Do you ever get that feeling that something bad is gonna happen? I’ve just been sensing that lately but I tried not to think about it so much. It’s definitely been a rough day. It was like a domino effect of bad luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if something else happened right now.
First I was already slightly bummed out when I woke up this morning. I finally picked up my California license plates yesterday and had to swap out my Massachusetts ones since they need to be mailed back. I know it all sounds stupid and it’s really not a big deal, but to me that was really the literal last piece of home I had with me. All of the road trips and adventures I went on driving my car with that plate for the past 10 years holds a lot of memories for me. It came with me here to California and now it’s going back to Boston without me. I feel 100x lonelier than I do already. Like I said, I know how stupid it sounds but oh well. I got over it until…
Looks like I’m available on the job market again. I was working from home today and after lunch I received that call from my recruiter about my contract. It ends next Friday and unfortunately it won’t be extended. I kinda had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be since I have horrible luck and timing with things. I’ve been really stressed out about it as to what the deciding factor would be. I felt a lot of pressure from my parents to maintain this job. Shit, I’ve been busting my ass at this job hence the lack of blog posts. I asked the recruiter as to why my company wouldn’t extend it and I’m glad she was honest with me. I need to take that comment with a grain of salt and help strengthen my skill. I know I’m a good designer, but that one little comment made such a big difference in keeping this job. Even though I’ll be moving forward with potential opportunities, I keep trying to remind myself that I am only here in California for my career and to build up my resume. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL, CONNIE!! What makes me emotional about this is that I’ve developed a great bond with my team and it was awesome to work with a group of smart, kind, and extremely talented people. They made me laugh everyday so that subsided the homesickness and loneliness a lot for me. It just sucks that I won’t be around that anymore.
Before I found out the news this evening, I was talking to my parents and they kept saying to me to do my best to keep this job. I know there’s a lot of issues in my household right now and I can’t do anything from afar, but I was hoping this job could’ve done a lot more for me so I can help my family. A little while ago my dad made his usual call to me, and I just bursted into tears when I saw his phone call. I was scared to face him and my mom with the news, but you can already tell in my tone that I wasn’t myself. I definitely don’t hide my emotions well. It didn’t take him long to pry it out of me for what was wrong. As I told him and said each word in that sentence out loud, the tears kept coming. It was so hard for me to hide the fact that I was crying. I told my dad I had to hang up and I just wanted to be alone. He said some sweet and encouraging words to me before our call ended. A few minutes later my mom called to check on me. I just didn’t want to repeat the same thing again or to answer any questions. I know my parents are worried about me and they’re being as comforting as they can. Yet at the same time I feel horrible. I kept apologizing to my mom while I’m crying. I’m beating myself up so bad for everything.
Quite frankly, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone and I’ll be okay. I’m really mad at myself for everything. All day long I’ve questioned my decision in moving here. It’s been almost a year since I’ve left Boston and I wonder everyday, what good has come from this move? Should I just move back already? I really miss home, my family, and my friends. If I wasn’t so far, a hug from any of them to comfort me right now would be the best thing I could ask for.
I wish for better days to come. That’s all I want in my life right now.