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Monthly Archives: March 2014

Coldplay – Sparks

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, “Oh, sing one we know”,
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do.

I say “oh,”
I say “oh.”

My heart is yours,
It’s you that I hold on to,
That’s what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won’t let you down,
(Oh yeah, yeah, yes I will)

I say “oh”,
I cry “oh”.

And I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
And I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
Sing it out.

La, la, la, la, oh
La, la, la, la, oh
La, la, la, la, oh

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KeaneSomewhere Only We Know

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go?
So why don’t we go?

Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah

This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?

Everyone has their ways of coping with certain situations. As for me and how I currently am, I prefer to not talk to anyone. I already interact a lot with my coworkers during work. I like to spend the remainder of my time outside of work in peace. It’s nothing personal towards anyone. I just have nothing to say nor am I really in the mood to socialize. I just want to be alone with peace and quiet. I’d rather not discuss my feelings as I’m trying to forget it all. I’m already reminded enough as is when I sit in silence. I know it’s best to talk about it but right now for me I’d rather not. I already rant about it enough as is on here.

I’ve been spending a lot working out and trying to strengthen my body since I’m such an emotional wreck. At least I’m getting in shape even though emotionally I feel like total shit, right? I come to Communications Hill a lot to not only get a work out in but it’s just my place to come and cope with my feelings. Every time I’m done with my workout, I sit my ass on the bench or go stand by one of the balcony areas and just chill. I try to relax and ease my mind. It’s probably where I get a good reality check when I’m at that spot as my emotions just become so overwhelming for me. The waterworks come and I just want to get it all out of my system. I sometimes feel like I’m mourning something so tragic, when all it really is is that someone broke my heart. Whenever he comes to mind, I just feel so worthless about myself. I allowed him to come back every time just to crush me harder than the previous time. You’ve won.

Anyways, if I was back in Boston I would’ve already made a quick weekend trip to NY just to get away. I don’t have as much of an easy escape getaway to go to besides maybe LA or Vegas but I don’t care for those cities. I’ve already made some travel arrangements, even though it’s not exactly where I should even go but I don’t give a fuck. Not like he’ll notice. Hopefully I’ll have everything figured out and booked soon. I wish I had someone to join me but it’s probably best I go alone. It’ll be my first time really traveling by myself and not having any company at all. Usually I’ll either have at least one friend in the city I’m traveling to or I’m accompanied by 2-3 other people. It’ll be good for me. Plus, I miss packing my things and traveling especially to somewhere new. Maybe I’ll come back feeling better or worst. Who knows? Ironically I’m going closer to him yet I’m trying to cope. How contradicting, but whatever. Hope my plans goes well because I’m ready to pack my bags.

Tinashe – Middle of Nowhere

In the desert when I heard your name
In the desert sand where we would lay
In the desert sun I burned my face
You deserted me but you left the pain
When the sky turns into red
I’ll be out here on my own
Don’t forget I once called your heart my home
If the wind should ever change
Who’s to say that you will still be the same
But neither will I

In the desert where I saw your smile
In the desert sand where we would play
In the desert heat my tears will dry
You deserted me when you walked away

Middle of nowhere
(I’m livin in the)
Middle of nowhere yeah
(Stuck here livin in the)
Middle of nowhere
Won’t you come find me there ooh

In the desert where I lost my way
Where the wind blew sand and hid the road
Though the desert days are hard to bare
Still the desert nights are always cold

Middle of nowhere
(I’m livin in the)
Middle of nowhere yeah
(Stuck here livin in the)
Middle of nowhere
Won’t you come find me there
Mmm

This past week I started a new job. I was torn between two jobs I was getting hired for. Both companies liked me (but then again who wouldn’t haha jk), but there were pros and cons to both. The first company was out in the boonies and it wasn’t an amazing company even though I’d still be doing design. Perks of that company was that it was a permanent full time job. The second company is a 3 month contract, great company, amazing benefits, etc etc. So do you go with the stable income or take the risk in hopping on board another contract job? I am taking the risk in hoping that the company will keep me after my contract is over. I even had a hard time sleeping after trying to make a decision. As much as I prefer a stable, full time position, I had to go with my second option. I’d be a total idiot if I declined the offer. This experience in moving out here has been about taking risks, so why not?

My job is just 10-15 minute drive to work, so the commute is awesome and extremely convenient. I was hired along with 3 other designers. The company is in the process of rebuilding their design team. Currently with myself included there was 20 designers and the creative director is hoping to double that number eventually. So there is a chance I could be kept on board, but I don’t wanna get my hopes up. As for my first day it was awesome!! Since it was on St. Patrick’s Day they served corned beef for lunch. I have to say our cafeteria at work serves some pretty bomb food. My boss was nice and bought the  whole department lunch that day. We sat down together as a team, ate lunch and mingled. Everyone at this company is really nice and laid back. We joke around quite often which is nice. It isn’t such a stuffy environment. They believe in creating that family type of atmosphere at work especially during lunch so no one is left out but they are respectful of your privacy. So if you don’t want to eat lunch with us there’s definitely no hard feelings haha. Later that Monday evening, we went downstairs as a team and got some green beer since it was St. Patrick’s Day. That was my favorite part of the day haha.

The office itself is pretty awesome. Since we’re on the top floor, we have an outdoor patio where you can sit and do work or have lunch. We had lunch out there yesterday and it was pretty cool. There’s an amusement park nearby so we can see the roller coaster from the balcony haha. Apparently during the summer you can hear people screaming on the rides haha. Lots of free snacks and goodies at work, which is always awesome. The conference room is pretty awesome. There’s a white table which you can write on with dry erase markers haha. Apparently there’s several billiards tables in the other building. I am still anticipating the tour of that building!

Today we had a department meeting and we got to meet the new CEO. Really nice British dude. The company is in the process of rebranding so there’s a lot of exciting projects coming our way. As a designer it’s really a rewarding feeling to be on board of not only a brand new project, but to be a part of the company’s entire brand identity. There was definitely a lot of pressure placed on us today during the meeting, but I’m ready for the work and chaos lol. Pretty much we need to be sleeping and breathing the new brand guidelines, which is fine with me.

I love coming into work especially with such an amazing company. I love their esthetics and their high appreciation for their employees. I love my coworkers and to be working with such smart and talented designers. It’s very inspiring and motivating. I’m just really happy that I not only found a job again, but to be working with an amazing company and people. This moment makes me feel a lot happier and reassured in my decision in moving out to the west coast. 🙂

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As I mentioned in my last post I’ve been coming to Communications Hill to run. I had a relatively long yet good day but felt the need to fit in a run before bed time. I found myself feeling so hurt the harder and faster I ran. Each step of the way I felt so crushed. At one point I started walking it off and the waterworks came. I started running again so I wouldn’t cry anymore. I stopped at a spot that overlooked the neighborhood. That sadness was an instant rush as soon as I stood there staring into the darkness and the lights.

While I was standing there, I felt so pathetic to let such a coward affect me this badly. He definitely touched a place that no one has ever. It’s something you can’t describe or compare it to anything. I’ve been pushing my body pretty hard lately and nothing. No matter how fast I run, I can’t shake it off. I return to my car crying out loudly because there’s no point in exhausting my body any further. I’m just so frustrated with myself to condone it all. The more I cried, the hurt grew stronger.

I realized that all I ever wanted from him was to listen. From day one, I’ve always spoken up and was honest. I never demanded material things from him. I’m not that type of girl. I have too much pride for a man to throw materialistic items at me. I just wanted him to listen and to understand. That was something so priceless yet so hard to get. My words went in one ear and out the other. His way of acknowledging my words was “I know” or “sorry”. I was never trying to pull a guilt trip on him. I just wanted him to show me that he cared by telling me on his own will of what I wanted to hear. The little things like “good morning” or “I miss you”. I’ve tried being extra specific and detailed as well as dumbing it down but he still doesn’t get it and this point he won’t ever.

For now I’m gonna continue shaking it all off even though it’s gonna continue to hurt a lot. I am too good of a woman to have to beat myself up like this.

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These past couple of days I’ve been coming to Communications Hill to run and clear my mind. Before I go home, I sit at the bench admiring the view and awaiting for the sun to set. I do a lot of reflecting and try to sort out all of my thoughts. Eventually I get pretty emotional and a bit teary as I sit here with my sunglasses on to hide myself and my emotions. Trust me I’m well aware of how pathetic that sounds.

I honestly want to know what have I done so wrong to him to deserve this. I’m very heartbroken. I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life and I try to redeem myself by being such a good person. Yet I feel like I’m being punished by him. What did I ever do to him to be treated like this? I’m just a total sucker for him. He makes things difficult but I still stay because that’s how much I give a fuck. That’s why I like him and care about him so much because of how difficult he is. I cherish and accept him for all of his flaws. I don’t stay because I should but because I want to, which makes me such an idiot. Most people wouldn’t have tolerated all of his shit like I have, but that’s how important he is to me and for me to want him to have a place in my life. My close friend asked me how do I deal with it? I just do.

I feel like this time around has to be the absolute worst. That day I felt so blessed and lucky to have him again. I remember going to bed feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I felt like I got my “happy” back. Thinking back to it, it really just felt like a dream. I really feel like I got punked and there’s not enough words to begin to describe how hurt I am. I haven’t been able to sleep well because of him. I don’t know what else to say or to do for him because I’ve pretty much been talking to myself. He’s made me feel so worthless as a woman and even more unappreciated than before. It’s my fault that I allowed this all to happen. My guard went down for him and I put my pride aside for him.

He sure knows how to get a girl’s hopes up. Like I said I feel like I’ve been punked and I wish for this sick joke to end already. There’s nothing that he can say to mend anything. I heard the last speech and here I am feeling the way that I do. I’m awaiting for your next “newsletter” because that’s all you’re good at, as well as fucking around with me. All the things I’ve asked of him was so difficult and I’m a very low maintenance girl. I don’t know which part he didn’t understand or if any part.

I’m just a wreck and you will never understand what you’ve done to me. “Sorry” has lost its meaning like you said yourself but this time indefinitely. Apologies don’t mean shit to me anymore no matter how sincere you can make it sound. All I wanted was for him to be about it and not talk about it. Actions speaks louder than words, but at this point you can do whatever you want since that’s what you’ve been doing. I’m not in second and third place when it comes to his priorities, but just at the very bottom. I’ve accepted the fact that I am worthless to him and everything/everyone in his life matters but me. To have any of his time and attention is a lot to ask for. I’m sure he’s made more time on social media than for me, which is extremely insulting and a total slap in the face. Tell me if there’s any other woman that would stay by your side like I have. I’m just his punching bag and that is all I’ll ever be to the most selfish man I’ve ever cared so deeply for. I feel like I’ve been dealing with a really good sales man because I keep going back for the “great deals”.

My words and myself means nothing to such a selfish man like himself. Crazy and stupid part is, I’m still pulling through for him to prove me wrong and hoping he’ll come around. At this point it doesn’t matter if I walk away or not because I doubt he’ll notice or even fight for me to keep me. At least I gave my all and that’s all the matters.