As I mentioned in my last post I’ve been coming to Communications Hill to run. I had a relatively long yet good day but felt the need to fit in a run before bed time. I found myself feeling so hurt the harder and faster I ran. Each step of the way I felt so crushed. At one point I started walking it off and the waterworks came. I started running again so I wouldn’t cry anymore. I stopped at a spot that overlooked the neighborhood. That sadness was an instant rush as soon as I stood there staring into the darkness and the lights.
While I was standing there, I felt so pathetic to let such a coward affect me this badly. He definitely touched a place that no one has ever. It’s something you can’t describe or compare it to anything. I’ve been pushing my body pretty hard lately and nothing. No matter how fast I run, I can’t shake it off. I return to my car crying out loudly because there’s no point in exhausting my body any further. I’m just so frustrated with myself to condone it all. The more I cried, the hurt grew stronger.
I realized that all I ever wanted from him was to listen. From day one, I’ve always spoken up and was honest. I never demanded material things from him. I’m not that type of girl. I have too much pride for a man to throw materialistic items at me. I just wanted him to listen and to understand. That was something so priceless yet so hard to get. My words went in one ear and out the other. His way of acknowledging my words was “I know” or “sorry”. I was never trying to pull a guilt trip on him. I just wanted him to show me that he cared by telling me on his own will of what I wanted to hear. The little things like “good morning” or “I miss you”. I’ve tried being extra specific and detailed as well as dumbing it down but he still doesn’t get it and this point he won’t ever.
For now I’m gonna continue shaking it all off even though it’s gonna continue to hurt a lot. I am too good of a woman to have to beat myself up like this.