hopeful to meet more people and make closer friends here.

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