Caught Up

It’s been a week since I was with AA after we spent a few days together. I am currently back in Boston visiting family and friends. While I’m enjoying my trip, I’m starting to really miss AA. When I left him and then heading to Boston, I did think of him but I didn’t miss him. I wasn’t really bummed out or anything. There’s moments when I’m trying to focus on my work but I’m distracted by thinking of him and BAM he’ll text me. Weird how things work out. This is the second distinct moment where I’m finding myself constantly thinking of him. I think of the little things when we were spending time together. It’s just this certain feeling that I can’t describe.

I feel like I haven’t been with a proper guy in forever (or probably ever) and this is going to sound super dumb, but is it normal for me to feel this way? I’m seriously a total idiot when it comes to relationships since I’ve been super disconnected with men and relationships for so long. I’m smart at my job, but clearly outside of that I’m a total doofus haha. I miss him and I hope to spend time with him again soon when I come back. He makes me happy, safe and comfortable. I’ve never felt like this before with any guy especially the safe and comfortable part. I’ve never been so open with close friends and even not so close friends where I’m telling them about a guy. I just want to tell everyone about him. Not by any means to brag, but to let people know how amazing he is. Once again, is this normal? lol. As much as I miss him and want to see him soon, I don’t want to rush things. I want to give each other enough space where we can miss each other like this.

Not sure if I’m all the way here in Boston and he’s back in Cali, but I’m really feeling that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What has he done to me? Who am I? lol…

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Self-Reflection

There’s been a number of things that has occurred for me to go into major self-reflection mode for the past 2 months. I noticed the change in my behavior and my way of thinking. Just everything. Change is so constant but I felt like I haven’t really changed. It’s just lots of minor baby steps but I find myself stepping backwards. I started working out more, meditating, resorting to flying away to places on the weekend, reading even more, etc. These were things that I was already doing but really indulging myself in these things. I already know some of my issues are and what needs to change.

During the time where I felt pretty low, I met AA. We had talked for over a month and recently we got together. I had never felt so comfortable around a guy in a very long time yet alone feel this genuine connection. Despite some bumps, I had a great time. What I did is something that I generally don’t ever do for anyone especially a guy. My whole mentality with him was to embrace this uncertainty. I’m glad we spent time together, but of course you come home being left with overthinking and overanalyzing things. AA made me realize a lot of things about myself. Not necessarily saying all it took was for a guy that I like to give me a reality check. However it did really confirm things that I need to work on and change.

I realized how much of a workaholic I am. This is what I’ve known forever, but it’s so bad. I didn’t realize how much I talk about work and I need to cut that shit out. Nothing wrong talking about it but I’ve realized that the person that I’ve become while living here is that, that’s all I got: my career. My social life is practically non existent, I stay home a ton, and I have a veryyyyyy small social circle out here. Once again, nothing wrong with being a homebody or having a small social circle. It was a big reflection that I’ve been burying myself in a hole and it’s taking a lot for me to come back out again. I am acknowledging all of this and I want many things to change.

I had told myself that I shouldn’t move until I get my finances (primarily student loans) settled and to take advantage of saving my money since my rent is a total steal. Then I realized how much of a set back that has been for me by staying here and to not really live somewhere where I am truly happy or at least content. I’m not happy here and that’s nothing new. I’ve been sucking it up for so long now and it’s put me in a comfort zone. I essentially moved away from my hometown to get out of my comfort zone and to aspire for greater things in my life. I’ve been in a comfort zone for the past 5 years here and I need to get out of this comfort zone. It’s not healthy for me because it’s cause me a lot of unhappiness and anxiety. I’ve made too many weak excuses to stick around here. I’ve done very well with my career here in the Bay Area and I’m at the point where I’ve offered all that I can. I moved here with excitement, fear but I was happy. This environment has broken me down so much and as much of a toxic environment I never thought this place was, it actually really is. I’m ready to move on and hopefully in the next 6 months or at most end of the year. I am at a major advantage that since I work full time remote I can go off anywhere.

Back to AA, he made me realize how dull I’ve been living my life. I admire his spontaneity and his free yet calming spirit. He really lives life like how everyone should. He helped remind me how fun and social that I used to be. He made me realize how deeply I can care for someone, but I’ve neglected caring for myself. With my mom’s health being a much bigger priority, I let my own health slip. With how hard I’ve worked, I pushed that passion into a direction that went somewhere dark and miserable. Due to my lack of social life here and my experiences with the people here, I’ve shut down on people significantly. I’ve conformed to this overly structured lifestyle that I live now and it’s so lonely. I embraced my independence as a way to mask my depression and loneliness. Anyways, I don’t know where things will go with AA from this point, but our time together was just a major eye opener for me. He’s helped encourage me to be a better version of me. That it’s okay to let my guard down and to be more open again, not just when it comes to dating men, but with everyone.

I stand alone, but I need help during this process as I move forward to changing my life. I need my close friends to really help rebuild this new me. No more doubting, no more overthinking and of course no more settling. It’s time to move on and to grow. I continue to remind myself to be gentle to myself and to embrace the uncertainty.

I connected a lot with this video. Pretty much sums up how I felt: https://youtu.be/Yz5wBnNoPiQ

 

Honesty

Aren’t you suppose to be honest with anyone especially your friends? My friends here that I’ve distanced myself from contacted me yesterday. I just didn’t want to be bothered. Last night before bed I texted a lengthy response and letting them know why I’ve been distance. It’s basically because of this need to constantly justify myself to them about why I don’t want to buy property (yet) especially in Oakland, being single, etc. It’s plain exhausting when you get asked that shit every single time you kick it. Plus my personal life and work life was getting so stressful. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed with life…

What’s really fucking pissed me off is getting the response that I should go find a therapist to talk to about this. Wow, really bitch… I’m simply fucking telling you bitches that you’re being cliquey as fuck and to get off of my shit about how I live my life. How the fuck does finding a therapist have anything to do with this? Seriously, only white people say and do shit like this. I’m confiding in you as a friend and letting you know why the fuck I haven’t been around. It’s not that serious nor is it a big deal. It’s not like I said I’m cutting my wrist and doing lines of coke because of them. No! I knew that they wouldn’t understand and take it the wrong way. I’m just really insulted and pissed. I’ve been honest and vented to friends before, but they’ve never said that shit to me before.

Seriously, fuck you.

Forever

How do you forget someone that you saw forever with them and they didn’t see forever at all with you? You looked at this person and thought they were truly so flawless and amazing…

I want to forget and move on already. Seriously so pathetic for how long this has dragged on for. No matter what I do I can’t forget.

Drunken words are sober thoughts.

Old Wounds

I’m honestly not sure what prompted me to contact him, but I did. Maybe it’s the way AA looks at me and it struck a cord that he kinda sorta at a quick glance looks like PC. The way AA looks at me…it’s that stare you give someone when you’re really into them. Not sure how to describe it, but it’s a much more flattering gesture than creepy. AA is a guy that I recently started talking to, but I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. That’ll be for another blog post. Anyways, I was laying in bed thinking about AA and somehow my thoughts shifted to PC. I was wondering how he was doing and we haven’t been in touch in a long time. With my upcoming trip to Seattle, that doesn’t help either.

This morning I made the foolish decision to contact him. What was I expecting? I’m not sure, but what I was sure was I just wanted to let him know how I was feeling. Most likely none of this matters. He never answered. Not surprised there. I set myself up for disappointment and it’s my own fault. Perhaps I’m really pushing for closure and I need to accept the fact that I won’t ever have that. It’s unsettling for me. I guess it’s too late for me to say anything. Seriously, no matter how much time goes by, he’s still in my mind. It’s really pathetic. I’m literally pouring salt on a big wound on me.

I guess there’s some connections that you have with certain people that comes into your life that you can’t ever really shake off and forget. I’ve heard it over and over again that time will help you heal, but I really don’t believe it. Just how much longer will it take?

Better Yourself

Since my last post, I shut down and shut folks out. Both my personal life and work life was hitting me really hard. My stress was getting so bad that my heart rate had increased a lot. That was freaking me out. I found myself feeling so angry and I didn’t want to take that out on anyone. I told myself I had to really disconnect myself.

I had stopped talking to my 2 old coworkers/friends. I deleted this app that we use to keep in touch and I deleted our group text messages. I noticed the more I was in the conversation, it made me feel worst. They were basically talking to each other and I really had nothing to say, but here and there they would be like ‘where are you?’. I got annoyed and told them that I’m really heartbroken right now and fed up with a few things, that I need privacy and that I hope they understand. This was over a week ago and neither one of them has said a word to me since then.

My boiling point was how they were constantly on my case about either buying property, having a boyfriend, etc. It was exhausting to justifying myself. My friends back home wouldn’t do this to me. Despite a few bumps in the road, I’m relatively content with my living situation and whatnot. If I was that miserable, I would’ve left already. I also felt that since I’m not living in the same city as them, I wasn’t really a part of the crew. Overall, it got way too cliquey for me and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. They’re nice people, but I don’t think they realize their actions and behavior. I don’t want to point the obvious to them and make it into a big thing, so I’d rather just peacefully step back.

With work, it’s a shit show. I was getting so angry every day that I would literally be yelling at people and cursing a lot. I was clearly frustrated but that’s because I care about what I do, my team and whatnot. It was just so much coming at me every week. I would browse here and there for quick getaway and felt that I really need to chill out with my spending since I’ve spent a lot on upcoming travels for this year. But, I really needed to get out of town for my own sanity sake. I was pretty angry last week and while waiting for my teammate that was in town to grab drinks, I sporadically booked a trip to Seattle…and it’s in 3 days. It was a bit pricey, but honestly I need to go, disconnect from work and recharge my batteries. I told my boss about my mini “vacation” and how I’ll be taking work off. With how I was behaving, I realized how I really wasn’t myself. Shit, it was a really poor reflection in who I was and I didn’t want to showcase anymore of that raging bitch anymore. Not cute nor necessary.

Prior to dealing with all of that, I’ve stopped working out entirely for the past 2 months. It’s terrible. I went from working out 5-6 days a week back to zero. Thankfully I’ve been able to maintain the weight that I’ve lost which has been great, but really I needed to be physically active again. Despite not working out, I’ve kept track of my weight with doing weekly weigh ins. It’s by no means to focus on the numbers too much. More as a reference, that’s all. The boujee gym that I signed up for months ago finally opened today. I stopped going to the gym at work since it was becoming almost an inconvenience for me with their hours and driving over. My new gym is literally down the street and makes it much more flexible to go. I’m paying a hefty price for this gym, but it’s so worth it with all of their equipment and amenities. It’s also a major investment in my health, so I’m totally fine with that.

Along with starting my workout regiment again, I’ve started meditating again as well as a means to get my stress under control. When I saw my heart rate number it made me so anxious and it really scared me. I didn’t want to end up back in the hospital by myself again. So with the shit that I was dealing with in my personal and work life, I really needed to give myself a reality check in regards to my health. I stopped taking care of myself and I let things really impact me in so many ways. Physically I was gradually becoming out of shape again, and mentally and emotionally I was a straight up mess. I’m taking baby steps in taking better care of myself and to not let myself drown in negativity and chaos.

I’m doing a lot of reflecting and I want to be in a better place with myself. I want this moment to truly better myself. I’ve spent time thinking about the person that I was before and the person that I’ve become, and I’m not happy with this person. Some days I’m not sure what it is, whether it’s my depression or some bullshit, but I am trying my best to not let my depression interfere with this process of self-improvement. It’s a constant struggle for me.

I just want to be the best version that I can be.