Not many people know that I have a brother, specifically an older brother. Some of my close friends forget that I even have a brother or a sibling in general. I’d like to think of myself more of an only child than someone’s little sister. I hardly ever speak about him and you won’t find a picture of us unless it was from when I was younger. That’s already enough said for how “close” we are. Of course when we were younger we were close and played together a lot. There’s only a 2 year age gap and our birthdays are a week apart from each others. So you can imagine having to share our birthdays as a kid, which wasn’t a big deal to me because as a kid I thought it was cool to have someone to celebrate my birthday with especially with my so called brother.
Things changed when we got older and that’s expected. We drifted apart as we were developing our personalities and just trying to figure out who we are. I was always the much more reserved, shy, and quiet type when we were younger whereas he was much more outgoing and much more vocal. Unfortunately that’s all I remember about who I thought my brother was. Over a period of time as we got older there was definitely a strain in our relationship. I felt like my brother just turned on me and became an entirely different person. He was very nasty and horrible to me. Not in a sense where your typical older brother would pick on the younger sibling. He was just plain mean and would say awful things to me. It was really embarrassing when any of my friends witnessed how he spoke to me. I never exaggerated about his behavior and for them to have seen it they disliked him as well. Why did he do those things you ask? I honestly don’t know. He made me feel like I ruined his life and I think that’s the worst way to make anyone ever feel whether it’s family or not. His actions and words were extremely hurtful, but no matter what I still wanted to rebuild our relationship. I sucked it up and would try to talk it out with him, but he just continued being this horrible person to me.
As the years went by I tried my best to stay as optimistic as I could to have hope that I’ll have my brother back. I kept telling myself this is just a phase that siblings go through. It just got harder as time went by to even talk to him. There were definitely many times where I got upset and cried about this because I was trying to find solutions to fix the sibling bond we once had. At a point I got tired of trying to make things better. It wasn’t like I was trying for a few months. I’m talking nearly 5 years. Resentment and anger grew a lot towards him. Arguments got so intense that I’ve even punched him in the face because he got me so mad. That was the point where I lost all respect for him because he had pushed my limits and I wasn’t gonna put up with his disrespectful attitude towards me. I remember screaming at him, “I’m your only fucking sister! Don’t you fucking forget that.” It wasn’t like it was the first time I screamed that out at him. He needed to be reminded of who I was. I wasn’t his friend or some stranger. I am his only blood sister. Every time we were in the same place as each other I would just stay quiet but then open his big mouth and an argument would erupt again. It practically became a routine whenever we crossed paths. Now I just avoid him at all cost to save my time and energy. If we were both visiting my parents, I’d end up leaving to go back to my apartment because I just got so sick of his shit and the ridiculous, pointless fighting. It got to the point where I feel like my parents can’t even have either of their children together. My brother was the one that paved that path for our family.
Again, years went by and here I am not really knowing who my brother is. It feels weird to even call him my brother because he’s actually just a mere stranger to me and my parent’s “other child”. I’ve kept him out of my life as much as I could because I feel like he lost the privilege to truly be a brother to me. I don’t have his cell phone number, I’m not on Facebook but even when I was active we weren’t friends on there, and I know tidbits about his whereabouts through my parents and vice versa. They know how strongly I feel about him and how I don’t care to know anything about him. Of course it upsets them that their only two children can’t get along, but shit it’s not my fault your son is a dickhead. He’s made it easier on me to push him out of my life completely as I got older. I know this post can sound so contradicting that I don’t care for him, yet I’m writing about him. Honestly, it’s really embarrassing for me to discuss my relationship with him to anyone. I dread being asked the question, “do you have any siblings?”. Sometimes I just want to say no so I don’t have to answer the basic detailed questions about him. I am not proud of the lack of the relationship I have with him, but he made the choice to treat me the way he has and to push me away and I’m giving him that space he’s created. When I see my friends and their siblings interact, I do get a little emotional because I wonder what it would’ve been like. It’s really sad and pathetic that we don’t know anything about each other. I just know that I am very cold and defensive when he tries to speak to me, but could you blame me?
Today he sent me a text message saying “congrats” to me on my new job and whatnot. I just deleted the text. Then he sent another one with image saying:
You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance—You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. –Danielle Koepke
Not exactly sure where that whole thing came from especially from him, but I’d be lying if it didn’t bother me. Whatever it means, it is way too late to repair our relationship. There’s nothing he can say or do to make anything better at this point. I stayed as optimistic as I could and continued trying to make things better, but he chose to leave me out of his life like I do to him now. He will never have a part in my life like I mentioned and I’m okay with that. I’ve been living my life fine without a brother and it’s his loss, not mines. He’s just a mere stranger to me who I cannot and will not ever trust. If we weren’t related, I wouldn’t want to be friends with a person like him. We’ve grown to become two entirely different people and even if that’s the case or not, he just has no place ever in my life nor do I want to give it a fresh start. The damage is done. Whenever someone thinks it’s just a typical sibling rivalry or they have a bad relationship with their sibling like I do, I make it clear to them mines is very different from theirs. They’ll probably have a minor disagreement with their brother/sister, say I hate him/her and then makeup and they’re cool again. Unfortunately that has never happened in my case. I do tend to remind my friends that they should really try to work on their relationship with their sibling because we are definitely getting older and time goes by fast. I’d hate to see any of my friends have the same relationship as my brother and I.
Anyways, that’s my embarrassing, pathetic yet sad story of my “brother” and I.