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Monthly Archives: July 2013

Ever since I moved to Cali, I’m eating a lot fresher and cleaner again. I was always pretty much eating fairly light and clean unless I was dining out. But even when I was dining out it wasn’t too bad. It was always usually hot pot, but now it’s been crawfish or pho haha. Dining out at American restaurants is a waste of money to me and I think the food is gross lol. I’d rather make pasta or a burger in my own home. Generally when I cook, I use very simple ingredients. Although, I have to say I do miss cooking in my own kitchen. I’ve been craving for sashimi, avocados, seaweed, and tofu a lot, which isn’t a bad thing haha. With the free time I have on my hands, I’ve been focusing on my health again. It was so chaotic during my move that I hardly had the time to go work out. With the amount of stress I was dealing with, I definitely gained some weight. Good thing I was able to fit in a couple work out sessions here and there, but not as adequate as I’d like. Lets see how long this whole health phase lasts haha. Well I generally eat light like this so it’s not an issue really. It’s just getting my ass to work out that’s the issue haha. I’ve made more time to go running around my neighborhood. I’m still debating on joining the gym around here even though I prefer being active outdoors. We’ll see. 🙂

Hope you enjoy my “cooking”! Just quick simple lunches I’ve been having. Nothing special!

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Let’s face it, I’ve been a total bitch lately and very snappy towards a lot of people. I’m extra sensitive and I get offended easily. No, it’s not PMS. This whole unemployment business has gotten to me pretty badly. It’s not something I enjoy nor am I proud of. Change is what I wanted and change is what I got. I’m prepared to start my life over. I went from working a full time job with my own place, financially stable, and just pretty much all round having my shit together. I had things going for me and it truly has hurt my pride a lot to not be in that stable place that I was once at. I left for the west coast to pursue better opportunities for my career. That is my main goal for this move. I didn’t plan to move out west to party or to get away from Boston in general. I am very ambitious, driven and very passionate about my career. I don’t get why people don’t understand that aspect of me. I have that “work hard, work harder” mentality, not work hard, play harder kinda deal.

It just gets tiring to be asked the same questions over and over again. “How’s the job hunt going?” “Have you gone on any interviews?” “Any word back yet?” I know those are harmless general questions, but just get off of my fucking case already. I’ve made light jokes that I’m a bum with no income and I try not to take things too personal, but I can’t help it. I get annoyed if you’re the SAME fucking person asking me the SAME fucking question almost EVERY fucking day. When I tell them in a polite manner that I don’t want to talk about it, they get offended. I’m not being rude and saying, “Shut the fuck up already” lol. Although I refrain from saying that because them asking so many damn questions is considered to be borderline nagging to me and I absolutely HATE nagging. I appreciate the concern, but seriously I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s something that’s constantly on my mind and it’s already stressful for me as is. I am consistently applying and I’ve gone on several interviews. I know this is gonna take some time, but c’mon lets talk about something else.

I do however get offended when someone brings up my financial matters. I’m pretty responsible and I know what I need to do. It’s not like I’m going on some kind of shopping spree and living this supposed leisurely life. As I said before, I do not enjoy being unemployed, but who fucking does? lol. I went from having a hectic schedule that was always filled with something to do and now I have a lot of free time that I’m trying to fill up again. It’s annoying when someone assumes that I’m “living the life” because I have all this free time. I am taking advantage of it though to do some things that I didn’t get to do before when I was employed, such as traveling and just having more time for myself. Regardless, it’s no one’s business unless you’re my spouse and contributing to my bills. I’ve found myself pushing a lot of people away as soon as they just get me angry. I’m not asking for anyone to be sympathetic about my situation. I just want you to give me some respect and to not bring it up. It’s as simple as that. Maybe once I get back on my feet again, I won’t be as much of an asshole haha. I really am trying to be as optimistic about this job search, but it doesn’t help with the repetitive questions.

There are other things going on in my life that is causing me to be this big bitch right now and I don’t feel the need to go into those details with anyone. It is what it is.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

My heart really aches for my mom. I am beyond disgusted with how people treat her. I’m not gonna say this just because she’s my mom, but she’s hands down the most hardworking, sweetest, strongest, genuine person I know. I’m sure everyone feels this way about their mom and it’s most likely true, but no really she is. I don’t understand why people treat her the way that they do. Partially she allows it, but it’s not like she’s never tried to stand up for herself. She is a sweetheart, but a tough cookie at the same time. Whenever she confides in me about how someone was mean to her, I get so furious. There has been many instances where I do have to step in and say something to whoever is giving her a difficult time or making her upset. It’s much more difficult now that I’m not on the east coast anymore.

She called me up the other night and vented to me. I really felt her pain and sadness. I hate having to feel so helpless being in the west coast and wishing I could be there to comfort her. I know I can’t be her super hero and come to her rescue like I did before, but I do appreciate her coming to me when she needs it. I just wished people would truly appreciate her and not take advantage of her. I can understand how she feels for whereas I dealt with a lot of the same issues she’s dealt with before. I can tell she’s still trying her best to stay strong, but at the same time I know how heartbroken she is. Her heart has been broken for so many years and I think she’s now reaching her breaking point. I really don’t blame her to feel the way that she does.

For all the struggles she’s gone through in her life, all she ever wanted was a “thank you” or any kind gesture to know her actions are appreciated. I hear so much sadness in her voice and I can’t help but to cry for her. I don’t pity her. A piece of my heart belongs to her and a part of it is broken because of the pain she endures. As I’m saying all of this I can definitely fit in her shoes and know what it’s like. I see so much of myself in my mother and she’s helped me become a stronger woman each day. I been there and done that when it comes to how people treated me when it came to friendships and relationships. I don’t tolerate anyone’s bullshit nor will I allow anyone to walk all over me or the people I love and care about. I see the wrongs in her life and it’s taught me how important it is to value your worth as a woman. It’s just a shame to see how people take her for granted and underestimate her.

She truly is a great woman and I will never allow anyone especially a man to treat me the way that she has been treated. Unfortunately, I can’t always protect everyone I hold near and dear to my heart. It’s a shame how many people still struggle with appreciating the people around them.

Kelly Rowland feat. Beyonce & Michelle – You Changed 

I really hate to see that look on your face
You’re looking like someone came and rained on your parade
And I know, it kills to feel those tears in your eyes
But I guess your conscience finally caught up with your lies
But when my tears dropped, where the hell were you?
It’s okay, boy I’ve changed and I ain’t been here waiting
So I won’t pretend to feel bad for you
‘Cause since you left I ain’t cried since
And boy I like it that way
I can say I’m done in a million ways
But let’s not beat around the bush
Let’s cut to the chase
You changed, I changed but it’s too late,
Now I’m so through, too cool, oh yeah
And if our love was a game, you just lost
You changed, I changed but it’s too late
I know you hate to see this look on my face
I’m sure that you can see real clear a little lying goes a long way
And if you think I’d waste more tears, boy you’re crazy
And maybe you should get yourself a minute, don’t delay
But you let the ball drop, too bad for you
But it’s okay, boy I’m straight, my whole life’s amazing
So I won’t pretend to feel bad for you
‘Cause since you left I ain’t cried since
And boy I like it that way
I can say I’m done in a million ways
But let’s not beat around the bush
Let’s cut to the chase
You changed, I changed but it’s too late,
Now I’m so through, too cool, oh yeah
And if our love was a game, you just lost
You changed, I changed but it’s too late
Now you wanna claim you got a clue
Boy what do expect from me to do?
You claim you wanna have a life of two
But you can save your sorries and your “I love you” too
I can say I’m done in a million ways
But let’s not beat around the bush
Let’s cut to the chase
You changed, I changed but it’s too late,
Now I’m so through, too cool, oh yeah
And if our love was a game, you just lost
You changed, I changed but it’s too late
Change just in time
Just in time for me to change my mind
And it’s too late,
Boy I changed
It’s too bad for you, oh-oh,
For I changed my mind
I don’t want you no-no more
‘Cause see you changed, I changed, you changed but it’s too late, it’s too late
Sorry
 
Sometimes enough is enough, but no one else ever came so close until you.
Take care babe…

As childish and needy as this may sound, a hug would be great right now. I feel like all this loneliness is getting to me each day. The more I speak with my family and friends back at home, the sadder I get. They’ve been nothing but supportive and sweet to me. I feel very out of my element and it’s just getting even harder to adapt to my new surroundings as each day goes by. One of my close girls is in Cali for an annual business retreat and hopefully we can meet up before she flies back to Boston. I was telling another one of my close friends how I feel like I’ve just slowly gotten very insecure about myself. Not just based on physical appearance, but personality wise. One thing I don’t ever want to happen to me while I’m here is for me to lose myself and change. I understand change is inevitable, but that part scares me and I do need to accept it. I don’t know. I just feel like I’m constantly being judged here and I find myself wanting to hide. People will judge you regardless where or who you are, but I’ve never ever felt this way up until recently. It’s been really hard to meet people around here and I feel like I’m getting judged for the activities I’m interested in. For example, going to museums, spending hours at a cafe reading a good book or browsing aimlessly at a book store, etc. Am I really that much of a fucking weirdo for enjoying those things? Honestly I’d prefer doing those activities than to get drunk. I’m all for going out for a drink and having a good time, but I swear why do people look at me like I’m crazy because I enjoy reading? I feel like the people here just aren’t at my pace at all. I don’t mean to sound so bias and judgmental myself, but I’m sorry I don’t want to be a clueless ditz like all the girls around here are. I don’t think they realize how much of an airhead they are. Not saying all, but the vast majority. I understand how contradicting that is, but oh well! Hopefully I’ll meet people that will share the same interests as me. Anyways, I find myself feeling more and more like an outcast even when I’m out just doing basic errands. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling.

Just gotta stay strong and stay focused.

 

Quick glimpse of my conversation with my close girl who's like a sister to me. This made me feel so much better last night.

Quick glimpse of my conversation with my close girl who’s like a sister to me. This made me feel so much better last night.

Finally arrived in Cali and been almost a week since I’ve been here. It was quite a drive but I’m relieved to have made it here. I have to say driving through Wyoming or closer to Cali in general passing through the mountains was a scary experience for me haha.

Our stops were:

– Buffalo, NY

– Chicago, IL (stayed two days)

– Kearney, NE

– Salt Lake City, UT

– CALIFORNIA!! ❤

I don’t know if you’re reading this, but thanks again for your help. I really do appreciate it.

Anyways, I’m slowly unpacking my things and settling in. Got to meet up with a couple friends from here, which was great. I’m just having a hard time adjusting without my family and friends from back at home here. People keep asking me if I’m excited to be here in Cali. Honestly, I am but I wish I could share this part of my life with the ones I love and care about deeply. To enjoy all this “happiness” on your own is very sad and lonely.

I spoke with my dad during my first full day here and he called to check up on me. During our conversation he told me how he’s been having trouble sleeping because I’m not there. My mom noticed he wasn’t in bed and found him in the computer room sitting here crying because he misses me a lot. When he told me that, my heart just broke. I started crying because I was the reason for him being sad. I really do hate making anyone feel upset or angry. I know it’s expected for the both of us to feel the way we do and it’s a part of growing up.

I’m just having a hard time adjusting and I know it’s gonna take some time. I’ve told my friends back at home that I feel like it’s the first day of school and I’m the new kid no one wants to play with LOL. But in all seriousness, I am looking forward to all the changes in my life. It’s what I’ve wanted and I’ve got it.

I really did leave my heart back in Boston.