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Monthly Archives: December 2013

Modest MouseFloat On

It’s definitely been quite a year for me. I honestly feel like I finally got to live my life the way I want to live it. Back at home in Boston I was independent and did things on my own terms, but I had a ton of responsibilities when it came to my parents. I always felt guilty to move because of them, but I’m glad I pushed that aside. Although I spent most of the year being unemployed (which isn’t anything that I’m too proud of), I managed to make the time to plan my move and to travel. Before when I used to work, I barely made the time to travel. The only traveling I did was to NY and that wasn’t too hard to get to. I decided I needed to see more on the east coast and visit some places that I haven’t been to in awhile before I move. I had the chance to revisit Philly and reconnect with an ex-boyfriend who’s still a friend of mines today. I got to indulge in the bomb food and enjoy the architecture of Chicago. It was even better that I got to go to Chicago twice this year since it was one of my stops during my move. Never would I have ever guessed I’d just pack up my things, get in my car and drive across the country. My move didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, but it was definitely a great experience.

One of the things I won’t ever forget is when I was helping out at my parent’s business. I managed their business that day and it was practically just me all over the place taking care of things. I remember how physically exhausted I was and how I almost broke down crying because I worked that hard. Some customers were bitchy, but some understood and saw how I was doing the best I can. This one girl who I was chatting with was really nice to me. She came in with her boyfriend after things had quieted down. I was telling them how they missed the chaos and came right in time now that things had finally quieted down. We talked about random stuff and then somehow we got on the topic of me moving or something. That part is still fuzzy to me. But I remember speaking passionately about the purpose of me moving to Cali and what my career is. Never did we once tell each other our names. She just watched me clean tables and carry a huge tray full of dishes to the kitchen. Like this huge pile was hurting my arms and my back. My feet were aching. I was just so exhausted and it was pretty obvious that I was gonna pass out any minute lol. After she paid I came by the table and asked if they needed anything else, and they were gracious and said no and just smiled and handed me the bill. I said thanks and went about my duties…until I looked at how much she tipped me. Man I felt so bad but I was very grateful. It really didn’t matter how much she gave me, but for her to understand why I was working that hard to get my move going. That memory will always stick with me.

I felt like this year I really saw who my friends were and I must say the quality is definitely better than the quantity. My social circle has decreased and that’s fine. I’m very happy to have amazing, supportive friends that’s dealt with my shit especially with me here in Cali being upset. I try to hold onto those friendships the most since I definitely lack a social life here. It makes me happy to talk to any of my close friends from back at home when they get the chance to out of their busy schedule. I’ll never forget how each of my different groups of friends came together for my going away party at the usual bar we tend to go to. I’m glad they got to meet each other and have a good time with me before I left. But even for those that didn’t go was fine with me. Enjoying dinner and drinks with some of them was just a great. I definitely miss dining out after work or grabbing a beer with a friend and just hanging out.

I definitely went through an extremely emotional roller coaster this year due to a couple of personal reasons. I was a total wreck and it’s worst having my own friends from home witnessing my meltdowns and hearing me cry. There’s many things I need to conquer and to get myself to a much more stable place. I wish I had that pen in “Men In Black” where it just flashes and you forget everything. But that would make the solutions to my problems way too easy. I just need more time to heal.

As for my “plans” for NYE, I don’t have any at the moment. I wrapped up my last day at my job today which was bittersweet. For once I didn’t cry about leaving a job lol. I tried my best not to get attached although I enjoyed the work and my coworkers a lot, but it was only a short term position and it’s what I signed myself up for. Right now I’m just sitting in bed with my robe on after I showered and now waiting on laundry to be done. I picked up some beer and wine, and damn I wish I went this morning to buy liquor. Fricken chaos at the grocery store right now. I might hang out with my friend P that I was with on Christmas, but I’m not really in the mood to drive anywhere where there’s tons of people are out drinking nor do I really wanna be in that loud party scene. Yet a part of me is telling me to suck it up and just go lol. We’ll see. I kinda wanna just stay home and have a quiet night with a glass of wine and a movie on deck.

My new Moleskine notebook for 2014 and I have my new year's resolutions attached :) ...and don't judge my bed time reading!!

My new Moleskine notebook for 2014 and I have my new year’s resolutions attached 🙂 …and don’t judge my bed time reading!!

Do I have any new year’s resolutions? YUP. I wrote them down on a sticky note in my new small Moleskine notebook. Some of the things I have on there is to take better care of my health, educate myself more on certain things in design, try dragon boat since I haven’t had the chance yet, etc. My favorite one on my list is to write down something good everyday and put it in a jar, so at the end of 2014 I can reflect on all the good things that happened whether it was I had a good time going out, just being grateful of something, or even if I have a bad day I have to write something good. I definitely want to make more use of my DSLR and maybe try to get myself to learn more on video editing. I know one of my first assignments for the new year is to do a lot of web design stuff and mobile app design. I’m excited.

Anyways, hope everyone has a happy and safe new year! Maybe less bitching in my posts for the new year haha. 🙂

Kim Hyun JoongBecause I’m Stupid (acoustic)

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … maybe one day we’ll be two people meeting again for the first time. Maybe things would turn out a lot different than it has already. I find myself constantly thinking about you and I shouldn’t. I still don’t know what it is that keeps me hooked on you, but there’s something. Something was always there when it came to you and I’m not sure if it’ll ever go away. There’s been so many times where I wished you were here to protect me and comfort me with all the bad things that has happened. Every time I needed someone I wished it was you to tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

Hope you’re well and don’t be a stranger. Take care babe…

Turns out my Christmas movie marathon didn’t happen last night after I wrote last night’s post. One of my friend’s from back at home, P, who now lives in Cali asked me to hang out since we were both home alone for Christmas. P and I haven’t seen each other in nearly 3 years since he moved out to Cali to fulfill his career as an architect. We were never close but we hung out with the same group of friends and we always had a good time. He’s a really nice and fun guy. I reached out to him recently since I forgot that he lived in the Bay Area and gave him the heads up that I’m here in Cali as well.

Anyways, I was really excited to get out of the house and see a familiar face. It’s extremely refreshing when you’re in a place not knowing anyone, but then you see someone you know. It’s just comforting. P and I did a lot of catching up. I explained to him of my social situation here and he understood how I felt. He’s probably right that it’s just people in SJ sucks, but I’d like to think it’s everyone and not just SJ since I’m stubborn like that.

After chatting away, he was really nice and made us dinner since it was Christmas and our dining options were extremely limited haha. After dinner we decided to make s’mores, which I haven’t had in forever. So we thought we ran out of chocolate so we ventured off to find some. But after we bought some we found a chocolate bar IN the box with the graham crackers. Son of a bitch! Lol. Finally having all of our ingredients we just ended up playing around with these insanely massive marshmellows that P has haha. It was so funny.

During our chocolate bar mission, we drove around and he showed me this neighborhood that has really nice Christmas lights. Apparently one of the streets in the neighborhood with lights can sync with your radio. I don’t know. So we were driving around this neighborhood and I guess there were several drivers doing the same thing lol. Although we failed to find the street, it was pretty fun.

After hanging out and watching some Aziz Ansari on Netflix, it was time for me to go home. I was so sleepy and dreading the drive home. So glad the drive wasn’t bad at all. For once I felt like myself again after hanging out with P. I felt genuinely happy and haven’t had that much fun since C came to visit San Francisco. It was a great way to end the last couple of hours of Christmas. I felt a lot of reassurance and comfort after talking to P as we shared our Cali experiences. Surprisingly throughout the whole time we hung out there was no awkwardness between us especially since we’re not close at all and we don’t really know each other that well, besides partying with our mutual friends haha. He was supportive during our discussion and that’s all I needed. He understood the type of shitty people I was dealing with and how difficult it has been for me. It was nice to have a Bostonian’s perspective on the people here and I stand correctly, I’m not a crazy bitch and that Californians are different from us folks in the east coast. Anyways, that sense of comfort from a friend, whether or not if we’re close friends or acquaintances.

It was a great Christmas night. 🙂

 

Merry Christmas everyone! Well this is my first year away from home during the holidays. It has been hard on me since I’m here all by myself. It’s even more of a bummer that I’m missing out on the holiday festivities back at home, but I’ll deal with it. I was a total emotional mess on Thanksgiving, but so far I’m holding up pretty well today. Although I can’t buy my friends any Christmas gifts, I sent my close friends Christmas cards. I personally selected each of their cards rather than buying a box set of cards. So that was quite pricey, but well worth it. It made me really happy when they contacted me that they had received their cards. Recently I received Christmas cards from close friends back at home. One card came all the way from Australia from one of my close friend’s that recently moved there. Reading each of their cards definitely tugged on my heart strings. I felt so blessed to have such amazing friends back at home that’s been extremely supportive and comforting. Yesterday the waterworks really came out after I checked my door step and saw that my close friend sent me TimTam’s after I had just mentioned about them the other day to her. I thought that was really sweet. I would’ve thought my friend in Australia would’ve sent them to me since I did make a request amongst many of our friends from back at home haha. I guess you can say I was so overwhelmed by my friends kindness since people here haven’t treated me so well. I do get extremely emotional when someone is nice to me just because I’ve gotten used to being treated like shit here by everyone in this shit hole state. I am generally a total sucker for simple and sentimental things like cards and letters. Those are the best gifts. C’mon I’m not a hard girl to please.

Anyways, my Christmas is consisting of being a total bum at home. Nothing new there. Cooked myself an semi-epic breakfast this morning.

Love turkey bacon!

Love turkey bacon!

Been watching some shows and movies. Nothing too exciting. Tonight, I plan on having a full out Christmas movie marathon consisting of:

– Home Alone 1 & 2 (classics!!)
– The Holiday (one of my fav movies!) 🙂
– Elf (maybe)
– Love, Actually (never seen it)
– The Santa Clause (maybe)
– The Nightmare Before Christmas (classic!!)

It was nice that I got to Skype with my parents last night on Christmas Eve. I felt guilty the entire day…well more like the closer Christmas was approaching the heavier the guilt weighed on me. Every year I help out at my parent’s business. It’s basically a routine that I’ve acquired over the past 10 years. I felt horrible to be here relaxing while they’re back at home busting their ass. I saw and heard how exhausted they were during our Skype conversation. That was a feeling I knew I’d dread so much moving out here. Home clearly isn’t as easily accessible unless if I moved to New York, which was one of my original plans. The first thing I did on Christmas Eve was to go to temple and just pray for my parents. I felt a bit of relief after going and when I spoke to them, I told them how I prayed for them. They were really happy that I did that for them. Little do they know I pray for them and everyone else back at home everyday.

It’s hard for me to “enjoy” this holiday with no company. You get accustomed to the silence and lack of company. Holiday or not, I’d still be at home by myself with no one here in Cali. I was invited over to my flakey friend’s for homemade pho yesterday, but I politely declined. They asked me twice to go over and I just said no thanks. The invite was a kind gesture, but I honestly don’t want to be around another person’s family seeing them enjoy this holiday, making memories, opening gifts, and etc. It really hurts me so much that I can’t even do that with my family. So I’d rather not be there and pretend that I’m having a good time.

I remember how last year in December, I got to go see the Nutcracker live for the first time. Attended friend’s holiday get togethers and potlucks. I miss all those things that I used to be able to do back at home. It does make me upset that I have no one to enjoy doing those things with here. Today is suppose to be a happy day and I won’t take that from my close friends or anyone back at home to let them know how sad I am. I’m just glad everyone back at home is happy and safe back at home. That’s all that matters to me. They’re all the perfect gift to me.

Mindy Gledhill – I’m Ok

I couldn’t catch my breath
And you haven’t seen me yet
I turn to hide
I caught your eye

Your face had that telling look
Reading me like a book
All my mysteries
Blown in the breeze

And my face smiles
But inside I’m a mess
And I can’t find the words

I’m ok, I’m ok
Just as long as you stay
Far away from me, baby
We’re so yesterday

So don’t say that
You’ll love me tomorrow
If you don’t today

The sound of your voice too soon
Opens my deepest wound
As you move towards me
Beneath October leaves

I know just what you’ll say
And you’re still ten feet away
We’ve been here before
We’ve walked through this door

And with every foot step 
I feel your arms pull me in

I’m ok, I’m ok
Just as long as you stay
Far away from me, baby
We’re so yesterday

So don’t say that
You’ll love me tomorrow
If you don’t today

Oh
Just when I think I’m alright
I dig deep inside for the strength
To say right to your face

I’m ok, I’m ok
Just as long as you stay
Far away from me, baby
We’re so yesterday

So don’t say that
You’ll love me tomorrow
If you don’t today

So don’t say, so don’t say
Don’t you dare play this game
You can turn right around
And keep walking away

And don’t tell me
You’ll love me tomorrow
If you don’t today

If you don’t today
If you don’t today

Moon Myung Jin – Crying Again (The Heirs OST)

I look at you, I look at you but you’re getting farther away
I beg, I cling but you’re getting farther away

Even my scratched up scars know
So without saying a single word
I just look at you, who is leaving

Crying again, crying again, my love who I loved like my own life
Crying again, crying again, I try to steady my heart and hold it in but love is crying again

You’re leaving, you’re leaving
Without a word, you’re leaving me

I should have cared for you a little more
I should have loved you a little more
A regretful love is leaving me

Crying again, crying again, my love who I loved like my own life
Crying again, crying again, I try to steady my heart and hold it in but love is crying again

I call, call, call out to you
I hold and hold onto you but you turn away
It hurts so much that I can’t breathe

Crying again, crying again

Letting you go, letting you go, I’m letting go of you, who is strengthlessly leaving
Letting you go, letting you go, I’m strenghlessly letting go of this foolish love

The title to this post is pretty self explanatory. I’m heartbroken. As time passed by, I felt like every bit of my heart was being torn a part. It wasn’t because of one specific person or incident. It was a number of things. This was the pain I felt just a couple of years ago with the ending of my extremely long term relationship. I try my best not to let it affect me and I do whatever I can to distract my mind. Yet all it really takes is one little thing to trigger the memories. I’m not heartbroken because of a relationship. I’m heartbroken because of how cruel people have been towards me, whether it’s been a friend or foe. I’m very lonely, sensitive and vulnerable at this point. I’ve accepted the fact that although my career is picking up recently, I’m just meant to be alone with no friends or significant other. I’m meant to just over work myself and to be alone. To make me feel even worst than I do already was to have my supposed one friend from here just leave me hanging. I understand not everyone can be there for you, but this person is just basically unreliable. I think that was the icing on the cake. I felt lonely as is, but man did she really put the cherry on top. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I just believe that every person I meet is a bad person. The good people that I do have in my life are all the way back at home and like I’ve mentioned on several occasions, I wish they were here with me.

The other night, my friend here successfully managed to make me feel awkward and shitty. Before I headed home, I texted my friend back at home who’s like an older sister to me, and told her how I was feeling. She FaceTime-ed me once I got home and parked my car. I didn’t bother getting out of the car. The waterworks came out as soon as I went deep about my feelings. I had a total meltdown in my car on a Friday night. How pathetic does that sound? But I don’t give a fuck. It was pretty much the last straw for me with dealing with the people from here. I cried more seeing my “sister” tear up a bit while watching me cry hysterically. I told her how I’ve been trying to forget everything and to stay busy and focused with work, but c’mon I have 5 out of the 7 days in the week to stay so occupied. The weekend is torture for me. I get really sad when I’m asked such a simple question: “what are you doing this weekend?” I feel so pathetic when I reply with “nothing”. I get a bit sad hearing of other people’s weekend festivities even if it’s not doing much. At least they have someone. The other day someone said to me how I shouldn’t kill myself with work, but it’s really the last thing that’s saving my sanity. If I have to burn myself out from work then I will.

This whole time I just want to be saved from all of this but it’s a bit too late. I couldn’t even save myself. I know I’ll be fine. I’ve just hit rock bottom big time.