The title to this post is pretty self explanatory. I’m heartbroken. As time passed by, I felt like every bit of my heart was being torn a part. It wasn’t because of one specific person or incident. It was a number of things. This was the pain I felt just a couple of years ago with the ending of my extremely long term relationship. I try my best not to let it affect me and I do whatever I can to distract my mind. Yet all it really takes is one little thing to trigger the memories. I’m not heartbroken because of a relationship. I’m heartbroken because of how cruel people have been towards me, whether it’s been a friend or foe. I’m very lonely, sensitive and vulnerable at this point. I’ve accepted the fact that although my career is picking up recently, I’m just meant to be alone with no friends or significant other. I’m meant to just over work myself and to be alone. To make me feel even worst than I do already was to have my supposed one friend from here just leave me hanging. I understand not everyone can be there for you, but this person is just basically unreliable. I think that was the icing on the cake. I felt lonely as is, but man did she really put the cherry on top. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I just believe that every person I meet is a bad person. The good people that I do have in my life are all the way back at home and like I’ve mentioned on several occasions, I wish they were here with me.
The other night, my friend here successfully managed to make me feel awkward and shitty. Before I headed home, I texted my friend back at home who’s like an older sister to me, and told her how I was feeling. She FaceTime-ed me once I got home and parked my car. I didn’t bother getting out of the car. The waterworks came out as soon as I went deep about my feelings. I had a total meltdown in my car on a Friday night. How pathetic does that sound? But I don’t give a fuck. It was pretty much the last straw for me with dealing with the people from here. I cried more seeing my “sister” tear up a bit while watching me cry hysterically. I told her how I’ve been trying to forget everything and to stay busy and focused with work, but c’mon I have 5 out of the 7 days in the week to stay so occupied. The weekend is torture for me. I get really sad when I’m asked such a simple question: “what are you doing this weekend?” I feel so pathetic when I reply with “nothing”. I get a bit sad hearing of other people’s weekend festivities even if it’s not doing much. At least they have someone. The other day someone said to me how I shouldn’t kill myself with work, but it’s really the last thing that’s saving my sanity. If I have to burn myself out from work then I will.
This whole time I just want to be saved from all of this but it’s a bit too late. I couldn’t even save myself. I know I’ll be fine. I’ve just hit rock bottom big time.