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Monthly Archives: November 2013

Well first off hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving! As for mines, it was very uneventful which was fine with me. I just wanted to relax and cook myself a bomb meal today haha. My main thing was to cook myself stuff I don’t usually eat. For example breakfast I usually have oatmeal. But not today haha. I rarely ever eat bacon but I bought some turkey bacon recently and that was the closest thing to turkey I can get for today. Got fancy with my salad and tossed in some salmon. Forgot tomatoes and avocados but still bomb! I never buy beef so I thought I’d cook myself good ole steak. Been awhile since I’ve had steak anyways. There was no way I was gonna buy a turkey and eat it all by myself.

Last night before bed I made a to do list of things to get done during the long weekend. Mainly wanted to do it all today so I could really enjoy the weekend. It’s been awhile. There were some things I’ve been meaning to get done but it’s been postponed or I forgot. Got to catch up on some shows. I thought about working out today but……….NO lol. I’ll save that for tomorrow or the weekend. I’m actually considering on going on a hike or something active.

My plan for volunteering on Thanksgiving was a total bust by the way. I also considered volunteering on Christmas too since Thanksgiving is full and nope. That’s not gonna happen either lol. So much for trying to do a good deed haha. Didn’t realized how quickly those slots fill up so quickly here in this area. I feel like usually most places would be scrambling and looking for help. I guess not here in the Bay.

When I woke up this morning I immediately started spamming majority of the people in my contacts with Thanksgiving greetings. As I was going down the list the homesickness definitely kicked in. I had a feeling that some time throughout the day I was gonna get upset. DING DING DING! That happened after I cooked my dinner. I just sat there and stared at my plate. I was dreading dinner time so bad because I knew this was gonna happen. I felt very unhappy to attempt to enjoy this home cooked meal by myself. I just got teary and broke down. All I thought about was my family and friends. What made me the most upset was that my parents chose to work today and a huge amount of guilt kicked in. I wish I was back at home to spend time with them rather than them working. They already work 364 days a year. I just felt horrible. I felt really sad not being able to be at home and hop from one friend’s house to another’s just to hang out. It was a very lonely holiday, but I’m fine now. I know I’ll feel this way again once Christmas approaches and after that my birthday.

Besides the lack of company and loneliness, I’m just happy that parents and all of my friends back at home are happy and healthy. That’s all that matters to me. Maybe next year I’ll have a much more epic Thanksgiving.

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A Great Big World feat. Christina AguileraSay Something

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

I’ve whined enough about work in my recent posts. After many sleepless nights and mid-day meltdowns, I just stopped doing my work. I pretty much just said “FUCK THIS!” lol. This past week I’ve slacked off big time. I am disappointed in myself for being this way and I’ve never ever been like this when it comes to work. But I grew so sick of this shit. So I started job searching again this past week. I was more motivated to leave my current position and look for another opportunity, even if it’s short term. Within the past week, things turned around quickly. Great news is I got hired for a short term freelance position. I pretty much got hired right on the spot prior to my interview. The woman that interviewed me really enjoyed my work and gave me many compliments. I felt a lot of confidence again as a designer since my current employer has been quite discouraging. I got to meet the current designer that is leaving and he’s a cool guy. We exchanged business cards and I got to meet a couple of my prospective coworkers. Pretty much a total sausage fest at my new job lol. I’m looking forward to being in an office environment and just to be able to interact with my coworkers ..that isn’t through Skype, phone calls or e-mails. I’m really excited.

So am I gonna quit my current job before I start the new one? Nope. As much as I dislike my company and my boss, I am gonna bite my tongue a bit longer and just continue working. It’ll be a great opportunity to indulge myself in work. It’s what I wanted. I haven’t done much during my own personal time ever since I started working. Literally, I sleep, eat, breathe work non stop. I pretty much wake up and go to bed with my laptop next to me. It’s been refreshing to step away from doing any work on my laptop. I think I really needed that break. Will my new job conflict with the old? I hope not, but I will work around it. Pretty much gonna be doing work when I come home from work. That’s the plan. I’m confident in this decision and I am determined I will get projects completed for both jobs. It will be overwhelming but I’m doing whatever it’s gonna take to get myself back to the top again.

I find these opportunities in my career as a great way to stay busy. Since my social life has pretty much disintegrated since my move here, I just want to bury myself in work. I want to forget about the bad people and bad experiences I’ve come across since I’ve been here. I’m tired of my efforts with everything and everyone. I just want to forget about everything and everyone. I want to subside all of the loneliness I’ve been feeling. I want to work hard and rebuild the life I had back in Boston. That was my main goal for my move and I’m sticking to it. It’s just strictly business from here on out. The only socializing I’ll do is if I attend a networking event, and that’s that. I need to change and adapt. I’ve been surrounded by lazy and unambitious people here and I’d honestly rather be working like a mad woman than to let their laziness rub off onto me. It’s just very unattractive quality to me. Not to say I’m better than them in any way, but I’d also rather not associate myself with people that lack any motivation in life to better themselves whether it’s their career or personal growth. I am intrigued by very dedicated and passionate people. Unfortunately the people I’ve met here aren’t impressed by people like that. I’m just thankful that my parents and friends back at home are supportive and happy for me. It’s all I need.

After my successful interview, I had to head to San Francisco for a quick meeting. Driving into the city felt like home to me. I wasn’t around for too long, but I felt comforted by the atmosphere of the city. Therefore it’s another goal for me to possibly move closer to the city at a point. Well lets see if I’ll even want to stay in Cali for a long time. I know for sure that I have no intentions of staying here in SJ forever.

Anyways, I commend all work and no play! Embracing workaholic mode and just really not giving a fuck about anyone or anything anymore.

Park Shin HyeStory

Maybe the wind pitied me and is crushingly embracing me
Maybe the wind wants to be friends and follows me because it’s always alone

No matter how much I smile, saying that I’m alright

So tell me a story So tell me your sadness
You shake up my heart, not leaving it alone
So tell me a story I know that you’re sorry
Knocking on my heart that even I hid from myself
So tell me a story

The wind passes by my eyes
Telling me to cry if I want to, pretending it’s the wind’s fault

No matter how much I say I’m alright

So tell me a story So tell me your sadness
You shake up my heart, not leaving it alone
So tell me a story I know that you’re sorry
Knocking on my heart that even I hid from myself
So tell me a story

So tell me a story So tell me your sadness
You tear up my heart, making me cry
So tell me a story I know that you’re sorry
You ask me about my sadness that is hidden behind the moonlight
That long story

__________________________________________

Not even the hottest cup of coffee or amount of layers I wear can take away how cold you’ve been.  Yet I’m still hopeful and waiting babe.

It’s always refreshing to get complimented or at least some kind of recognition for not only your appearance or work ethics, but you’re overall character. Of course not many people here realize the type of person I am. Shit, even people back at home barely know anything about me unless we’re close friends. As for the acquaintances and the social scene I used to be in, I was just someone that you can have fun and party with and someone that had a big liver for alcohol haha. That’s all those people knew about. People could careless who I really was. I was more than just a party girl. It’s not hard for me to get approached and to hold a conversation with a stranger but do they really know what kind of person I am? In my opinion anyone and everyone can be nice. It’s not that difficult, but there’s many ugly sides of people as well. As for me (and everyone too!), we all have our flaws. It’s now 4 months since I’ve been here in Cali and I find it hard for me to really let people in and to let them know me better. My guard is up and I trust no one. When everyone treats you like shit here, could you blame me to be that way? Nope.

Anyways, about a month ago a mutual friend of mines had contacted me. We’ll call him AZ since the other person I’m gonna mention, his name also begins with an A haha. So somewhere through the grape vine AZ found out that I had moved to Cali. I was pretty low key about my move. Only my parents and select close friends knew of my move. Eventually people got the hint that I wasn’t in Boston any more. I had deleted a lot of contacts in my phone because I either don’t talk to you or I don’t care to talk to you. I deleted AZ’s number because I barely ever saw him and we hardly spoke. No hard feelings towards him at all. Very nice guy. He had contacted me mentioning he heard that I had moved to Cali and questioned my moving process and experience here so far since he’s considering on relocating, too.

The conversation drifted towards another direction where he just began venting to me about personal issues in his life. I really felt for the guy. I was in the same position as him and I reassured him he wasn’t alone in having those type of feelings. It’s always comforting to know someone else was in the same shoes as you. I gave him the best advice that I could. After our ongoing text messages began to wind down, I sent him a final text just simply saying to him that even though we hardly know each other, he can always contact me about anything and I’ll do my best to be there and listen. Honestly I would say this to anyone, whether we’re family, close friends, acquaintances or even strangers. I know what it’s like to have to bottle it all up inside and to not have anyone to confide in. When I put that kind of offer out there I mean it whole heartedly and I’m very sincere about it.

He didn’t reply as quickly and I just continued going about my business. Then all of a sudden I finally got a reply and saw this:

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Reading something like that made me feel really great about myself. I don’t think I’m some kind of saint but for someone that hardly knew me to recognize that I’m a good person meant a lot to me. I actually smiled and got teary when I read that haha. Seriously, people here has managed to make me feel so shitty about myself that to read something like that from someone back at home meant a lot to me. It reassured myself that I wasn’t a crazy, anti social bitch or a shitty person. That feeling of being an outcast went away …temporarily haha.

So now here’s AM. I couldn’t sleep last night after being heavily addicted in the new K-drama I was watching, I like to browse through Twitter when I’m in bed. AM tweets here and there, and I like reading his tweets. He’s a really funny and smart guy and those qualities definitely peeks through on his Twitter haha. He’s also another person who I rarely saw and we knew each other through mutual friends. He’s always hilarious and nice whenever I do see him. This dude is always smiling and just being goofy. Nonetheless, very entertaining guy haha. Here’s our mini Twitter conversation:

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When I woke up this morning and saw his reply, that put a smile on my face. With all the melt downs and stress I’ve been dealing with that was just something really nice to see especially in the morning. Mind you both these guys from back at home don’t know too much about me, but it was just very nice and sweet to read something like that.

I think every now and then we all want to hear something nice from someone. It makes your day go by smoother and it definitely uplifts your mood. Although these put a temporary smile on my face, it makes me feel even better to know that I’m not forgotten about by some people back at home …even those that I’m not close to.

Maybe one day people here (or in general) will recognize these qualities about myself without me having to say too much. Can’t reveal everything, ya know?

Although I’ve only been with my company for about a month now, I’ve come to the point where I can say … I hate my fucking job haha. Well more like the company than the position itself. I love being a graphic designer, but man this company blows. I’ve enjoyed every past position I’ve taken on and have always enjoyed and taken pride in the work I’ve done. There are many up’s and down’s with every job and of course stress comes along with it too. But man I really dread this shit lol. I’ve never felt this way about a job before but I’m at the point where I don’t give a fuck anymore. I feel like I’m not getting rewarded for all the hard work I’ve done this past month. I’ve hauled so much ass to get projects done, lost a lot more sleep, and my boss treats me like shit. Work has pretty much taken up my life. I’ve had nights where I’ve knocked out in bed with my head resting on my laptop. I’m not expecting a cookie or something for every time I get something done, but some respect as a designer and as a person would be greatly appreciated. There has been instances where my boss has been disrespectful and crossed some personal boundaries, but I still suck it up and just get my shit done. I generally take a lot of pride in my work and I’m pretty serious when it comes to my career, but this shit …sighs lol.

I hate it when people assume that freelancing is great. Yeah, it has it perks and great flexibility, but I seriously hate freelancing lol. I don’t know how much more shit I can tolerate. I’m at the point where I just want to break my contract and find a better opportunity. I am extremely burnt out from this job and I’ve had multiple melt downs during the week because of my work load, restlessness, and stress. It’s very overwhelming and no matter what I do to prioritize better, I can’t see my work load decreasing at all. I’m trying my best to tough it out and bite my tongue. I’m just very frustrated. I’ve decided to keep my options open and started applying to a few companies. I know my worth and I know it’ll be appreciated else where. This coming week there’s gonna be a couple networking events and I’m definitely gonna take advantage of it.

I just feel like this job has been taken me a few steps backwards than forward. Must suck it up and stay patient!!

This will obviously be my first year spending the holidays out here in California. I have to say as much as I dislike the holidays, it’s even worst when you really don’t have any company to spend it with. I’m actually bummed out that I won’t be at my parent’s and having some of my mom’s turkey this Thanksgiving. Actually, I won’t be having any turkey at all this year. I’ve already missed my friend’s annual Thanksgiving potluck back at home and that was always an event I looked forward to going to. It’s a rare occasion for all of my friends and I to get together so I always tried my best to go.

Although I’ve told myself I won’t be returning back to Boston maybe until next year to visit, I’ve browsed at flights just for the hell of it. So far the prices aren’t bad at all for the dates I want to go. I’ve even browsed at other destinations, but I still don’t feel comfortable traveling due to my current financial matters. Plus, it’s no fun to go somewhere by myself. I wish I had one of my friends to come along with me. It’s no fun exploring something by yourself. I’m all about sharing experiences and memories with good company.

Anyways, I’ve definitely considered volunteering on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Just something to keep me occupied. I really don’t want to sit at home like a total Scrooge. I’m browsing for local events and activities as well. I was invited over to a friend of mines for Thanksgiving out in Stockton, so maybe I’ll take him up on that offer. Not sure yet. As sweet and kind of an offer my friend put out there for me, personally I wouldn’t feel as comfortable. I just wish it was easier to be in the company of my family and friends back at home.

I want to try my best to keep my mind occupied and to avoid feeling any homesickness. Well some of those feelings has already kicked in. I know I’ve been a total emotional wreck this past month. I’ll get over it. I just need to hang in there and to try to look on the brighter side of things. I’ve thought of a few things to do to make it an “exciting” holiday for myself, but once again like I said already I’m all about sharing experiences and memories with good company.

I’ll figure something out.