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Monthly Archives: June 2014

Yesterday when I got home from spending the day in San Francisco, I noticed this large white envelope as soon as I stepped into the house. I checked who sent it and it was from a close friend from home. I sat on my bed and was eager to open up this package to see what it was. As soon as I saw the contents in the package I was overwhelmed with joy and started to tear up. My friend JN was really sweet and sent me a book by my favorite author and she’s a fan of him as well since we like to discuss about his books sometimes. She also sent me a newsletter from Cape Cod which is where my parents live as well as where I grew up for a certain period of time. She sent it to me since she went to visit Provincetown and thought it would be nice to send me something that reminded me of home. Plus I got an awesome pineapple shaped letter too haha. It was all really sweet and cute of her to do something like that. I generally send postcards to close friends and vice versa, and definitely don’t expect any gifts in return at all. It definitely made me feel really comforted since the moments of homesickness was kicking in earlier this past week.

JN is someone I’ve known since I was 14. She’s just about 2 years younger than me. We met through mutual friends back in the days and somehow we became close friends. She has always been the same since I’ve met her long time ago. We had this weird lingo between us where we called each other “AC” which stands for Asian Crew lol. It’s a long inside joke between the both of us, but she even referred to me as Connie “AC” Chen on the package lol. I think it’s cute that that little silly joke between us still carries on especially after so many years. I remember when I was 16 I had mentioned how I always wanted a jade bracelet but just never got one. Since I was relatively close with her family, her mom who is the biggest sweetheart gave me this amber colored jade bracelet for both JN and I. It was such a sweet gesture. Unfortunately it broke during my freshmen year in college and I felt so bad because I really did value that gift.

There were definitely periods of time where we lost touch, but whenever we caught up with each other everything was the same where it left off at. Even though we hung out with different crowds and a few of our interests didn’t match, I knew I could always count on her if I was ever in need of a friend. It was a bummer that I didn’t get to see her before I moved to California. My move was kind of short notice and I tried my best to make time for most of my close friends before I left. I really wish I got to see JN before I left, but I’m sure we’ll have a little reunion again. We still keep in touch through text messages and Google Hangout chat sessions. We always had this thing where we would catch up over a bowl of pho and that was my favorite thing with her. We’ve always done it since we were younger since it was a cheap yet enjoyable meal and we’ve managed to carry that little tradition on. She even mentions in the letter how we should catch up over a bowl of pho someday lol. I’m just glad that throughout the years, neither one of us had forgotten about each other and still have such a strong friendship. I’ve always looked at her as my little sister and that’ll never change.

For awhile lately I feel like there’s some clutter in my life. I just wanna get rid of everything and be left with literally one luggage full of my belongings like how people used to travel way back in the days. My closet is neatly organized as well as color coordinated. Everyday when I slide open that closet door and my eyes is fixed on this rainbow array of clothing where I have to pick my outfit of the day, I feel like the clothes doesn’t suit me anymore. The way I’ve always dressed has been basic such as tank top with cardigan or V-neck tee with jeans or leggings. That’s my style. I don’t get flashy with accessories. There are some clothing in this collection that just suits the old me. I have a few dresses and skirts from the clubbing and partying days, summer outfits I’ve worn to the beach visiting my parents in Cape Cod, and etc. I definitely feel like my style has changed since I’ve moved to Cali. I’d like to think it’s much more reserved and neutral, but still basic as usual. Anyways, I guess this is my way of moving on with my life as weird and corny as it may sound. Like I’ve told a lot of people, I’ve toned it down a lot since I’ve moved here and the remaining belongings that I have here doesn’t suit me as much anymore. It reminds me of the person I was back in Boston. I was very outgoing, social and free spirited. Not saying I’m not any of these traits anymore, but I don’t really have any friends to bring that side of me back again since my life is so quiet now. I’d be content with keeping a few favorite books, lipsticks (you have no idea how much I have haha) and of course favorite outfits. I’ve donated and gotten rid of A LOT of my clothes and belongings while I was preparing my move to Cali. Of course I wanted to hold onto everything, but my rule was that if it couldn’t fit in my car then it had to go. My lifestyle has changed dramatically as well since I’ve been here. I live a very simple daily life where I’m hardly ever required to get all dolled up like I used to. Dressing up for me now is putting on lipstick. It’s time to get rid of these things like I did almost a year ago when I was prepping for my move. I just don’t need a lot of these things anymore and I’m ready to let it all go.

Miguel – Simple Things

She said, I don’t want a model
I don’t want a movie star
You don’t have to win the lotto
I want you to win my heart
Yeah, she said I just want someone true
She said I just want someone to, smoke with me babe
And lay with me babe
And laugh with me babe
I just want the simple things
Smoke with me babe
And laugh with me baby
And lay with me baby
Cause I just want the simple things
I just want you
Yeah, yeah
I want you
Yeah, yeah

I said, No I don’t need a model
I don’t need a debutant
Just be a tough act to follow
You know, a free spirit, with a wild heart
Alright, I said I just want someone real, someone true
I said I just want someone else

Smoke with me baby
And lay with me baby
Laugh with me baby girl
I just want the simple things
Smoke with me baby
Lay with me baby
Laugh with me baby
I just want the simple things
I just want you
Look at me baby, I just want you
You, I want you baby
You alright
I just want you, you

Smoke with me baby
Lay with me baby now
Laugh with me baby
I just want the simple things
Smoke with me baby
Lay with me baby now
Laugh with me baby
I just want the simple things
I just want you
I just want you
Give it all you
All to you darling
I want you, I want you
I just want the simple things

Not many people know that I have a brother, specifically an older brother. Some of my close friends forget that I even have a brother or a sibling in general. I’d like to think of myself more of an only child than someone’s little sister. I hardly ever speak about him and you won’t find a picture of us unless it was from when I was younger. That’s already enough said for how “close” we are. Of course when we were younger we were close and played together a lot. There’s only a 2 year age gap and our birthdays are a week apart from each others. So you can imagine having to share our birthdays as a kid, which wasn’t a big deal to me because as a kid I thought it was cool to have someone to celebrate my birthday with especially with my so called brother.

Things changed when we got older and that’s expected. We drifted apart as we were developing our personalities and just trying to figure out who we are. I was always the much more reserved, shy, and quiet type when we were younger whereas he was much more outgoing and much more vocal. Unfortunately that’s all I remember about who I thought my brother was. Over a period of time as we got older there was definitely a strain in our relationship. I felt like my brother just turned on me and became an entirely different person. He was very nasty and horrible to me. Not in a sense where your typical older brother would pick on the younger sibling. He was just plain mean and would say awful things to me. It was really embarrassing when any of my friends witnessed how he spoke to me. I never exaggerated about his behavior and for them to have seen it they disliked him as well. Why did he do those things you ask? I honestly don’t know. He made me feel like I ruined his life and I think that’s the worst way to make anyone ever feel whether it’s family or not. His actions and words were extremely hurtful, but no matter what I still wanted to rebuild our relationship. I sucked it up and would try to talk it out with him, but he just continued being this horrible person to me.

As the years went by I tried my best to stay as optimistic as I could to have hope that I’ll have my brother back. I kept telling myself this is just a phase that siblings go through. It just got harder as time went by to even talk to him. There were definitely many times where I got upset and cried about this because I was trying to find solutions to fix the sibling bond we once had. At a point I got tired of trying to make things better. It wasn’t like I was trying for a few months. I’m talking nearly 5 years. Resentment and anger grew a lot towards him. Arguments got so intense that I’ve even punched him in the face because he got me so mad. That was the point where I lost all respect for him because he had pushed my limits and I wasn’t gonna put up with his disrespectful attitude towards me. I remember screaming at him, “I’m your only fucking sister! Don’t you fucking forget that.” It wasn’t like it was the first time I screamed that out at him. He needed to be reminded of who I was. I wasn’t his friend or some stranger. I am his only blood sister. Every time we were in the same place as each other I would just stay quiet but then open his big mouth and an argument would erupt again. It practically became a routine whenever we crossed paths. Now I just avoid him at all cost to save my time and energy. If we were both visiting my parents, I’d end up leaving to go back to my apartment because I just got so sick of his shit and the ridiculous, pointless fighting. It got to the point where I feel like my parents can’t even have either of their children together. My brother was the one that paved that path for our family.

Again, years went by and here I am not really knowing who my brother is. It feels weird to even call him my brother because he’s actually just a mere stranger to me and my parent’s “other child”. I’ve kept him out of my life as much as I could because I feel like he lost the privilege to truly be a brother to me. I don’t have his cell phone number, I’m not on Facebook but even when I was active we weren’t friends on there, and I know tidbits about his whereabouts through my parents and vice versa. They know how strongly I feel about him and how I don’t care to know anything about him. Of course it upsets them that their only two children can’t get along, but shit it’s not my fault your son is a dickhead. He’s made it easier on me to push him out of my life completely as I got older. I know this post can sound so contradicting that I don’t care for him, yet I’m writing about him. Honestly, it’s really embarrassing for me to discuss my relationship with him to anyone. I dread being asked the question, “do you have any siblings?”. Sometimes I just want to say no so I don’t have to answer the basic detailed questions about him. I am not proud of the lack of the relationship I have with him, but he made the choice to treat me the way he has and to push me away and I’m giving him that space he’s created. When I see my friends and their siblings interact, I do get a little emotional because I wonder what it would’ve been like. It’s really sad and pathetic that we don’t know anything about each other.  I just know that I am very cold and defensive when he tries to speak to me, but could you blame me?

Today he sent me a text message saying “congrats” to me on my new job and whatnot. I just deleted the text. Then he sent another one with image saying:

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance—You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. –Danielle Koepke

Not exactly sure where that whole thing came from especially from him, but I’d be lying if it didn’t bother me. Whatever it means, it is way too late to repair our relationship. There’s nothing he can say or do to make anything better at this point. I stayed as optimistic as I could and continued trying to make things better, but he chose to leave me out of his life like I do to him now. He will never have a part in my life like I mentioned and I’m okay with that. I’ve been living my life fine without a brother and it’s his loss, not mines. He’s just a mere stranger to me who I cannot and will not ever trust. If we weren’t related, I wouldn’t want to be friends with a person like him. We’ve grown to become two entirely different people and even if that’s the case or not, he just has no place ever in my life nor do I want to give it a fresh start. The damage is done. Whenever someone thinks it’s just a typical sibling rivalry or they have a bad relationship with their sibling like I do, I make it clear to them mines is very different from theirs. They’ll probably have a minor disagreement with their brother/sister, say I hate him/her and then makeup and they’re cool again. Unfortunately that has never happened in my case. I do tend to remind my friends that they should really try to work on their relationship with their sibling because we are definitely getting older and time goes by fast. I’d hate to see any of my friends have the same relationship as my brother and I.

Anyways, that’s my embarrassing, pathetic yet sad story of my “brother” and I.

Things has definitely looked up recently and surprisingly quickly too. I got to spend time with my close girlfriend from home that was visiting, hung out and went bar hopping with “concert friends”, and finally hang out with another fellow Bay Area Xangan. Also, landed a new job which I’m semi excited about. Many interviews later and I got a couple of offers. Had to turn some down for the one I accepted. It was a first come,  first serve basis for me just to be fair. Anyways, things are looking up and there’s so much of this happiness I want to share with PC. I am lucky and blessed to have such supportive parents and friends with kind words of encouragement and whatnot, but it’d just be nice to share this with a significant other. It’s one thing when you share this kinda news or happiness with family and friends versus a significant other. That thought of being single and not being able to share that with someone special made me tear up. It started to make me feel so lonely. Everything is coming together but just that one void in my life has yet been filled. I just want to settle down already, share memories and experiences with a significant other already. It’s already been pretty lonely to not have my family and friends here to share my California experience with. I have no one to really share my experience with. It’s just so many memories and emotions by myself. Sometimes I just wonder if things has changed for the better where he would just somehow show up at my door step, but realistically that will never happen.

 

Wish I could share this moment with him.

He’s someone I haven’t really spoken about in awhile whether it was in a blog post or with a close friend. One of my close friends and I were having our usual girl talk about guys, dating and relationships. Somehow PC got brought up into the conversation. I felt my heart sinking to my stomach. While discussing about him, I got really choked up and resisted the waterworks when I told my friend all that matters to me about him regardless of what he’s possibly up to I just hope that he’s happy. It’s one of those corny, cliche things where you hope for that person that you want to be with that they’re happy whether they’re with you or not. Having to say it out loud to my friend, I felt so torn up inside and I started feeling so sad again. The thought of him being with someone new and just being happy with that person hurts so much, but at least he’s happy, right? I realized how much I care still and if I didn’t then I wouldn’t feel the way that I do right now. There is a ton of little things that reminds me of him especially recently since 2 years ago was when we first spoke to each other around this time. Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever cross each others paths again and if things will really be better this time around. I’m so crazy to still feel the way that I do about him. Like he even said to me, “you’re silly”. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I would.

He was a big part of my happiness and I miss it, especially him.

For awhile now ever since I’ve moved to San Jose, I’ve always wanted to check out the First Friday out here. I haven’t been to a First Friday in a long time back in Boston. Essentially what First Friday is is where local artists display their artwork open to the general public. There’s usually beer and wine served at these events. I like how the First Friday here is more outdoors than indoors of a gallery like how Boston was. Also, this past weekend there’s a festival called SubZero festival in collaboration of First Friday so the event last night was bigger than previous ones from what I’ve been told. There were a few stages with different bands and artists performing. There were a few food trucks, but none really appealed to me. It was pretty cool and very lively. It was nice walking around and making more use of my DSLR. I got to do a bit of networking when I was checking out this one display of a local magazine called Content. I spoke with the girl that deals with marketing for that magazine. It was really interesting how it’s all local writers, photographers, models and designers that collaborate to develop a great piece of print. It was great speaking with someone that is as passionate as myself about print design, which unfortunately is dying to the digital world. We exchanged contact information and at that moment I thought “dammit I should’ve brought my business cards!” haha. I didn’t think I’d end up talking to anyone since I was roaming around by myself.

After checking out the artwork and whatnot, I ran into the group of people I went to the Skrillex concert with. I haven’t seen them in awhile and they’re really chill, fun people. We ended up going bar hopping, which was fun. The guys were really sweet and kept buying me drinks, which I really appreciated but definitely wasn’t necessary on their end. Went to a cool kinda dive bar in downtown that’s semi new. Lots of great beer selection. After that first spot we ended up at really shady bars lol. It was an interesting night, but I had a lot of fun. One of the guys was really sweet and walked with me to my car while the others headed in another direction to their car. I got home at practically 3AM and another guy in the group texted me to make sure I got home okay. They’re such sweet people. Hopefully I’ll be able to hang out with that group more often.

Anyways, I’m gonna try to go to First Fridays more often when I can. It’s so far one of my favorite local events to check out and I believe First Fridays is a nationwide event.

http://www.southfirstfridays.com/