Total Sucker

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These past couple of days I’ve been coming to Communications Hill to run and clear my mind. Before I go home, I sit at the bench admiring the view and awaiting for the sun to set. I do a lot of reflecting and try to sort out all of my thoughts. Eventually I get pretty emotional and a bit teary as I sit here with my sunglasses on to hide myself and my emotions. Trust me I’m well aware of how pathetic that sounds.

I honestly want to know what have I done so wrong to him to deserve this. I’m very heartbroken. I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life and I try to redeem myself by being such a good person. Yet I feel like I’m being punished by him. What did I ever do to him to be treated like this? I’m just a total sucker for him. He makes things difficult but I still stay because that’s how much I give a fuck. That’s why I like him and care about him so much because of how difficult he is. I cherish and accept him for all of his flaws. I don’t stay because I should but because I want to, which makes me such an idiot. Most people wouldn’t have tolerated all of his shit like I have, but that’s how important he is to me and for me to want him to have a place in my life. My close friend asked me how do I deal with it? I just do.

I feel like this time around has to be the absolute worst. That day I felt so blessed and lucky to have him again. I remember going to bed feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I felt like I got my “happy” back. Thinking back to it, it really just felt like a dream. I really feel like I got punked and there’s not enough words to begin to describe how hurt I am. I haven’t been able to sleep well because of him. I don’t know what else to say or to do for him because I’ve pretty much been talking to myself. He’s made me feel so worthless as a woman and even more unappreciated than before. It’s my fault that I allowed this all to happen. My guard went down for him and I put my pride aside for him.

He sure knows how to get a girl’s hopes up. Like I said I feel like I’ve been punked and I wish for this sick joke to end already. There’s nothing that he can say to mend anything. I heard the last speech and here I am feeling the way that I do. I’m awaiting for your next “newsletter” because that’s all you’re good at, as well as fucking around with me. All the things I’ve asked of him was so difficult and I’m a very low maintenance girl. I don’t know which part he didn’t understand or if any part.

I’m just a wreck and you will never understand what you’ve done to me. “Sorry” has lost its meaning like you said yourself but this time indefinitely. Apologies don’t mean shit to me anymore no matter how sincere you can make it sound. All I wanted was for him to be about it and not talk about it. Actions speaks louder than words, but at this point you can do whatever you want since that’s what you’ve been doing. I’m not in second and third place when it comes to his priorities, but just at the very bottom. I’ve accepted the fact that I am worthless to him and everything/everyone in his life matters but me. To have any of his time and attention is a lot to ask for. I’m sure he’s made more time on social media than for me, which is extremely insulting and a total slap in the face. Tell me if there’s any other woman that would stay by your side like I have. I’m just his punching bag and that is all I’ll ever be to the most selfish man I’ve ever cared so deeply for. I feel like I’ve been dealing with a really good sales man because I keep going back for the “great deals”.

My words and myself means nothing to such a selfish man like himself. Crazy and stupid part is, I’m still pulling through for him to prove me wrong and hoping he’ll come around. At this point it doesn’t matter if I walk away or not because I doubt he’ll notice or even fight for me to keep me. At least I gave my all and that’s all the matters.

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