I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and realized that I’m becoming a bit comfortable with certain things and I don’t like it. I want to get out of this comfort zone. I’m really craving for change in my life and maybe it’s time to say goodbye to California. It’s been a lingering thought for quite some time and just not sure how to go about the changes that I want to make. I mean I know what I need to do, but I want instant gratification. I wish I could literally just leave like right now. However, the idea of moving anywhere isn’t on the top of my list of priorities at the moment. I have to get my health in better condition before I can even think about moving. It sucks but I have great doctors and medical help right now. To have to look for a new doctor in a new place already sounds like a pain in the ass.

Sometimes I go back and forth with staying in California or moving out of state. I think of the pros and cons and ughhh…so many decisions! Might stay for another year or 2 and then leave. Who knows? My living situation is great and I work a great job, which I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me relocating elsewhere. I got very lucky in those situations and I feel like I’ve done well enough in my career so far that I’m ready to explore elsewhere. As for my social life, I’ve made a few friends here and then there’s a couple of Boston transplants from home that I see here and there. If I move again, I’m scared of being lonely. Sounds stupid but I think I’m still a bit traumatized when I first moved to Cali and how incredibly shitty people here were to me. I don’t know if I’m mentally and emotionally ready to deal with that kind of crap again.

Despite having a great job and whatnot, I just don’t feel so happy with my location. I’m just kinda over the things here. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve been here. That’s kind of a big deal for me to stay put in one place for that long. Back in Boston I moved around a lot and I didn’t mind. I need a change of scenery and perhaps the good old Pacific Northwest is calling my name. For now, I’m just frustrated with myself and I want to get my health in a better already. I know there’s progress and this is a journey for me, but hurry the fuck up already! My health comes first before anything else and I just want to kick the shit out of this disease. I shouldn’t let this be a set back for me, but unfortunately it is.

I want to start over and be happy again.

I’m a workaholic and don’t take enough time off or get away as often as I’d like. I’d LOVE to get away somewhere internationally but once I’m debt free (which shouldn’t be much longer!!), I’ll plan a nice international trip for myself. For now, I don’t mind traveling within the U.S. or buying myself something nice. Treating myself to sushi or buying myself a book or flowers are considered “nice” things to me. Back then when I was much more naive with my money and spent it on clothes, shoes and handbags (both luxury and non). To be honest I’m not even sure how I even had much money to spend like that back then, especially since I have a much more substantial salary. With my good salary, I don’t even spend like how I used to. Nowadays, if you leave me alone at Target or Daiso and I’d be very content. The most “luxurious” thing that I’ve ever purchased is my current car and that’s already flashy enough for my taste. I bought it because I wanted a new car, I never took time off, and I didn’t want to spend it on buying property at the time. Overall, I deserved it because I worked so hard.

For quite a few years now I’ve eyed this one luxury handbag. I’ve done a lot of research, read reviews, and whatnot to see if it was worth pulling the trigger on. If I’m going to spend THAT much money, I better do my research. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all that materialistic or needed a designer bag to impress anyone. With the recent occurrences and since I’ve felt like I deserve something nice, I thought I’d treat myself to a nice designer handbag and off to the mall I went. When I arrived to the store, I was getting excited about my purchase. I tried the bag on to see how it looked and immediately I was ready to checkout. I left the store feeling good about my purchase and couldn’t stop looking at the bag when I got home.

Well that “love” didn’t last too long because the next morning, there was a change of heart. It’s almost as if I had beer goggles on during the purchase and the next morning I had a hangover wondering, “what happened?”. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that it didn’t suit me. It would’ve suited the old me, but not this grandma right here. It’s a beautiful bag, but I’ve come to terms that I’m not that boujee. I decided to return it because I couldn’t suck it up to keep it, but I also felt so tacky to return it. I even felt a bit embarrassed returning it, but whatever. After returning the bag, I opted to buy another bag elsewhere that is much more practical, both in style and cost. I’m really happy that I made the return and opted for something else. I feel much happier with this new purchase and don’t feel as awkwardly flashy as I did before. It really wasn’t about the cost of the bag. Not saying that like I’m a baller or anything. It had more to do with my style and functionality. I felt uncomfortable having to be cautious with a designer bag. Granted the designer or non designer bags that I’ve had in the past, I’ve always been careful with. If I got even the tiniest spot on that bag, it would freak me out. It just wasn’t practical.

Is this what happens when we get older? Well, it looks like I have money left over to buy myself sushi, books and flowers again. 🙂

It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from the hospital. The week prior I was starting to not feel so well and was in a lot of physical pain. I saw my primary care physician, who put me on antibiotics and strong pain killers and was hoping to send me to a surgeon that same day due to an infection. I wasn’t able to see the surgeon until the next day and when I finally did…FUCK. I’ve never ever cried so much begging the doctor to stop. It wasn’t the surgeon’s fault. I was literally in that much excruciating pain. I had to return the next day to get my bandages changed and the pain got worst during the bandage change. My body literally went into shock from the pain that I was in and from there the surgeon had to send me to the emergency room. Thankfully both days seeing the surgeon, my landlord was kind enough to give me a ride since I really was in no condition to drive. When I returned to the car all shaken up and crying, I told my landlord that I have to go to the ER immediately since they were waiting for me to arrive.

I couldn’t stop crying when I arrived to the ER. I called my friend/work mom about what was happening and of course telling my parents since I had told them about my appointment. Every person that I dealt with, I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t crying from the pain at this point. I was crying because my worst nightmare came true. To be hospitalized and alone. I laid there so angry with myself because I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take care of myself. I fucking failed and I have a disease. I know I couldn’t fix, prevent or escape any of it, but give me a fucking break please. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts laying there with nurses coming in and out hooking me up to an IV, doing blood work, running tests, giving me lots of antibiotics and whatnot. I think the worst was dealing with various doctors breaking the bad news to me. I hated every inch of myself for every time a doctor had to come in to tell me what’s wrong.

As I kept getting moved around throughout the hospital, I finally got sent to my own room. That moment killed me so bad. I honestly wanted to just die because I was angry, hopeless, unhappy, etc. etc. I really felt I had nothing else to really live for anymore. It wasn’t hard to be negative. Thing is I wasn’t trying to be. Shit, if you were in my position you’d have the same thoughts and emotions running through you as well. To be alone in that pain takes a huge toll on you as well as digesting a new diagnosis. How do you gain any sense of normalcy after this experience?

Thankfully my friend/work mom came to the hospital and spent the night. She was also able to go to my place to get a few of my belongings like my work laptop. I shouldn’t have been doing any work while in the hospital and plus my boss and team knew what was going on with me, but I was gripping on so hard to keep things being in an “okay” state. When she initially arrived, she brought me fresh flowers from her garden which cheered me up. It was a very sweet gesture. My other former colleague/friend came by as well to keep me company during my second day in the hospital. She’s very quirky and walked in with flowers, magazine, coloring book, a stuffed animal and balloon. For herself and her fiancé, they brought champagne, cheese and crackers. It was actually pretty funny. As low as I felt, I really needed that laugh. Both friends took turns in coordinating in coming by to keep me company and I am honestly forever grateful for them doing this. They gradually stopped coming because I was slowly getting better and there wasn’t much of a need for them to literally sit there with me. I didn’t want to take them away from their daily routine and disturb them that much.

During my stay, I met a lot of wonderful nurses and got to know them a bit. It made the stay a bit more bearable. Majority of them were really kind and great to talk to. I had met with this one specialist who’s this 67 year old Filipino woman. She’s the most adorable lady ever and we have a ton in common. She was very informative in helping me understand the next steps as to how to go about my diagnosis, but she was so easy to talk to about many things. Talking to her brought back this comfort that I really needed. Plus I really feel like she made a huge impact in my life and I really can never forget about her. Just some of the things we spoke about hit a trigger for me and it was just so easy to confide in her about so many things without getting judged. She really helped lift up my spirits again and I can’t thank her enough. I actually really miss our conversations.

Coming close to a week being in the hospital, I was getting a lot of cabin fever. It was annoying to be hooked up to an IV and drag that shit with me around. I wanted to go outside for a walk, but I was in pain. I was tired of literally getting so many shots or stabbed with needles for blood work. I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if I would have to stay an additional 1-3 days. Thankfully the results from that turned out well and I was anxiously waiting to get the fuck out. My friend came back to pick up as I was getting ready to be discharged. I had a lot of information thrown at me about after care and blahhh. As I was about to leave, I gave one of my favorite nurses a hug. I thanked her for making me laugh during this difficult time.

Since being home, I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m on lots of medication and I’m eating even cleaner than before. The day I came back I took an extremely long shower and I literally passed out in my bed. I was extremely sleep deprived since I kept having a nurse check on me constantly. I have lots of follow up appointments coming up. Annoying to have to go but obviously I need to. I have a home care nurse coming daily to help me do the bandage changes. I’ve sent thank you flowers to both friends that visited me in the hospital keeping me company. Another old colleague from my old team sent me this really cute succulent and I sent her a thank you card. My parents were beyond freaked out like any parent would be, but I’ve reassured them that I’ll be okay. It’s hard while I’m trying to absorb this fresh news and trying to reassure my parents at the same time. Tough juggling act. This whole experience has been a very life changing moment that I will never forget and has been a huge eye opener for me.

I’m gradually getting back into the swing of things and I try my best to be positive despite how low I felt. I’m just happy that I’m able to do things for myself again like grocery shopping or basic chores. I’ve gotten into a good routine since being home. I’ll even put on a bit of makeup just to feel relatively put together even though I’m wearing workout clothes. As my friend that came to visit me said, I will come out of this being a new, improved and stronger person from this. I really hope so.

Literally in physical hell during the past 2 months. More recently I’m in a ton of excruciating pain. I have no idea what it’s like to give child birth but I think I got a pretty good idea of it now. I can barely sit, walk, lay down, etc. without feeling any discomfort. THIS FUCKING SUCKS! Saw an herbalist yesterday and have another whole line up of doctor’s appointment. It really upset me that my health is literally going to shit and I’ve been trying. Trying so hard to “fix” myself yet I keep coming across more bad shit. Last night I cried and wished ever so much for this to all go away. This shouldn’t be happening to me. Despite getting the medical help that I need, it’s very discouraging and upsetting for me to deal with this.

I want to be healthier and pain free.

I’m always trying to declutter my place yet at this point, what else do I even have left? I am currently on this total closet purge. Recently I’ve spent quite a bit of money on some new clothes and it’s mainly new workout clothes, which I practically live in now. I am barely in the office, I don’t go out as often as I used to, and I do workout a lot so that’s why I’m dressed down and very casual. A few months ago, I had swapped out my plastic hangers for velvet hangers to save space in my closet, which did make a big difference. I’ve given those away to my landlord and friends to use. I’ve resisted on purchasing more velvet hangers because that’ll just add on to the clutter and it’ll defeat the purpose of decluttering. Last night I pulled out dresses, tops and a few other things from my closet. I stood there staring at my clothes and deciding what to get rid of. I either don’t wear it or it doesn’t suit my style anymore. If I’m out and about, you can usually catch me in leggings, v neck tee and sneakers or flip flops.

I’ve posted a few items to sell on Poshmark since I’ve made good earnings in the past, but I wish people weren’t so stingy and low balling on there because I want to get rid of my stuff immediately. To post your items, then repost it on a daily basis so it’s seen as a new listing is such a commitment. Ain’t nobody got the time for that. Well I used to, but not anymore haha. It bothers me how much of a slow process it is just to get someone to buy your stuff. So in the meantime, I’ve decided to order another ‘clean out kit’ from ThredUP to get rid of my stuff. I’ve filled up a clean out kit before and made decent profit from it. At least if my items don’t sell, it’ll be donated and of course out of sight and out of mind in my home.

Today I realized not only do I want to get rid of clothes, but handbags and shoes as well. I hardly use them and they’re in great condition. I have shoes that’s brand new and still in the box. Not like my stuff has any bad juju or anything. Every time I open that closet door I feel suffocated as weird as that may sound. I’d rather someone else put it into better use instead of me continuing to let my stuff sit around and collect dust. I just want more space…in my space…and to make better use of my space without having to feel obligated to fill it up just because it’s empty. As eager as I am to declutter, it’s almost like a cleanse…a very effortless cleanse. With the things that has happened to me recently, it’s like getting rid of the bad and to simplify my life. It feels so refreshing. But I’m also the weirdo that enjoys cleaning and organizing haha.

Happy cleaning!

My week had started off quite stressful. I had worked remotely all day at my favorite coffee shop on Monday. As the work day was coming to an end, I get an e-mail to add more changes to the design that I had thought out and mocked up. This change ended up causing me to redesign everything and to add on more mockups. W-T-F!! I felt overwhelmed by this bullshit. For awhile I had contemplated on taking work off and getting away to Santa Cruz. I haven’t been down there for awhile and since the weather was suitable beach weather I thought why not. However I’ve become a workaholic over the years and it’s hard for me to walk away from my work sometimes. I’ll literally be thinking about it or checking my work email constantly. It’s a bad habit that I need to break.

Anyways, during that moment of frustration I kinda said fuck it and decided to book a hotel for the next day. I was debating on taking work off for 2 days, but I wanted to make sure that I like the hotel and I could always extend my stay once I arrive. Later on Monday night I hardly slept as I stayed up as late as possible to finish up as much work as I can before I left early the next morning. Since I was only staying a night, I wasn’t too worried about packing especially for a local trip. Pretty much just tossed my bathing suit, a dress and a few other items in a weekender bag and called it a day. I only got a couple hours of sleep, but dragged my ass out of bed to get on the road. I wanted to get the most out of the hotel that I was staying at. It’s right on the beach with a pool, hot tub, and literally steps away from the beach, wharf and boardwalk.

I really didn’t want to drive anywhere. I simply wanted to just tan, read my book, have a couple drinks and relax. I wanted to be catered to so I took advantage of room service, which to my surprise the food was actually pretty good. I enjoyed a nice breakfast on the balcony with an ocean view before I made my way to the pool. From there I was at the pool from 11AM until 6PM, which led me to getting sunburnt. Yes, I did wear and kept reapplying lots of sunscreen. It’s safe to say I’m gonna be hiding from the sun for awhile. I got burnt pretty badly and this shit still hurts. I was extremely red the next day, and the day after …and even a bit today. I’m surprised I didn’t get sun poisoning or a heat stroke from that shit.

While I was at the pool lounging and enjoying myself, I had met quite a few people. I met this older couple that were lounging next to me. We chatted for awhile and they were visiting from Santa Rosa and booked this hotel out on a whim as well. Spoke to this family that were visiting from Halifax, Canada. I moved over to the cute cabanas that were by the pool to get some shade and to read some more. The mom had apologized if her kids were being really loud and bothering me, which they weren’t at all. They were in Cali and pretty much started their trip from SF and were making their way down along the coast and to hit San Diego as their final destination. Lots of friendly guests at this hotel as well as friendly staff.

Eventually I finally made way back to my room to take care of my painful sunburn and to order room service for dinner. Enjoyed my dinner on the balcony, played with my camera to take pictures of the sunset, and just enjoyed my view while it lasted. As I got ready for bed and patiently waited for Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD to air, the sound of the ocean waves was super relaxing. That literally put me to sleep. When I woke up the next day I felt so refreshed despite this nasty sunburn. I haven’t felt like that in so long. If I wasn’t sunburnt, I would’ve extended my stay.

Overall, I’m glad I took a break from work even if it was just for a day. Before my trip I had a talk with my friend/old colleague from my last team, T and he’s like a total ‘dad’ to me out here giving me advice in design and life. One thing that he said that kept lingering in my mind was “to be gentle to myself”. He was right. I need to take better care of myself. He’s even said to me on many occasions to take a break from work. Uncle T was right and he’s usually always right.

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.