Helping Hand

I was watching these videos today and it just made me want to tear up a bit, but I was at work during my lunch break so that couldn’t happen haha. I think what Tim did was great and I know he’s not the only person to have ever done something like that for their family. My family is a bit similar to Tim’s. Both our parents own a business and they’re complete workaholics. My parents own a business to make life easier for our family, but I wouldn’t say things has been easy. I’ve always been responsible for my parents and gradually been the head of the household as I got older. I enjoyed taking care of them and never felt obligated to just because they’re my parents. It makes me the happiest seeing them smile and laugh, even with our daily phone calls I try to make them laugh. I always wish I can give back in any way I can even if it’s just doing the little things. Even though I’m so far away I wish I could help them like I used to. That amount of guilt I have that was there prior to my move to Cali still weighs heavy on me. I wish I was able to present my parents a pretty hefty check like that so they’ll feel more at ease and be able to relax. It made me really sad knowing I’m not capable of doing that right now since I’m still getting situated with my job and my own finances. I’m trying my best to work as hard as I can to be able to provide for them. Today was one of the first time where I felt extremely burnt out. This past week I haven’t been able to focus on my work properly because I am so exhausted. When I got home from work, I barely had the energy to speak to my parents, but I talked to them briefly because I know how much they miss me. There are moments when we do speak I feel really sad because they’re so worn out from working and they vent to me about their stress and problems. They tell me how tired they are and you can hear it in their voices. I tear up and try to hold it in when they tell me their frustrations. I know how badly they want that helping hand. All I want to do is to make their life easy like how they did for me.

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Worn Out

Only third week in at my new job and I am extremely exhausted. All I want at the end of the day is an alcoholic beverage, good sushi and my bed. This job has thrown me off of my routine especially the little things like making my bed or reading my book of the month. Over the weekend I was playing catch up and trying to get myself back into the routine of things. Made myself a weekend to do list that consisted of a few errands to run. Also, trying to gradually get myself back into my workout routine again. I’ve definitely put on some weight due to stress, which is no bueno so I need to take care of that. I’m not saying this job sucks by any means because I’m so restless. I definitely love this current position since there’s definitely growth and I’m doing what I truly want to do in design that I never got to do at previous positions. I’ve just had some bad habits grow on me a bit before and after starting this job like bad eating habits, sleeping late, not exercising, completing chores, and etc. I just need to get a better grip of this schedule. What’s killer is this commute to work. That time I take to commute to and from work I could be doing something else. Luckily I have flexibility at my job where I can start my day whenever I want, but I prefer to get things done in the morning and have the evenings to myself like most people. I’ve been playing around with my schedule a lot as to what works for me, like what time to leave my house to drive into work or what time I should leave and maybe complete 1-2 hours worth of work at home. So many things to consider and play around with. Right now, I really wouldn’t mind a weekend getaway somewhere. But first I gotta handle that¬†work/life balance before I can consider a short trip anywhere! Even though I’m exhausted, I really enjoy that feeling as weird as it may sound. It’s keeping me distracted from certain things and helping me focus on what I came to California for. Career wise I’m in a good place and I can’t complain, even if I’m tired. ūüôā

Fix You

Coldplay –¬†Fix You

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Year One

Today marks one year since I’ve moved to Cali. Crazy how a year has flown by already. Honestly, everyday I feel like I’ve only been here for a couple of months. It’s definitely still an adjustment for me. I miss home every single day. The first six months here was rough. I cried a lot and felt so out of place. The loneliness and silence that you deal with gets to you quite often. This whole experience for me was to take myself out of my comfort zone and to experience what it’d be like to live somewhere where you don’t know anyone. It has been an interesting experience.

More importantly I moved for the sake of my career. I’m in a really great place with my career right now. Recently started a new job and I’m learning more in order for me to grow as a better designer. I’ve definitely become a much more confident designer. It was a struggle finding work out here when i first arrived. Throughout my time here I’ve definitely worked my way up. I worked for shitty people to amazing, big companies. I am very grateful to have those opportunities to have worked for those companies. I’ve never felt such strong motivation for my career before until now. There’s more clarity as to where I see myself in the future as a designer. It’s a very rewarding feeling.

As for how long I plan to stay in Cali, I’m unsure. A year has gone by but that’s still nothing to me. As much as I miss home constantly, I’m in a very happy place with my career. My social life has gotten a tiny bit better, but my friends from home are always still in contact with me which makes me feel better. I’m still trying to develop a core group of friends, but honestly the people here suck. I’ve done a lot of reaching out and I’m just kinda over it. People here are flakey and never come through, which is horrible for me to expect that. Glad I have friends at home that aren’t like that. I’m glad to have at least one great girl friend around (lisalaughs) because “Man Jose” can be a bit much. Plus, every girl always needs to have that down time with their girlfriends! It’s essential.

I’m very thankful again to have such sweet friends who has been with me throughout this experience. I won’t forget about seeing C in September in San Francisco. At that time I wasn’t here in Cali for that long but it was great to hang out with a girl friend. I got to spend Christmas with P (another friend from home who lives semi close by) and catching up and making our silly, gigantic s’mores haha. Then January another close girl friend came to visit me for my birthday. I cried so much because I was so happy for them to have come so far just for my birthday. It was a very sweet gesture. I got to see C again in June which is always a great time. Good food, drinks and company was what I needed during that time when I became unemployed. Having that girl time was very comforting. I’m looking forward to seeing M and her hubby at the end of this month. Can’t wait!!

I’ve looked at plane tickets to travel home but still unsure. Hopefully in November but we shall see. We’re already into half of the year being over and I got to figure out travel plans for home soon. I was all about not visiting home so soon because I felt like I didn’t earn that right to. I’m a very prideful person. I’d be embarrassed to visit home with nothing to show. It was easy to pack my things and leave, but definitely hard to go home. At this point, it’s safe to say I’ve earned that plane ticket home. I’ve been through enough one year without seeing my family and friends. I left my heart back in Boston and I miss how my city made me feel.

Glad to know I survived this one, long, tough year by myself. It still blows my mind that I got into my car and drove across this country. Never gonna do that again haha. Onto year two.

Dreams

For the past couple of nights I haven’t slept so well, but nothing new there. I have a horrible time trying to sleep in general. Anyways, over the weekend I had some really bad nightmares two nights in a row. I would wake up at 4AM scared shitless and trying to forget what happened. But I was too scared to fall back asleep so I’d try to distract myself with some YouTube in hopes that I’ll fall asleep again. There was something just so disturbing about those two nightmares. I pretty much got killed twice in a row. I couldn’t see who murdered me, but it still freaks me out.

Last night I was relieved it wasn’t another nightmare. It was a very sweet dream. It felt so real. It was about PC. I won’t go into details of what exactly happened there, but for once in a long time I felt so close to him than I ever did. I know it sounds so corny, but it did. I was really sad when I woke up because I was disappointed that it was over. His presence in my dream felt so real and it’s been on my mind all day. With some of the things that has occurred recently, I felt so protected and safe when I saw him in my dreams. I wish it was the same in this reality, but unfortunately it’s not. At the end of the day, I am my own protector.

Just something I needed to write and get out of my mind.

Ooh

I love my career, but I absolutely hate having to explain to people what I do. It gets frustrating because they don’t understand what a designer goes through and the shit we have to put up with. I hate it even more that I’ve gone through a few contract positions out here, and when I come across a new opportunity and tell someone their reaction isn’t the greatest. Their response is usually “ooh…”. Whatever happened to congrats?! That kinda shit really irks me because it’s just plain rude. It makes me feel like I’m looked down on because here I am a “struggling” designer that got yet another design job. I don’t need anyone to “feel bad” for me. It’s what comes with staying in this industry. Trust me I don’t enjoy having to bounce from job to job. It was something that stressed me out so much when I first arrived in California going through the whole job searching process or taking on short term contracts. It’s something that I’ve accepted out here¬†and have gotten use to. Designers are primarily¬†contractors because companies don’t want to pay the benefits or provide a work station so they can spend their money elsewhere. It’s as simple as that. It’s definitely a semi shitty position to be in since it lacks security and stability, but it definitely opens doors to different companies and to expand your network as well. I definitely miss the permanent, full time positions back at home, but the opportunities there versus here cannot compare. There’s just a lot of room for me to grow as a designer here. Plus, I feel like I get a lot more respect out here where when it comes to projects, my opinion actually matters. I never got that in Boston. Some of my previous bosses could careless about me as long as the project was completed. There wasn’t any growth or a¬†challenge at all.¬†Anyways, I’m not expecting the red carpet treatment or tons of attention on me when I do share with people that I got yet another new job. I would just like some respect for the career I’ve fought extremely long and hard for. If you don’t want to hear about my career or whatever else, just tell me. It’s as simple as that.