I’m at such a fork in the road in my life right now. The job search continues to be a struggle as the job market is quite sluggish at the moment. I lay in bed every night with so many scattered thoughts in my mind. It’s a very uneasy feeling for me and my body has gotten used to this tense feeling, mentally and physically, that it’s gotten harder for me to destress and relax. It’s taken a larger toll on my health, which elevates the stress even more. I’m constantly trying to figure things out. Trying to strategize and devise a new plan as for what step to take next. I’m overwhelmed, scared, and disappointed. I know I have to be patient and keep things moving forward, but at the same time I’m considering my other options here in the west coast.
People have asked me on a number of occasions if I’ve given myself a deadline due to my current situation. The answer has been no. Although I have thought that a 6 month deadline for myself seems appropriate. I’ve come to a realization maybe I’ve made a wrong move. Maybe I’m in the wrong area. I’ve thought it over and as much as I don’t want to, I’ve considered moving again. Back to the east coast? No. I’m considering a few places that will remained unnamed for now, but we’ll see. I can’t rush into any conclusions. There’s already so many things running through my mind. I need to think things through and be cautious of my next move.
The love and support I get from family and friends from back at home on a daily basis has been very endearing. Yet from a distance it can only provide a certain amount of comfort momentarily. I see myself slowly shutting down on people. I’m tired of reassuring those back in the east coast or even my one friend here that I’m okay. Truth is I’m really not. I see that I’m losing a piece of myself everyday and I’m trying to hold onto it all before I lose myself entirely. I need to relax and tell myself to be patient. I’m much more irritable now and the positivity is gradually going down the drain. I’m very hard on myself and it’s just how I am. I go to bed every night feeling like a big disappointment to not only myself, but to my parents and friends back at home.
I hate having to discuss with anyone of how my job search is going. It puts me in a horrible mood and to be unemployed for almost a year has really mind fucked me so bad. I’ve been doing whatever I can to discipline myself again and really get shit cranking. I attend design events where I can network with other designers in the area as well as to gain some motivation and inspiration. I’m sad because I feel like a tiny bit of me is losing the passion I once had. I know it’s still there but not as strongly as before. I’m doing my best to stay driven and determined. That’s my worst fear …to lose that passion. I can’t allow that to happen.
Like I’ve mentioned to friends and others before, I feel like I am one of the very few people that can say that they truly and genuinely love their job. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love every project that I’ve had an opportunity to work on, big or small. I take pride in my work and it’s the most rewarding “pay check” to me. An actual pay check or any kind of salary is just a bonus to me. That’s the mentality I’ve always had when it came to design. I don’t question my career at all. I know this is what I want to do and I’m just here fighting for what I want. I’ve gone through struggles in my career at the beginning and I’m reliving it all over again due to the fact that I had relocated.
I need to come to terms that change is what I wanted, so change is what I got. This is a part of the whole relocation process. I’ve sacrificed a lot and given up everything back at home to be here. Not many people will understand that feeling. I try my best to see this experience as a fresh start in my personal life and for my career. I’m a stubborn woman and I need to accept this change. As you can tell, change isn’t something so easy for myself to accept.
Anyways, enough of the ranting. I had to get it off of my chest. Time to haul ass and grind out new projects. I will succeed and go visit the east coast when I’ve accomplished my goal. For now, travels to the east coast or anywhere in general will be held off. Can’t reward myself if I haven’t achieved anything…yet.