Since being back home in Boston and catching up with friends, I’ve honestly felt more disconnected than ever with my friends here. My priorities compared to theirs is entirely different and that’s totally fine. Doesn’t makes mines better than theirs and vice versa. They’re so focused on marriage and buying a home, whereas my focus is my career, health and travel. I’m happy for my friends and what they’re doing but I kinda feel that my priorities are frowned upon especially my career. I had dinner with a few friends last week. L asked J if his fiancee will change her last name when they get married and he gave a very firm yes. I jumped into the conversation with saying “I will never change my last name for anyone. I don’t give a fuck who you are.” and then J kinda looked at me like “why??”. I said “I worked very hard in my career and my name is a huge part of my identity as I’m building a reputation for myself in this design community”. Cue the eye rolling… Once again I had to justify my reasoning. I told them that I don’t view work just as a paycheck to collect. I actually give a fuck about the work I do and how much I want to aspire for more in my career. Cue another eye roll followed by head shaking. Tell me WHY the fuck it’s such a terrible thing that I care about my career so much and that unfortunately I don’t have a significant other in my life to care for?? I’m very proud of how independent I am not only in a career aspect but as an overall whole. I’ve done a lot for myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Yesterday I had lunch with M and was telling her about that conversation and I think she misunderstood me. She got very honest with me and told me how I’ve changed since I had mentioned how everyone is changing (which isn’t a bad thing) as well as myself. She told me I’m much more confident and I talk about myself a lot. I gave her this look of confusion, like “uhh, bitch what are you talking about?” when she said I talk about myself a lot. She meant that I talk a lot about myself in terms of my accomplishments. I thought about it and I don’t think I “brag” by any means of what I’ve accomplished in my career or how I moved to Cali. However, I am pretty damn proud of myself for what I’ve done on my own without having to rely on anyone. My friends here have their significant others to celebrate their accomplishments with. For me, I treat myself to a nice dinner or something. I don’t physically have someone to be there to cheer me on, so if I talk about my shit a lot it’s because I’m constantly alone. Not my fault. I’m not mad at M or anything for being honest with me, but her mentioning this just irked me a bit.
Besides a sense of being disconnected with friends here, this city has gotten even more gentrified to the core. I’ve noticed it prior to moving away and it was disappointing to me. I had met up with friends who live near where I grew up and it killed me when I saw how gentrified this one area I used to hang out at. I kinda freaked out and I felt really sad. It was really hard for me to absorb and I’m still in shock about it. I had a chance to drive by the street where I grew up and there were even more new things near it and my heart just broke. This is A LOT of change for me to take in with the bit of disconnect that I’m currently having with my friends and now the gentrification galore throughout the city. Ugh. I kinda feel like I’m not how to handle all of this besides hoping this trip ends even quicker so I can just go back to my daily routine in Cali: work and gym.
It just doesn’t make me feel any happier to be back here and I’d rather be back in Cali alone at my place.
Recently I’ve just noticed a few notifications on my phone and it was about him. I tried to not think too much into it and when it happened again a couple days ago I just felt like my heart stopped and it was heavy to breath as corny as it may sound. It’s crazy for me to feel this way…STILL. It’s not like I sit there thinking about him all day but when little things pop up the feelings resurface. Last night I had a hard time sleeping because I kept thinking about him. I just couldn’t shake off this whatever you call it. In a very strange way, I miss him and I am starting to wonder how he is. So much time has passed and it’s really crazy to me how the feelings are still kinda fresh. Thinking about it now it does make me kinda sad that we no longer speak. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I really wish that we could start over again as total strangers. He gave me a lot of heartache but he made me happy. He was the last guy that I really felt so connected with and since then I haven’t had a strong connection with the guys that I’ve dated. Why can’t I shake it off? Why is he still on my mind? Literally time has passed by where I’m sure he has moved on and I’ve dated around myself. When moments like this happens where he crosses my mind, I wonder if I ever cross his mind, too. Maybe I’ve read too many books where I have this strange bit of hope for some sort of happy ending or that we’ll have some crazy way of meeting. I don’t know, but I hope he’s happy and okay. But to be a bit more realistic and to burst my own bubble, I do feel pathetic to some degree that I feel this way for him at all. Ugh…
This song always made me think of us:
I’m currently back on the East Coast and currently in New York City. Prior to flying back, I wanted to come to NYC since it’s been 4 years since I’ve last been here after I moved to Cali. All I wanted to do was to come here to hang out in one of my favorite cities and eat yummy food. Very simple agenda. Since planning to come here was very frustrating because people were indecisive and couldn’t make up their minds that my plans were no longer the simple agenda that I had in mind.
My close friend’s husband came along which was fine…until the attitudes kicked in. Honestly don’t fucking go on a trip if you’re fucking tired and give me your bullshit bitchass attitudes. It got awkward for me but I brushed it off and continued to be nice. I had decided to pay for the bill when dinner came since my friend and her husband drove and paid for gas. It was the least that I could do. My friend went to the bathroom and while I sat there at the table with her husband, our waiter brought us the check. I immediately paid for it and my friend’s husband just gives me a weird look and goes “uh ok”. I told him it was the least that I could do since they were driving. He again gives me an attitude and this is where I’m officially pissed. I told him “why don’t you just fucking say thank you and not be so fucking rude about it?”. He said he wasn’t being rude and ended it with “whatever”.
When my friend returned from the bathroom and we were leaving the table, I said to my friend that I get it your husband is tired but wtf, I just paid for the bill so don’t give me a fucking attitude. I don’t need the bullshit. I don’t need the stank ass attitude and when I’m just trying to make conversation with you like asking how did you like the dish, I get a “meh…”. Seriously fuck off and stay home next time. He wanted to come along so it wasn’t like I forced him against his own will to come. So annoying.
We got to our mutual friend’s place which is where we’re staying tonight. She recently got engaged to her boyfriend and they live together. These friends are all close and their significant others have gotten close too. They were chatting amongst themselves while I was in the shower. I thought about how much they all clicked and I started feeling sad. Honestly I feel very lonely in this big and beautiful city. I’m not having the best time and I kinda sorta wish I had someone in my life. It’s hard when you’re surrounded by friends that are all married or taken and you’re the single one.
I wasn’t thrilled about coming back to visit the East Coast and it just makes me not want to come back often or ever. I just want this entire trip to end quicker than I even left my place to go to the airport.
Over the weekend I went down to Santa Cruz and spent the night at one of my favorite hotels. It was a much needed quick getaway after having a stressful day with work on Friday. However I noticed I wasn’t as relaxed as I should’ve been. I felt so irritated, impatient and annoyed. Not sure what my deal was but I tried to let go of those feelings. I got a chance to relax by the pool to tan and to read my book, but there were a lot of annoying children. I love kids, but these little shits were so annoying. I was just not having it. As it was getting close to dinner time and there was a cluster of kids in the hot tub, I decided to grab a bite and come back in hopes that the crowd of kids will be gone by then. I come back to not many kids…only to a creepy guy. Ugh. I was literally trying to relax and you know that feeling when someone keeps making eye contact with you and you sense a conversation is about to happen? Well it did. Ugh…motherfucker. The guy came over and kept trying to talk to me and I gave one word answers and tried to disregard him. As I was getting out of the hot tub and grabbing my towel, he was looking at my back. I have tattoos all over my back and of course he had to ask what one of them says. I turned around and said “it says ‘stop fucking looking’ and he laughed but I was being a bitch to him. Not sure why he didn’t get a clue, but he was such a buzzkill and annoying for many reasons. Also he’s one of the many reasons why I don’t date white guys. Stupid shit that comes out of their mouths. Ugh…
I’ve been chatting with close friends back home about going to NYC for the day or 2. M is really easygoing to make plans with. It’s either you want to go or not. It’s that simple. L on the other hand was driving me fucking crazy yesterday. She said she wanted to go but kept asking what we’re gonna do and whatnot. Bitch, I told you mad fucking times that I’m just trying to chill. Geez…it’s not like I want to go to NYC and do lines of cocaine on the streets. Like WTF do you think I’m trying to do there? When I had texted her asking if she wants to go for a day or not, she replied with I’m not sure. I got really blunt with her and told her that her hubby will be fine at home alone without and it’s not like she’s leaving him for a month. For real, it’s not that serious or complicated. You either want to go for a day or not. This is the fucking shit I hate about some couples. Sorry, I didn’t sign up for the buy one, get one free package deal of you and your husband or whoever the fuck. It’s honestly REALLY fucking pathetic that you can’t leave the motherfucker at home for ONE FUCKING NIGHT. Geez…M is married and is able to do shit without having to ask her husband and whatnot especially for a simple trip to NYC. I primarily want to go because I haven’t gone in 4 years since I moved and I literally just want to hangout. It’s not like we’re going to NYC to meet with mad guys or some shit. Incredibly annoying. I haven’t talked to L since and at this point I don’t even want her to come. This is why I now prefer to travel alone because I hate it when people are indecisive and hesitant because of their significant others. I don’t need any motherfucker to sign my fucking permission slip just to go on a field trip. Honestly, fuck that bullshit.
My “brother” decided to call me last week and I ignored the call. He then followed up with a text message saying he wants us to chat and go over questions to talk to the doctor about during my mom’s upcoming doctor’s appointment. I immediately called my parents and told them to tell their son to fuck off and to leave me the fuck alone. We don’t speak so quit acting like you give a fuck about anyone especially mom. Honestly if you’re actually even remotely concerned about your mother’s health you would show up to the appointments. I’m not a fucking messenger and I already fly across the country to these 1 hour appointments. I don’t have to, but I actually give a fuck. That’s the only reason that I even go back to visit and that’s totally fine with me, but I wish it didn’t have to be under those circumstances. After my parents called him, he texted again asking me why I’m so upset because he cares about mom and how I should be grateful to have a medical expert on my side. Uh…you douchebag…just because you’re a FUCKING PHYSICAL THERAPIST with a masters and DOCTOR is now a part of your suffix, it does not make you a legitimate medical doctor you dumb fuck. This reminds me of the episodes of FRIENDS where Ross refers to himself as Dr. Gellar but motherfucker is a paleontologist. This is why I don’t even respond to entertain that type of bullshit and his ego. For real you wannabe Dr. Oz motherfucker stop the nonsense. It’s ridiculous and makes you sound even more of a pretentious asshole than you are already by referring to yourself as a medical expert. Dumbass.
In much more not to bitchy, angry news, I just booked another stay at that hotel in Santa Cruz for Labor Day. I just need to relax and to clear my mind. I feel so much of this “blah” and I know there’s some feelings and whatnot that I need to let go of. Right now I hate everyone.
Many many years ago, maybe 15-17 years ago my cousin whom I’m close with in age and we used to be close in general dated this guy. She dated this guy for quite some time and I had met him a many times since I hung out with her a lot and she was literally attached to his hip. Fast forward to now, they’re no longer dating, but the primary point is, he’s hitting on me. Yeah…um, ew. Teenager me versus adult me looks quite a bit different, so I don’t think this fool recognizes me lol. However I don’t want to remind him who I am and I’m just simply not going to entertain the conversation. But yeah…ew. Cringes…
I’m starting to work remotely more from my favorite local coffee shop that I haven’t been to in months. It’s getting a bit morbid to just be at home and I feel more productive at this spot. I tend to come at the same time as this guy that I see quite often. We’re both either reading a book or doing work. For whatever reason, I find it so attractive with him reading a book lol. Sounds so lame, but oh well. Anyways, he’s pretty attractive and I’ve considered going up to him and introducing myself to him several times, but yeah…no haha. Yesterday he came in after I decided to come in for a bit to get some work done. We kept exchanging looks at each other. I basically sat right in front of the guy, so he was in my constant line of sight haha. I hesitated to say anything to him this time around because there were wayyy too many people around to get my mack on lol and plus I was pretty focused on getting my work done. I had to rush to leave for a dentist appointment and as I walked over to put my empty glass away, he kept staring at me. Despite constantly wearing workout clothes, I’m glad I looked at least relatively presentable. Who knows if we’ll ever talk, but it was nice having some eye candy while getting some work done haha.
I’m generally pretty happy for my friend’s or anyone that has something good happening in their life. One of my close friend’s recently got engaged. Initially most people would be like, “Wow, I’m so happy for you. Congrats!” Well, when I saw the announcement I honestly felt like “damn, really?…….” I wasn’t too happy for him proposing to his girlfriend, but at the end of the day as long as he’s happy I have to be supportive in that sense. Not too thrilled about his wife to be since I feel she’s changed him…for the worst and I really believe she didn’t bring out the best in him. Plus I feel like he’s marrying a total loser. All terrible things for me to say, but hey I’ve been beyond blunt and in the past have told him directly that he’s in a relationship with a fucking loser and that he can do a million times better than to get someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sounds really mean, but I’m not gonna sugar coat anything especially if we’re close friends. I’d expect the same honesty in return. I know she’s not a fan of me, which is fine because the feeling is mutual. She used to come along to dinners with my friend and I when I come back to visit but for the past 3 years she doesn’t come around, which is fine with me.
Anyways, point is I’m not a total bitch because I do feel bad that I don’t feel genuinely happy for him. I just really want him to be happy…with someone else haha.