When everything feels right and you’re oddly so calm yet there’s still a bit of nervousness lurking around. I’ve really never felt this comfortable before but I hope it’s the right move.
Aren’t you suppose to be honest with anyone especially your friends? My friends here that I’ve distanced myself from contacted me yesterday. I just didn’t want to be bothered. Last night before bed I texted a lengthy response and letting them know why I’ve been distance. It’s basically because of this need to constantly justify myself to them about why I don’t want to buy property (yet) especially in Oakland, being single, etc. It’s plain exhausting when you get asked that shit every single time you kick it. Plus my personal life and work life was getting so stressful. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed with life…
What’s really fucking pissed me off is getting the response that I should go find a therapist to talk to about this. Wow, really bitch… I’m simply fucking telling you bitches that you’re being cliquey as fuck and to get off of my shit about how I live my life. How the fuck does finding a therapist have anything to do with this? Seriously, only white people say and do shit like this. I’m confiding in you as a friend and letting you know why the fuck I haven’t been around. It’s not that serious nor is it a big deal. It’s not like I said I’m cutting my wrist and doing lines of coke because of them. No! I knew that they wouldn’t understand and take it the wrong way. I’m just really insulted and pissed. I’ve been honest and vented to friends before, but they’ve never said that shit to me before.
Seriously, fuck you.
How do you forget someone that you saw forever with them and they didn’t see forever at all with you? You looked at this person and thought they were truly so flawless and amazing…
I want to forget and move on already. Seriously so pathetic for how long this has dragged on for. No matter what I do I can’t forget.
Drunken words are sober thoughts.
I’m honestly not sure what prompted me to contact him, but I did. Maybe it’s the way AA looks at me and it struck a cord that he kinda sorta at a quick glance looks like PC. The way AA looks at me…it’s that stare you give someone when you’re really into them. Not sure how to describe it, but it’s a much more flattering gesture than creepy. AA is a guy that I recently started talking to, but I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. That’ll be for another blog post. Anyways, I was laying in bed thinking about AA and somehow my thoughts shifted to PC. I was wondering how he was doing and we haven’t been in touch in a long time. With my upcoming trip to Seattle, that doesn’t help either.
This morning I made the foolish decision to contact him. What was I expecting? I’m not sure, but what I was sure was I just wanted to let him know how I was feeling. Most likely none of this matters. He never answered. Not surprised there. I set myself up for disappointment and it’s my own fault. Perhaps I’m really pushing for closure and I need to accept the fact that I won’t ever have that. It’s unsettling for me. I guess it’s too late for me to say anything. Seriously, no matter how much time goes by, he’s still in my mind. It’s really pathetic. I’m literally pouring salt on a big wound on me.
I guess there’s some connections that you have with certain people that comes into your life that you can’t ever really shake off and forget. I’ve heard it over and over again that time will help you heal, but I really don’t believe it. Just how much longer will it take?
Since my last post, I shut down and shut folks out. Both my personal life and work life was hitting me really hard. My stress was getting so bad that my heart rate had increased a lot. That was freaking me out. I found myself feeling so angry and I didn’t want to take that out on anyone. I told myself I had to really disconnect myself.
I had stopped talking to my 2 old coworkers/friends. I deleted this app that we use to keep in touch and I deleted our group text messages. I noticed the more I was in the conversation, it made me feel worst. They were basically talking to each other and I really had nothing to say, but here and there they would be like ‘where are you?’. I got annoyed and told them that I’m really heartbroken right now and fed up with a few things, that I need privacy and that I hope they understand. This was over a week ago and neither one of them has said a word to me since then.
My boiling point was how they were constantly on my case about either buying property, having a boyfriend, etc. It was exhausting to justifying myself. My friends back home wouldn’t do this to me. Despite a few bumps in the road, I’m relatively content with my living situation and whatnot. If I was that miserable, I would’ve left already. I also felt that since I’m not living in the same city as them, I wasn’t really a part of the crew. Overall, it got way too cliquey for me and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. They’re nice people, but I don’t think they realize their actions and behavior. I don’t want to point the obvious to them and make it into a big thing, so I’d rather just peacefully step back.
With work, it’s a shit show. I was getting so angry every day that I would literally be yelling at people and cursing a lot. I was clearly frustrated but that’s because I care about what I do, my team and whatnot. It was just so much coming at me every week. I would browse here and there for quick getaway and felt that I really need to chill out with my spending since I’ve spent a lot on upcoming travels for this year. But, I really needed to get out of town for my own sanity sake. I was pretty angry last week and while waiting for my teammate that was in town to grab drinks, I sporadically booked a trip to Seattle…and it’s in 3 days. It was a bit pricey, but honestly I need to go, disconnect from work and recharge my batteries. I told my boss about my mini “vacation” and how I’ll be taking work off. With how I was behaving, I realized how I really wasn’t myself. Shit, it was a really poor reflection in who I was and I didn’t want to showcase anymore of that raging bitch anymore. Not cute nor necessary.
Prior to dealing with all of that, I’ve stopped working out entirely for the past 2 months. It’s terrible. I went from working out 5-6 days a week back to zero. Thankfully I’ve been able to maintain the weight that I’ve lost which has been great, but really I needed to be physically active again. Despite not working out, I’ve kept track of my weight with doing weekly weigh ins. It’s by no means to focus on the numbers too much. More as a reference, that’s all. The boujee gym that I signed up for months ago finally opened today. I stopped going to the gym at work since it was becoming almost an inconvenience for me with their hours and driving over. My new gym is literally down the street and makes it much more flexible to go. I’m paying a hefty price for this gym, but it’s so worth it with all of their equipment and amenities. It’s also a major investment in my health, so I’m totally fine with that.
Along with starting my workout regiment again, I’ve started meditating again as well as a means to get my stress under control. When I saw my heart rate number it made me so anxious and it really scared me. I didn’t want to end up back in the hospital by myself again. So with the shit that I was dealing with in my personal and work life, I really needed to give myself a reality check in regards to my health. I stopped taking care of myself and I let things really impact me in so many ways. Physically I was gradually becoming out of shape again, and mentally and emotionally I was a straight up mess. I’m taking baby steps in taking better care of myself and to not let myself drown in negativity and chaos.
I’m doing a lot of reflecting and I want to be in a better place with myself. I want this moment to truly better myself. I’ve spent time thinking about the person that I was before and the person that I’ve become, and I’m not happy with this person. Some days I’m not sure what it is, whether it’s my depression or some bullshit, but I am trying my best to not let my depression interfere with this process of self-improvement. It’s a constant struggle for me.
I just want to be the best version that I can be.
They say it’s best to never go to bed upset and whoever said that is right. I can’t sleep due to feeling so down. Yesterday I had a pretty great day. It was fun and it was nice to go out like that since I’m such a huge homebody now. I was having a great time until my friends (husband and wife) and I went out for drinks. This is where it goes really downhill…
My friend’s husband is such a nice guy. Really great guy and has good intentions. While we were sitting down enjoying our drinks and chatting, he says to me “I have a question for you…”. He asked away and then followed up with “okay I have a second question…”. My friend (his wife) told him no more questions but if you’re telling me you have another question you might as well tell me. He asked me what type of guy am I into and questions in regards of my dating life. I was really surprised and kinda taken back by him asking me this because it’s not like I’ve ever said anything about setting me up with someone that they know or anything. We discuss a bit about this and this is where it really goes downhill. Like real fucking down…
I got super choked up and started tearing up as I tried to gather my words out. I simply said, “you know with so many past failed relationships and bad luck with dating, I’ve come to terms that I’m such a flawed person and that I’m meant to be alone. I know I am a good person but I’m just not meant to be with anyone and that’s something that I’m learning to accept.” I almost started crying pretty bad after saying all of that. Even typing out that makes me really teary eyed again. My friend smacked her husband’s arm and called him an asshole. It wasn’t his fault nor his intention to make me cry. It’s something that I’ve come to terms with and honestly it’s probably the most sad shit I’ve ever said especially out loud. Who wouldn’t feel bad to hear anyone say that? I’d feel awful if I heard any of my friends speaking like that. After that I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that it hurts to say something like that about yourself. During the drive home, I cried all the way home. I felt my heart breaking into so many pieces. Since coming home I’m just a mess.
It is what it is. Clearly it’s something that I’m still working on accepting. I don’t deserve anyone’s love except for the love from my family and friends. I’m glad my friends have found their significant others but it’s just not in the cards for me. “Meant to be” no longer means anything to me. I’ve lost a lot of hope due to past failed relationships and meeting shitty guys. I truly don’t believe in a good man (for me that is). I don’t believe that the right time will come. I don’t believe I’m meant to be loved unconditionally. I know all of this is so negative but it is the truth. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for me nor am I expecting words of encouragement. As much as I want to believe and to be hopeful, I’m just not. I was once a hopeless romantic and it’s just not there anymore. That’s probably the part that makes me the most sad.
I am a strong and independent woman but even the strongest person has their vulnerabilities and this is it. I just want to get some sleep and wish this sadness went away quickly. I hate feeling this way.
Work has been a bit overwhelming lately. I have a million things running through my mind in what I’d like to accomplish to help my team, my manager and myself succeed. With working for a large organization comes with the fun ol’ game of politics. There’s no way for my manager to shield my team from it. The man can only do so much and at times I have to step up to the plate and handle that shit myself. It’s beyond exhausting dealing with that. There are many times where I think about quitting, but what’s really kept me at this job is my team. It doesn’t matter how good the salary or the benefits are. If I come across a team where we have a strong relationship and can work cohesively together, I’m going to ride it out and stick around. I tend to be the voice of reason for my team, the one that encourages positivity amongst each other, etc. Once again, it gets exhausting. I truly do have strong hope that the future of this team will exceed its own expectations. Right now, we’re in the midst of chaos and it really sucks.
Last Friday I had lunch with this director and 2 other designers that’s on his team. We’ve recently exchanged messages via LinkedIn and randomly started chatting about photography. Mind you this guy comes off as a total asshole on the phone. I was hoping meeting in person would change my perception of him. Nope. He truly is an asshole. He had scheduled a lunch for me to meet him and the other 2 people. I showed up to my old office and they were waiting for me in the lobby. I had really low expectations, but from the get go I knew I wanted this lunch date to end…and we weren’t even in the car to the restaurant yet. I’d like to think that I have a generally good sense for people. It’s a rarity for me to dislike someone when we first meet and if I feel like that, that’s a big red flag to me. I really faked it throughout that car ride and lunch. Ugh.
When we got to his car (a BMW), I immediately thought “you’re a tool…”. His license plate is customized and it says “FASTRBMW”. Cringes…He drove like a maniac. During the car ride, this dude was talking MAD shit about some of my colleagues. He spoke of them in a very disgusting way and it was just so harsh. It was so painful to even listen to someone speak like that in general yet alone about someone else. I spoke up at certain points since I strongly disagreed with him about practically everything. We went to this yummy Thai restaurant. I was texting my colleague from my team about what was going on. He told me to order the most expensive thing on the menu lol, which was hard to do because of the cheap lunch specials haha. Generally when you meet people that you just met, you ask each other questions. Nope. Them mofos didn’t care for me but I still generated any kind of conversation with them just to be polite. Finally lunch was over and we headed back to the office. The car ride back was awkwardly quiet. I couldn’t fake it anymore and didn’t bother making any further conversation with them because I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. Once we got back to the office, I shook their hands and thanked them for the lunch and I immediately walked over to my car.
I got on the phone right away with my colleague and filled him in on the details. It was an hour long phone call ranting about this mess and could’ve gone on longer. I am essentially the only person from my team to have met this guy and it’s a big deal because this doofus is suppose to be the one calling the shots on a lot of things. I was hoping to a degree he would prove me wrong, but nope. It was literally like eating dinner with Darth Vader. It was pretty bad. Prior to meeting my team in person, I thought they were pretty nice and cool. That translated in person which was great. But damn…this guy was such an asshole and had no remorse. I realized he’s super insecure with himself with behaving like that. Also, I feel like many execs are condoning this poor behavior. It’s sad.
With that said, I felt so disheartened by having to share all the details with my colleague who is working close with this guy. I really wanted to tell him “hey he’s not that bad after all”, but this fool couldn’t prove me wrong at all. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he was literally like a super villain. I ended the call with telling my colleague that despite this lame lunch with this guy, I still have hope for our team to do well and to not let this fool ruin things for us. I really wanted to make things better for this entire team and it’s hard on me. It’s hard to be the one that’s so hopeful all the time that I’m running low on hope. I think I’m overworked and overwhelmed with the challenges that I’m about to face. I don’t want that to deter my manager, my team and myself from making changes in this organization. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been watching too many Marvel related shows and movies that encourages this hope that I have and maybe it’s true. At the end of the day I just want to defeat the bad guys and let my team win. It’s hard to be strong for everyone and I’m seeing the cracks each day. Yet once again, I still have a lot of hope.