For the past few months, I’ve been on a pretty good workout routine and I was eating pretty healthy. Of course not all routines are meant to last unless you’re crazily disciplined but then again you wouldn’t really be human. Since going back to Boston in September for 2 weeks and with traveling to Colorado last week, my routine is messed up. When I had traveled to both Boston and Colorado, I brought workout clothes with me and tried to stick with getting a workout in or at least even a walk. Besides failing with working out, I’ve been eating like shit. Not entirely shitty but definitely not the best. Alcohol has creeped its way back into my life and that’s no bueno.

I’ve gained 5lbs in the past 2 months which isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people but I was suppose to lose another 10-15lbs around this point. I know, I know…the faster you drop the weight, the quicker you can easily gain it back. I was really dedicated to getting my health back in check and now I’m really freaking the fuck out. I know I shouldn’t get too caught up with the numbers but I am. I have an upcoming follow up appointment with my doctor to see my progress and I’m scared what she’ll say to me. This Friday I have to get blood work done and I’m terrified to not only get stabbed again for my blood, but I’m terrified for what my results will be. I’ve noticed my left leg has been a bit weak and I’m scared shitless if my lack of nutrition and exercise has brought this symptom on or if it could be leading to something more serious. I have a number of thoughts running through my mind.

I was freaking out a lot today since I know both appointments are quickly approaching. I have been trying to gradually get back into my routine again but it’s tough. I’m angry with myself for fucking it up and I’m just being hard on myself. That’s just how I am. I went to temple today to pray for my health to get better so I can do more in this life. I have quite a few setbacks right now because of my health and it sucks. I cried while praying because I want to feel better again. Tonight my friend D shared this fitness reading with me and this one line in the book really triggered me. “The quicker you get back on track the less damage you’ve done.” Such simple words but it really means a lot to me. Tomorrow is a better day and I need to not freak out and to continue trying again.

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For the past few months, I’ve been on a pretty good workout routine and I was eating pretty healthy. Of course not all routines are meant to last unless you’re crazily disciplined but then again you wouldn’t really be human. Since going back to Boston in September for 2 weeks and with traveling to Colorado last week, my routine is messed up. When I had traveled to both Boston and Colorado, I brought workout clothes with me and tried to stick with getting a workout in or at least even a walk. Besides failing with working out, I’ve been eating like shit. Not entirely shitty but definitely not the best. Alcohol has creeped its way back into my life and that’s no bueno.

I’ve gained 5lbs in the past 2 months which isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people but I was suppose to lose another 10-15lbs around this point. I know, I know…the faster you drop the weight, the quicker you can easily gain it back. I was really dedicated to getting my health back in check and now I’m really freaking the fuck out. I know I shouldn’t get too caught up with the numbers but I am. I have an upcoming follow up appointment with my doctor to see my progress and I’m scared what she’ll say to me. This Friday I have to get blood work done and I’m terrified to not only get stabbed again for my blood, but I’m terrified for what my results will be. I’ve noticed my left leg has been a bit weak and I’m scared shitless if my lack of nutrition and exercise has brought this symptom on or if it could be leading to something more serious. I have a number of thoughts running through my mind.

I was freaking out a lot today since I know both appointments are quickly approaching. I have been trying to gradually get back into my routine again but it’s tough. I’m angry with myself for fucking it up and I’m just being hard on myself. That’s just how I am. I went to temple today to pray for my health to get better so I can do more in this life. I have quite a few setbacks right now because of my health and it sucks. I cried while praying because I want to feel better again. Tonight my friend D shared this fitness reading with me and this one line in the book really triggered me. “The quicker you get back on track the less damage you’ve done.” Such simple words but it really means a lot to me. Tomorrow is a better day and I need to not freak out and to continue trying again.

I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.

A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.

I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to even  say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.

I’ve been at my current job for over a year and right now I’m facing a lot of challenges ever since my boss’ departure. One of the biggest things that’s bothered me the most is not meeting my team, who are all based in Colorado. It’s a bit pathetic that I have to beg and nagging is not my style. I had reached out to my current ‘boss’, who is my previous boss’ boss. I had sent him an email with a pretty reasonable request. Basically asked homeboy if I could visit my team for better collaboration since we get along so well in our chat channel and to lead by pushing the user experience even further in the next upcoming product release. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written that email and homeboy has not answered me. Once again this is not an outreach program. I’ve been beyond frustrated and it sucks, which has also led me to applying to jobs elsewhere. I don’t see the harm in applying while I’m still employed. However, I had a call with this start up and they seem VERY interested in me. Having a meeting with one of the execs via Google Hangout so that’ll be interesting.

Although I am at the door and with it cracked ever so slightly, I’m not afraid to leave if I have to. But I love my team and I’m embracing my current challenges in a positive way as much as possible. So in light of that, I booked my flight and hotel today to go to Colorado in the next upcoming weeks. I’ve had discussions with several folks on my team to hear their thoughts about me coming to visit and of course they want me to come, but I want to make this as productive as possible. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get this expensed since I’ve personally funded this travel myself. Regardless, I’m making a huge investment not only for my team and my job, but for myself. I asked one of my colleagues what they think our current boss will think of me just booking my travel and showing up to the Colorado office. He told me he thinks he’ll be impressed with my determination. That made me feel good about my decision and pulling that trigger.

This evening I wrote a message to this woman that I had met at a design event. She’s incredibly smart and just all round awesome. I was very impressed with how she took the initiative and went to another country (with her own money) to get her user research work done. She returned with great results which saved the company lots of money and in return she was able to get this trip expensed. There’s somewhere in the story where she racked up a $20K bill, and the company paid for that. Lucky girl!! Anyways, I sent her a message telling her how inspiring she is with sharing that story with me along with providing helpful tips in how to tackle on this one project that I was doing. I thanked her for giving me that kick in the ass for me to do the same as her, except I don’t think I’ll go over $20K in expenses haha. I thanked her for being such an inspiring contributor in the design community. I never write shit like this to anyone, but I’m sure anyone would appreciate a nice message like that.

I’m currently in the works of writing an email to inform my boss of my decision. I can’t get in trouble for trying to do my job, so whatever. Plus I’ve never been to Colorado so it’ll be nice to visit even though I’m keeping it primarily business focused. I thought about extending my stay into the weekend, but that’ll be for another time. This trip will determine if I want to stay any longer at this company so we shall see. I’m really doing my best to take the lead as much as possible and I hope my work and efforts will make some kind of impact or get any kind of recognition. Shit, I better…

I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

For the past week I’ve had some really strange dreams and I wake up thinking “wtf?”. I had a dream about L, the guy that I was bummed out about. He somehow lived really close to me…close like he was living on the other side of the house. We were hanging out and he was very warm towards but somehow he started disappearing and was cold towards me when he appeared. Weird…I have distanced myself from L since I want to respect his privacy but I’ve been thinking about him a lot. It really sucks how things turned out and I’m still a bit upset about it. I just really hope he’s okay. In a weird way since coming back from Boston, I felt as if there was nothing between us and that we never met. It’s really weird…

Another weird dream but more along a bad dream was with some shitty people that I had met in the past and it took place at a wedding. Everyone was really mean to me and got violent towards me where I ran away and hid. WTF…I know. No idea where that shit is even coming from haha but yeah…

I’ve had a couple other weird ones and I don’t even know how to really describe those dreams. I just feel weird and confused.

I generally visit Boston for a minimum of one week and maximum of 2 weeks. Every time I visit I feel as if I’ve been visiting home for awhile, but this time I feel as if I’ve been back for MONTHS. Also, this time around I had a bit of eagerness to leave and despite a few bumps during my visit home, I really missed the privacy and peace and quiet I have back here in Cali. However, no matter how short/long my stay is I will always get emotional and teary eyed whenever the plane is taking off to go back to Cali. I think I feel that way because it’s a sense of reality knowing how far I am about to be from my family and friends. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away when that plane takes off. When I arrive back in Cali, I always feel as if I didn’t even leave…if that makes any sense. As soon as I get back to my place, I unpack and head to bed. The next morning when I wake up in my bedroom here in Cali, I feel as if going to Boston was all a dream as if I never went back at all. Also I think not seeing my suitcase and putting all my things away the night before tricks my mind in thinking that I didn’t go anywhere. My sense of reality seems a bit distorted to some degree when it comes to traveling to and from Boston.

Right now, I’m a bit homesick but I need to get back into the swing of things here.