It’s about to be officially 8 months since I’ve moved to California. I still find it hard to believe that I’ve been gone for that long or that I’m even here. Adjusting here hasn’t been easy on me at all, although things has gotten slightly better than it was several months ago. I’m lucky to have met a decent group of people recently, but of course due to my financial situation it’s hard for me to go out and about with them. I’m just not ballin’ like that haha.
I miss home every single day. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about it. My friends from home constantly check in on me to see how I’m doing which means A LOT to me, even if we’re chatting for a couple of minutes. I’ve been way too emotional and sensitive since I’ve been here. I wasn’t exactly like this before I moved. The loneliness eventually accumulates and mind fucks you so hard that you just can’t handle it anymore. I am just tired of being mind fucked every single day since I’ve moved here. Developing a routine or not, I feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve had a hard time sleeping that even if I take some melatonin, it doesn’t work for me. I go running to burn off the anger, sadness, and stress in hopes of relieving all of that, but nope. I return home to my bed, staring at the ceiling feeling so lost in my scatter minded brain and emotions.
Recently, I’ve had people from back at home contact me and just chatting with them made me miss home even more. I miss the lifestyle that I once had. Total social butterfly and outgoing, easy to make friends and always had fun whether it was with friends or strangers. I guess while talking to some of these people back at home and hearing about the fun that they’re having, I have to admit I am jealous. I’m not jealous about having a ton of drinks and getting shit faced. I’m jealous of being surrounded by genuinely good company. Having any company here is a total struggle. It just feels so forced when I do try to initiate plans with people here. It makes me feel a tad bit desperate and that’s not me. It was great having my friends visit me back to back during my birthday. With all of the fun that we had in that short amount of time of their visit, I miss it a lot. It was great having a piece of home here even if it was temporary.
I got really upset last night about something really minor but I wished that more than ever I was back at home. I wanted to be in the company of my family and friends. Generally just people that gives a fuck about me. As childish as this may sound, I just wanted to hug my family and friends so bad. I think about them all the time and I always pray for them whenever I go to temple. The doubts kick in and I question if I even made the right decision by coming out here. How much longer can I tough it out before I can make a visit home? If I’m that unhappy, will it make a difference if I moved elsewhere? Should I move back to Boston? The answer to that question is no. I’ve told everyone repeatedly that I have no interest to move back to Boston as much as I miss everyone and the city itself.
A few months ago I considered possible options of where I’d relocate to. I have no intentions in staying in California or SJ forever. It’ll be a lot easier to leave since I have no family and barely any friends here. To leave again would be a lot easier than the first time around. I’m giving it some more time before I really consider leaving. As to where I’m gonna go will be kept to myself. I have browsed at potential job opportunities out of state and applied to some as well. We shall see. I just have to find a better way of coping with all of this no matter how hard it has gotten for me. Last night I even browsed at flights to go visit home, but I was way too into my emotions at that moment. I still haven’t earned that privilege to hop my ass onto a plane and visit home. There’s still a lot of shit I need to accomplish out here. I’m just a bit frustrated with my efforts because that’s how bad I want to see my family and friends. I’m not expecting anyone to comfort me with telling me it’s gonna be okay. With where my emotions stand at the moment, I just want to hug someone tightly and cry it all out.
Anyways, bare with all of my bitching. I’m well aware of how annoying and how crazy I sound but I don’t give a fuck. Better for me to write it all out than to actually hear it.