Outcast

As childish and needy as this may sound, a hug would be great right now. I feel like all this loneliness is getting to me each day. The more I speak with my family and friends back at home, the sadder I get. They’ve been nothing but supportive and sweet to me. I feel very out of my element and it’s just getting even harder to adapt to my new surroundings as each day goes by. One of my close girls is in Cali for an annual business retreat and hopefully we can meet up before she flies back to Boston. I was telling another one of my close friends how I feel like I’ve just slowly gotten very insecure about myself. Not just based on physical appearance, but personality wise. One thing I don’t ever want to happen to me while I’m here is for me to lose myself and change. I understand change is inevitable, but that part scares me and I do need to accept it. I don’t know. I just feel like I’m constantly being judged here and I find myself wanting to hide. People will judge you regardless where or who you are, but I’ve never ever felt this way up until recently. It’s been really hard to meet people around here and I feel like I’m getting judged for the activities I’m interested in. For example, going to museums, spending hours at a cafe reading a good book or browsing aimlessly at a book store, etc. Am I really that much of a fucking weirdo for enjoying those things? Honestly I’d prefer doing those activities than to get drunk. I’m all for going out for a drink and having a good time, but I swear why do people look at me like I’m crazy because I enjoy reading? I feel like the people here just aren’t at my pace at all. I don’t mean to sound so bias and judgmental myself, but I’m sorry I don’t want to be a clueless ditz like all the girls around here are. I don’t think they realize how much of an airhead they are. Not saying all, but the vast majority. I understand how contradicting that is, but oh well! Hopefully I’ll meet people that will share the same interests as me. Anyways, I find myself feeling more and more like an outcast even when I’m out just doing basic errands. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling.

Just gotta stay strong and stay focused.

 

Quick glimpse of my conversation with my close girl who's like a sister to me. This made me feel so much better last night.

Quick glimpse of my conversation with my close girl who’s like a sister to me. This made me feel so much better last night.

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1 comment
  1. What reading isn’t weird at all! Don’t get stuck in the California state of mind! I know I often feel pretty lonely too, but it must be a lot different coming from somewhere else. Hope that you settle in

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